How Did This Happen
by gotye
Summary: Marty showed up at John and Natalie's. Who was with her and what did they say? Sequel to 'Fixing This' & 'Fixing That'
1. Chapter 1

_Here we go again, love them, miss them terribly, have no clue who owns them…._

_No research medical or legal has been done. Didn't feel like it-most soap writers don't either so-what the heck._

_Thank you!_

Prologue

She would have been married two years today, had their marriage been legal. Instead it was her wedding day. Again. John wanted to get married right away but, by the time her divorce from Jared was final it was only a few weeks until their 'anniversary', so she made him wait. As she sat in a chair next to the fireplace in their bedroom she smiled as she studied the portrait above the mantle.

It used to hang above the fireplace in living room. It had recently been replaced by a portrait of the five of them. And this portrait had been moved up here. It was of her and John on their wedding day two years ago. It was more of a candid picture and everyone had been surprised at her choice to display it. There were two actually, one taken seconds after this one. They were taken by Gigi in between the formal shots taken by the photographer they had hired. Not that it was a large wedding. Just family and a few friends, in the garden at Llanfair.

They were standing in front of the rose bushes with his arm slung low across her back to her hip. Their bodies turned toward each other, their faces angled down but, their eyes locked on each other. Her looking up at him threw her lashes and him looking so tenderly down at her. It looked like they had been sharing a secret, which they actually were. John was whispering that he had seen Roxy pinch one of the servers on the ass and when the server turned around it was a woman. And the woman smiled at Roxy.

The next photograph taken seconds later, had always been hidden away up here. It was a moment just between the two of them that she didn't want to share. That smaller photo sat in an easeled frame on the mantle. Her head thrown back in laughter but, it was the smile on his face and the way he was looking at her that she loved about that one.

There were no pictures taken today. Just a quick trip over to city hall this afternoon and to a judge that was a friend of John's. With just Destiny and her Uncle Bo as witnesses. No reception, or flowers or cake today. They went to her mother's tonight for dinner. Eve joined them and between their two mothers, John and Natalie were persuaded to let them keep the children for the night. It wasn't necessary they had told them. They had thought they were married for over a year already, they'd had their wedding night but, their mothers wanted them to have some special time alone.

"There you are. What's wrong?" He asked her coming into the room.

"Nothing", she smiled up at him, "just remembering the first one." She looked back at the portrait.

"Ah. Actually, that was the third time, if I remember correctly. Well, attempt really", he said as he sat down on the edge of the chair next to hers. She smiled and looked down sadly.

"Yeah, you're right", she said and started to get up. He couldn't read the look on her face.

"Hey, what is it?" he reached out and grabbed her hand as she moved to pass his chair.

She looked down at him and sighed. "I guess I'm just thinking about all the time we wasted. It makes me sad sometimes to think of it. We could have been married for years by now instead of one day."

He stood up and pulled her to him. "Everything happened the way it was supposed to. We might not be together now if things wouldn't have worked out the way they did."

"I know, and I love were we are now so….you're right. No more over thinking things", she smiled up at him. Running her arms up and around his neck, the fingers of one hand buried in his hair.

"At least for tonight", he whispered. Kissing her immediately hard and deep. His hands ran up her back from her waist to the top of the zipper on her dress. He pulled it gently down and pushed the white, lace strapless dress down her hips to pool on the floor at her feet.

She started undoing the buttons on his shirt as he walked them backwards toward the bed. They came to a stop as the backs of her thighs hit the mattress. He stood with his arms around her as she undressed him. She had started on his pants when she suddenly looked up at him.

"What?" he whispered.

She bit her lip, cocking her head to the side and ran her hands over his chest, "I think I would like a bath, just you and me." She whispered back as his pants hit the floor. He smiled down at her as he kicked them away.

"You and me….in a tub full of hot water? I like the sound of that", he picked her up and carried her to the tub.

The next morning, they'd picked up the kids and had breakfast with their mother's. Eve was heading back to Jersey this morning. She had to leave for a cruise in a few days and needed to get back home to get things in order. Natalie would have loved to visit with her for a few days but, they would see her again at the holidays.

Knowing the kids would go down easy for naps after being with their grandparents all night, she started up the stairs with them as soon as they got home.

"Can you grab the mail?" she asked him as they came in. She was carrying Alana, who was now two years old and holding a four year old Liam's hand.

"Yup", he said from behind her, he was carrying the baby. Her sweet little baby, Sean Thomas.

He was almost five months old now. They had a hard time coming up with a name for him. But, when Eve suggested Sean, it was her father's name and for whom John had been named after. Eve had said it was a form of the name 'John' in Irish she knew that was it. And Thomas for John's father of course.

"What's that?" She asked looking over his shoulder.

"An invitation to Blair's new night club's grand opening", he said, " 'Shelter' ." He handed her the post card.

" 'Shelter'? That's a stupid name", she muttered, looking at the card. Setting the diaper bag and her purse down, she turned to ask, "are we going to go? It's in the basement of 'Capricorn'."

"To a night club? I'd rather gouge my eye's out with a spoon", he smiled at her as she passed by him on the way to the stairs. He heard her giggle behind him.

"Hey", John called before she got all the way up. "I need to meet an informant this afternoon, you going to be ok?"

"Right now?" she asked, she was hoping for a nap herself or maybe just some alone time with John.

"Well, yeah. It's about Evangeline and Jared", he said hoping she would understand.

"Yeah", she said, even though she was disappointed, she smiled at him. He was holding the baby, so she set Laney on her feet and reached for him and said, "I got this. Go…but, be careful. Please."

"I will, always. I'll be back in an hour at the most", he said and he leaned over to catch her lips in a quick kiss. She smiled as she watched him leave.

Natalie finally got all three kids down. It was a rare day when they all went down at once. Thinking it had been close to an hour since John left, and she was hoping for some quiet, quality time with her husband she bound down the stairs. Stopping dead in her tracks, she couldn't believe her eyes. It was her worst nightmare coming true. Her mind was scrambling to remember where the nearest gun was hidden.

She had her grandfathers shot gun upstairs locked up in a cabinet and John would have his service revolver with him but usually it would be locked up in a strong box on the top shelf in their closet. John also had a gun locked in his nightstand. She had the key to the gun cabinet, it was an antique key and it hung on a chain around her neck. That would be quickest. And wouldn't that be appropriate since she'd used it once before. If only she could get back up the stairs before she made any noise. Probably not.

She could grab the vase to her right, she never liked it anyways. Either way, she couldn't let her get near her children. No, she had to go for the gun. She took a step backward up the stairs.

"Natalie?"

She snapped her head around, and John was standing right there. It took a moment for her brain to catch up with her eyes. She furrowed her brow trying to decipher what she was seeing. He was standing there calmly, why wasn't he doing anything. She saw another man had walked into the room. Natalie looked back and forth between the two people standing in the middle of her living room, speaking quietly to each other and her husband.

Walking over to where she was standing on the stairs he asked in a concerned whisper, "what are you doing? Are you ok?"

"What's going on?" She asked him quietly and cautiously. He didn't answer her. He looked down and ran his hand over the back of his neck. She tried to control her anger but, she didn't succeed.

"Do you mind telling me why Marty fucking Saybrooke is standing in my living room?!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

John waited at the agreed to time, pacing up and down the docks. Wondering who it was he was meeting. He hated to sit and wait on informants, it made you a sitting duck. He considered that this might have been a trap but, decided to dismiss that thought. He trusted the man that set this meeting up.

After waiting thirty-five minutes, he decided he wasn't going to wait any longer. He walked up the platform, across the parking lot and to his truck. He let his mind wander and he drove home. Bo had told him yesterday before the ceremony that he was thinking of retiring and he wanted John to take over as police commissioner. He was conflicted. It was the natural progression of his job, he would work less on actual cases and be out on the street less and home more. It was more paperwork and ass kissing than he was sure he could handle. Natalie would be thrilled, he knew. She would worry less. And a less stressed Natalie would make him happy as well.

He was so distracted by these thoughts he failed to notice the black sedan following him until he had pulled into the drive way and it pulled in behind him. 'Shit!' he thought, how could he be so careless? He pulled his gun and carefully got out of the truck. He saw a man climb out of the driver seat, the man's coat pulling open and John noticed that he was also armed but, he hadn't pulled his weapon yet. Watching as the passenger door opened he was stunned to see Marty Saybrooke climb out.

"Marty?" He questioned, confused.

"Hello John", she smiled brightly at him. She joined the man and slipped her arm through his.

"What's going on?" John asked cautiously.

"We should probably go inside, we shouldn't do this out here in the open", the man said kindly.

"What makes you think I am going to let you inside my house?" John asked the man, giving him a hard look.

"Because, you don't want anyone to hear what I have to say", the man replied with a small smile. John knew he was right but, he also knew his family was inside. John looked toward the house. Natalie was going to put them all down for a nap, he could only pray they were all still asleep. Including Natalie, she was going to be furious when she found out Marty was inside their home.

He sighed not seeing a choice. He led them to the house and in through the door just in time to see Natalie walking down the stairs, she looked almost sick. Pale and green at the same time. She seemed frozen on the stairs. He saw her take a step backwards. Leaving the front door standing open he moved quickly to where she stood on the stairs.

"Natalie?"

She looked over at him, then back towards the living room, he remembered they were not alone. She seemed to be looking back and forth between him and Marty. He took a few steps toward her.

"What are you doing? Are you ok?" He asked her, afraid she might pass out, she was ghostly pale.

"What's going on?" She asked him cautiously.

He didn't answer her. He couldn't. He didn't know what to say. He looked down and ran his hand over the back of his neck nervously, not knowing where to start. He could see she was pissed.

"Do you mind telling me why Marty fucking Saybrooke is standing in my living room?!"

Marty spun around at the sound of Natalie's voice.

"Ah, Natalie. There you are. Didn't figure it would take you long to show up", Marty said smugly.

"Get OUT of my house", Natalie hissed, pointing to the door.

"Oh well, you see, I was _invited._ Inside. By _John_. If he wants me to leave, he can say so", she said in that same smug tone, looking between the two.

"If you're not going to leave on your own-" Natalie flew down the last two stair steps with the intention of physically throwing Marty out none to gently. John caught her up around the waist trying to stopping her from getting any close to the other woman. Natalie had moved down the stairs with such force that when she hit his arms, he ended up picking her up off her feet before setting her back down.

"Hold on", John said to the back of her head, with one arm wrapped around her waist and his other gripping her upper arm in case she decided to take a swing and anyone. "Can we just find out what is going on here first?"

"You should be in prison", Natalie hissed at Marty through her teeth, as she struggled to get free of John's grip.

"But…I'm not", Marty said nonchalantly, as she took a look around the living room, Marty continued with a false brightness, "nice place you've got here. And three kids…boy you guys have been as busy as rabbits. Got' him trapped now don't ya? Nope he's not going anywhere now," Marty gave her an exaggerated wink and a snarky little laugh.

"Alright", John said to the women, "that's enough." Natalie continued to struggle in his arms, "Natalie…stop."

When Natalie had stopped struggling against him , he removed the arm around her waist but, held tight to her forearm not entirely convinced she wouldn't go after Marty again.

"Marty, now that we are all inside, would you mind to tell me what is going on?" John asked calmly.

The man that neither John or Natalie knew stepped forward. "Maybe I should start", he thrust his hand out and introduced himself, "I'm Patrick Thornhart."

"Ha", Natalie couldn't control the loud bark of laughter that exploded from her, "dead husband", she mused looking toward Marty, "of course….classic." She turned her eyes to John who had let go of her arm to shake the man's hand and when she caught his eye, she raised a eyebrow in amusement and crossed her arms over her chest.

John looked back to the man, "John Mc-" he started but, the man interrupted him.

"I know who you are. And I apologize for being late to the meeting this afternoon", Patrick said.

"You…were the informant I was to meet?" John asked skeptically.

"It was my fault. When I found out who Patrick was going to meet, I insisted on coming along", Marty said giving John a large smile. John gave her a curt nod to indicate he had heard her but, turned his attention back to Patrick.

"I don't really feel comfortable doing this in my home, with my family here. Why did you follow me here? I'm sure you know this isn't how this works", John was frustrated, he knew the kids were upstairs and he could tell Natalie was going to blow soon.

"We heard that you were looking into the reappearance of Evangeline Williamson and Jared Banks", Patrick said, "we might know something about that, that's all. We aren't here to harm you in anyway."

"Really because her history suggests otherwise", Natalie said sarcastically from her position by the stairs. She wasn't moving unless it was to go after Marty if she had to. Her kids were up there and she would protect them with her life.

Marty chuckled and Patrick went to say something in response to Natalie but, John cut him off before he could start just wanting this meeting over with and Marty and her husband out of the house.

"What do you know?" John asked, taking a half step in front of Natalie and placing his hands on his hips. Patrick turned back to John.

"Not a lot of specifics that I can tell you but, enough for you to know you're going to have to back off this investigation", Patrick told him kindly.

John smiled at him, "you're here to scare me off, is that it?" John said as he moved across the room to close the front door he'd forgotten was left open.

"No, not necessarily. Just to inform you that you are in over your head." While Marty was definitely being snide and pushing Natalie on purpose, Patrick seemed to be genuine so far. John couldn't read him yet.

"Ok well let's start there then. Who's behind their disappearances?" John asked coming back over to stand in front of Patrick.

"Who isn't", Patrick smiled and shrugged. John looked at him clearly not amused.

"You know there is an outstanding warrant out for your arrest. I could have the cops here in a minute", Natalie said glaring at Marty.

"Yeah, isn't John the cops?" Marty said in a mocking tone, pointing at John.

Natalie bristled, "you're a murderer and you deserve to be in prison."

"Natalie-" John said frustrated with the situation but, needing her to control herself.

"Ok, can we just try to relax here?" Patrick turned to give Marty a pointed look. John noticed something was off with Marty, like she was on something. He thought about asking after her health but Natalie spoke first.

"_Relax_?" Natalie said, "are you serious? Maybe you don't realize what a psycho-"

"I know," Patrick said with a sigh, "I know everything that happened. And I am very sorry for what you went through. Marty was…..sick…..but, she is getting better", Patrick said looking apologetic. He stood a little closer to Marty almost like he was afraid she would do something.

Natalie took a few steps away from the stairs to stand directly in front of Marty.

"Sick? She murdered someone, she tried to kill me and she kidnapped my son…..twice. So you'll excuse me if her being _sick_ isn't a good enough excuse", Natalie was furious.

"Natalie", John said taking a deep breath, knowing she wasn't going to go quietly, "why don't you go upstairs and check on the kids. I really don't want one of them coming down here." He looked at her hard hoping she was just do as he asked.

She looked back at him the same way, stunned that he would try to send her away. "I am _not_ moving. I have to make sure she doesn't get near my kids", Natalie crossed her arms over her chest.

Marty scoffed but stayed quiet.

"I assume you've heard of Security Systems?" Patrick asked turning back to John, ignoring the women.

John laughed humorlessly, 'of course' he thought, "as in the top secret firm formerly run by Irene Manning, ties to the CIA-"

"And the INS, and the FBI and Homeland Security and every other government agency in the country and some outside the county, that you have and haven't heard of…yes, as in _that_ Security Systems," Patrick added.

John rubbed a hand over his face. "What did an agency like that want with Evangeline or Jared? They have no special training or contact with anyone in any of those agencies, why either of them?" John couldn't make the dots connect on this no matter how hard he tried.

"That part isn't clear but, I can tell you they were selected specifically. No one is brought in randomly. Everyone that comes into the agency has a purpose", Patrick told him.

"So they don't remember where they were or what they were doing?" John asked

"They will only remember if the agency wants them to remember and I sincerely doubt they will _ever_ be allowed to remember", Patrick supplied.

Marty gasped, clasped her hands together in delight and exclaimed brightly, "Liam? Is that you? You've gotten so big!"

Natalie whipped around quickly and there standing behind her was her eldest son. John stiffened. While he was fairly confident that Marty wouldn't try anything, he still didn't like the idea of her being that close to Liam or Natalie.

"Hey buddy, what do you need?", he tried to ask casually. Liam looked like a miniature John but, he was way too curious, just like Natalie.

"Seany is crying", he replied absentmindedly not looking at either of his parents but around at the strange adults in the living room.

"Go back upstairs and check on him for me, ok? Make sure he has his passy. He probably just lost it in his sleep", Natalie urged, her heart beating out of her chest. Neither John or Natalie wanted to make any sudden moves, not really being sure what Marty would do.

"But-" Liam started still looking toward the two strangers. Marty made a move toward the stairs and Natalie jumped in front of Liam, raising her arms in front of her. Her hands balled into fists, ready to protect her son.

"Go, son. Now", John said sternly. He'd never used that tone of voice with any of his kids. Liam turned his big blue eyes to his father in surprise but, John was unmoved.

"Ok", he said softly with tears in his eyes he turned and slowly trudged back upstairs. Natalie waited until he was out of sight before turning back to Marty.

"If you ever try to go near any of my children again….I will _kill_ you", Natalie hissed through her teeth at Marty.

Marty turned her falsely innocent eyes to Patrick and John, blinking rapidly like a child, "are you going to let her talk to me like that?"

"Natalie-", John started calmly.

"_Arrest _ her John!….arrest her and get her out of my house," Natalie was so angry, she didn't know how much longer she would be able to hold it together.

"Natalie", John said with all the patience he could muster, he begged her, "please…please go upstairs and check on the kids…and please let me handle this." Natalie met John's eye's from across the room, they seemed to have an entire conversation in the span of ten seconds.

She wasn't happy, and the cold glare she left him with chilled him to the bone but, in the end she turned and walked slowly and deliberately up the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Looking in Liam's room, she found it empty. She went to Laney's room and it too was empty. She turned and noticed Sean's door closed. When she went to open the door she found that it was blocked by something. Giving a hard shove she found the block was the wooden rocking chair, piled high with toys and books.

"Liam?" She called out, poking her head in the room and looking around she couldn't see either of her older children. She was starting to worry. Sean was just stirring in his crib so she went over and picked him up, carefully stepping over the toys and books that had fallen out of the chair when she moved it.

"Liam, Laney….where are you guys? Are you hiding?" A feeling of panic was welling up inside her but, she willed her voice to stay steady. The closet door started to creep open and she saw two little faces peak out.

"What are you guys doing?" She asked them softly, relieved to see them.

"Hiding from the bad people", Liam whispered, "I couldn't lift Seany and I couldn't lock the door." John had turned the door knobs around so the locks were on the outside of the doors, so the kids couldn't accidentally lock themselves in.

"The bad people?" Natalie asked him crouching down to his level to talk to him. She could see Laney standing behind her brother taking in the look on Natalie's face, so she tried hard to keep it neutral.

"The bad people downstairs", he replied. Natalie took a deep breath and tried to smile.

"There are no bad people downstairs, daddy just needs to talk to them about grown up stuff, ok? Now why don't you help me clean up Sean's room and we will go downstairs in a little bit and have some dinner, alright? Are you guys hungry?" Natalie asked standing back up and setting Sean in the crib so she could move the chair back across the room. Natalie hated that her children were scared in their own home.

What was John thinking bringing that woman into their house? Resisting the urge to grab all three of her children and escape out the window she straighten out the baby's room and took the kids to her bedroom. She sat down them down on the bed to watch cartoons and waited for her husband to come upstairs. Letting the anger at John finally take over. How could he let that woman into their home and so close to their children?

Once Natalie was safety out of sight upstairs John began to question Patrick again.

"I don't understand what the government would want with everyday civilians, with no special training for any kind of tactical procedures or operations", John was talking to Patrick but, watching Marty. He was closer to the front door and she was very close to the stairs. He needed to move himself between the her and the stairs just to make himself feel better. He rubbed a hand over his chin as he started to move around the room.

"She won't go up there, you have my word", Patrick said, he wasn't fooled by John's maneuvering about.

"Surely you can understand why I don't trust her", John replied. Patrick nodded once at him but, it was Marty who spoke.

" 'She' is right here and I wouldn't hurt your children John. God! You know me. I can't even believe that you would think that", she sounded so hurt. She was still acting strangely in his opinion.

"You tried to kill Natalie…and Kelly and you did kill your doctor. Marty you kidnapped my son. You purposefully keep Liam away from me when you changed those paternity results. I don't know that I _ever_ knew you. I would have never thought you capable of any of those things but, you did them", John had moved himself around to the other side of the room so that Marty now stood between he and Patrick.

"Natalie deserved everything she got and so much more", Marty said quietly looking directly at John with tears welling up in her eyes.

"No, she didn't and she doesn't. You knew exactly what happened between Natalie and I. You knew that I wasn't over her, that I would never be over her and you also knew…that you and I didn't belong together", he sighed, dismissing her, he addressed Patrick, "is there anything else you can tell me about who is running this organization now?"

Patrick took a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable with Marty and John's conversation. "When Irene died the area, they call them divisions, she was in charge of was reassigned. We are not in this guys division but, he did help us with an…..issue a couple of years ago. Seemed like an ok guy", Patrick said.

"What was your issue?" John asked.

"Well Cole and Hope of course", Marty answered, speaking brightly again, "and no Cole doesn't work for the agency but, since he is still a fugitive he and Hope were allowed to stay with us."

"Cole and Hope are alive?" John was stunned. He had seen Starr in Port Charles when he was working there undercover, around the same time Cole and Hope had supposedly died. She was devastated.

"Yes of course they are", Marty said and laughed a little, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Does Starr know?" John asked, not knowing how he was going to tell Natalie. Natalie took care of Hope when they thought she was Chloe, Jessica's daughter. She was really attached to that little girl for a while and she was heartbroken to have heard she died.

"No," Marty scoffed, "she never cared about Cole. Hell she didn't even grieve for him when he died. He keeps tabs on her, he knows where she is and that she has moved on with the son of that mobster that you were investigating a couple of years ago", Marty said with venom in her voice when she talked about Starr. He had thought they had always got a long but, clearly Marty didn't care for Starr's choices since Cole and Hope's supposed deaths.

John just looked at this woman he thought he knew so well, he never really knew her at all, or was it some sort of mental illness. Patrick said she was sick. She was definitely not the same woman he knew she was completely out of character. She seemed almost manic. Or maybe heavily medicated? Looking up at Patrick he asked, "is there anything else you can tell me about any of this?"

"Not really. You see why you have to let this go?" Patrick asked him, "you won't get anywhere with this investigation."

"I see that", John conceded giving him a nod but, having no intention of letting anything go.

Patrick reached out to grab Marty by the forearm, "let's go", he said to her softly, almost like he was talking to a child. She smiled at him, John started to wonder about their relationship…he shook his head mentally, 'nope don't care, she is his problem', he thought to himself as he followed them to the door.

"By the way, Natalie was right, there is a current warrant out for Marty's arrest for the murder of Dr. Bahri, the attempted murder of Natalie and Kelly Cramer, along with the kidnapping of Liam. Keep her away from here, away from Natalie and away from my children or I will enforce it", John told Patrick in a non threatening manner. He needed the man to understand that he would protect his family and Patrick seemed to, with a nod they continued to the door.

"Oh and what did you say is the name of the man that runs the division now?" John asked Patrick as they reached the door and opened it.

Patrick turned in the doorway to answer and gave him a smile, "I didn't….. but, he was some high class lawyer from the New Jersey area. Runs it with his two daughters as sort of assistants. The name's Kenneth Fitzgerald. That is all I really know about him. It was nice meeting you."

John felt the world spinning, he had lost all conscience thought. He was standing, staring out into the evening with the door wide open. He never noticed Marty and Patrick leaving. He knew a lawyer from New Jersey by the name of Kenneth Fitzgerald…..and his two daughters, Katherine and Kaitlin.

From the window seat in her bedroom, Natalie had noticed Marty and Patrick climb into the black sedan and leave. She wasn't sure she was ready to go downstairs yet and she wasn't sure how much time had passed since they left. Seemed like it had been quite a while. The kids seemed content so she let them stay where they were. She sat in the chair next to the window and let her mind wander through all of the terrible things that could have happened if Marty had gotten her hands on any of the kids.

She gazed down into Sean's face. He didn't really look like either John or herself, she thought. His hair wasn't as dark as Liam's or as light as Laney's. There was the slightest tinge of red in it but, that was it. Sean was a more laid back baby, he just went with the flow. Hardly cried, always seemed happy to be where ever he was.

Lighter hair, fuller face and even though he was only five months old, he was neither as intense as John and Laney or as excitable and her and Liam. If she had to equate him to anyone, it would be Michael.

"Oh….won't your daddy be happy about that", she smiled, muttering to the baby.

"Be happy about what?" She heard John say. Looking up she saw him leaning on the doorframe of the room. An unreadable expression on his face. She hoped she pulled one off back at him.

"Nothing", she mumbled looking away.

"Dad! Did the bad people leave?" Liam asked getting up off the bed. Laney, knowing she couldn't get down by herself just held her arms up to him.

"Bad people?" John asked confused, picking his little girl up, "hey darling," he whispered and kissed the top of her head.

"Yeah the bad people downstairs", Liam said looking up at his father for an answer.

John looked at Natalie and she was purposefully not looking at him. He knew she would be angry. Hell, he was furious at himself but, he hadn't seen a choice before. He couldn't have them standing in the drive way either.

"They weren't bad people buddy, just someone I needed to talk to", John answered him.

"Yeah well, your children barricaded themselves in Sean's room and hid in the closet because they were scared so….yeah, you need to deal with that", Natalie said, not even bothering to hide her anger at him, as she stood up and made her way to the door. Heading downstairs to feed Sean, she could hear John trying to reassure Liam that he was safe in the house and no bad people could get in. She stopped by the front door on her way to the kitchen, to make sure John had set the alarm and lucky for him, he had.

John and Natalie had eaten supper in silence listening to Liam go on about anything and everything. What he did in pre-school, the neighbor's dog, something grandma Roxie taught him. Natalie was thankful her boy was like her and could talk, it filled the silence. Also in silent agreement, John took Liam up and started his bath while Natalie cleaned the kitchen. She was about halfway done with John came back for Laney and disappeared upstairs to what Natalie rightly guessed was her bath also.

Once the kitchen was clean enough for the night, Natalie picked up Sean and they made their way upstairs also. As Natalie bathed Sean she could hear John reading to the other children in Laney's room. She couldn't wrap her mind around whether or not she was more angry or more hurt.

After getting Sean down, Natalie went to take her own bath. Not only to prolong the conversation that was inevitable but, to try and help her relax. Walking into their bedroom she didn't see any sign of John. She pinned up her hair and ran herself a bath. She dimmed the lights, lit a candle and slid into the hot water. That damn dimmer she insisted he install on the lights in the bathroom was, besides this over sized tub, one of her favorite features in the bathroom.

After a few moments, she felt herself begin to relax. She took a deep breath and sighed. 'There is nothing better than a hot bath', just as she completed that thought she felt his eyes on her. There was no way she was going to look up. She could hear him moving around inside the bathroom, she wasn't ready to talk to him yet. And even though she knew he was there, she jumped when he ran his hand slowly up the exposed skin her leg, that was bent at the knee in the water. Down her thigh, up to her knee and down her calf and back up to her knee. Up and down, never wandering beneath the water, he stroked her leg.

"Natalie", he whispered roughly.

She hesitated for a moment. "Yeah", she whispered back.

"Look at me", he commanded softly. She swallowed thickly and took another deep breath before opening her eyes, she looked up at him.

Still speaking softly, he said, "the waters hot."

She couldn't look away from his eyes and she hated the fact that she couldn't resist him, "do you want to get in?" 'Damn it', she thought, she wanted him.

Standing up, he took off his t-shirt. After he'd slid his pants off, she scooted forward so he could get in behind her. His arms came up to wrap around her as she leaned back. He stroked her arms softly for a moment before kissing her neck and shoulder. His hands roamed her body softly, stopping to linger in certain places.

He'd teased her breasts until they were painfully hard, then ran one had under the water to see if she was ready for him.

"Natalie," he purred softly in her ear, "turn around."

She knew what he meant, they'd done this before. He held her hips as she slowly turned her body around, her legs falling one on either side of his hips. Never breaking eye contact with each other, he pulled her to him. One wet hand at the small of her back and the other at the back of her head.

They kisses so slowly for so long that Natalie thought she might faint from the lack of oxygen. When they finally came up for air, he attacked her neck. Finding the place behind her ear that made her melt.

She arched her back and threw back her head giving me all the access he wanted.

"I want you," she whispered.

"You have me," he said back, bringing his hands to her hips while she placed him so he could slide inside her.

"I love you," he said as he leaned back against the tub and watched while she moved above him.

"I love you , too" she closed her eyes and bit her lip, "Oh John, I love you," she finished in a whisper,

falling forward to place her forehead against his and wrapping their arms around each other.

Later he helped her turn back around so he could hold her when they were finished. He caressed her skin as they came down from the high.

"You know that I would never intentionally hurt our kids or put them in harm's way….never", he rasped in her ear.

She couldn't help it, the hurt from earlier was back.

"And yet, Marty was in our house….because, you _invited_ her in", she said, as a few tears slipped from her eyes. She threw out Marty's words from earlier.

She abruptly stood up, he watched the water rolling down her body as she reached for a towel hanging next to the tub and wrapped it around herself as she stepped out. He watched as she unwrapped the towel, patted her legs dry and rewrapped herself before he answered.

"You're right", he said, leaning his arms over the side of the tub, "but, they were standing in the driveway, what was I supposed to do?"

"You should have arrested her, John," Natalie argued, "put her in jail, that's where she belongs", she answered back, spinning around, starting to get mad again.

"You're right…again but, I needed the information that Patrick had and there was no way he was going to let me take her in and even if I did, he'd have had her out so fast…..besides, I saw out in the driveway that he was armed It could have been so much worse Natalie", he told her, standing up and stepping out of the tub himself.

He stood there letting the water drip down onto the floor. It was her turn to watch as the water ran down his body. Still at his age, he was magnificent to look at. She looked down at the floor, then up into his face. He just smirk at her, and placed his hands on his naked hips.

Knowing she'd been caught staring, she rolled her eyes and handed him the towel she had wrapped around herself now that she was mostly dry. He watched her naked form walk away as he dried off. There was no way they could have a serious conversation when either or both of them were in this state of undress.

He didn't think it was possible for her to be more beautiful now but, she was. He'd always been attracted to her, her body had always been amazing but, having the children had actually been very kind to her body. Her breasts which were always voluptuous, were still perfect. Her hips were a little more rounded but, her waist was actually smaller than ever before. Looking at her now, it was hard to believe she had three children.

After drying off, he stepped into the bedroom at the same time she was coming out of the walk in closet dressed in her pajamas. A tank top and sleep shorts.

"We're wearing clothes to bed tonight?" he asked raising an eyebrow at her, trying to lighten the mood. He knew by the way she lightly smacked him on the arm, with the back of her hand as she passed that if she wasn't so angry with him, she would have laughed at that comment. Deciding not to push his luck, he stepped into the walk in closet to throw on his own clothes, which actually only consisted of his boxer briefs. Coming back into the bedroom, she had left the lamp on his bedside table on but, hers was off and she was facing the wall buried beneath the covers. Climbing into bed himself, he wrapped an arm around her waist, nuzzled his face into the back of her shoulder and held her tightly.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair.

"I love you, too," she whispered back before she drifted off.

John laid awake all night and for many nights after running what Patrick had told him over and over in his head. Both Katherine and Kaitlin were alive. How was this possible? He thought Kaitlin loved him, how could she have tricked him, left him like that and let him morn her? Was anything that happened the day that Haver supposedly killed her and shot him true? How could she live with herself, doing this to him putting him through what he went through for all those years? How could she? Her death broke him in so many ways. He pulled away from his family. He couldn't sustain relationships until he'd come to Llanview. How was he going to deal with this? And how the hell was he going to tell Natalie?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

The next morning, John found himself heading up the attic stairs. The attic of their home was really more of another room. It was an 'L' shaped and ran the length of the house. It had high ceilings, hardwood floors and large windows. They had talked about the possibility of making it into an office for John in the future. However currently, it was just a giant finished room with a few boxes in it.

They didn't have a lot to store when they moved in. Mostly assorted holiday decorations, a few boxes from his mother's house of some high school memories for him. A painting that Christian did for Natalie that she couldn't bear to part with and in truth, he actually liked. A few things she inherited from Asa when he passed away. He knew there had been a box of memories from when Natalie was married to Jared but, he also knew that that box had disappeared when Jared showed up alive last year.

There was also several old file folder storage boxes up there. Old case files he had worked on over the course of his career. Cases he didn't want to forget about, some unsolved and some closed.

Stepping into the attic, he couldn't really describe how he was feeling. He was looking for a box that while he knew was up here somewhere, he didn't really know where. It was an unmarked file box. It wouldn't match the other boxes up here. It was much older and smaller than the others. And while he had seen it over the years, he hadn't looked inside of it since he packed it away.

He couldn't shake the feeling that there was something inside of it that might give him some idea of why Kaitlin did what she did. Did she leave him voluntarily? Was she forced? Should he have known she was in trouble? Should he have known she was alive all this time? Should he have looked for her?

Natalie had told him after she got over the shock of the news that he had 'died' years ago in a car accident, she never really _felt_ like he was dead and that prompted her to find him in Hugh Hughes' place at the hospital. And he didn't know how but he knew when she had been kidnapped by Barber that she was alive. He just did, he felt it in his gut, a pull to find her until he actually did. So why didn't he know that Kaitlin was alive?

He spied it in the back around the corner. He took a deep breath and opened it. Pulling out picture after picture, trying to put aside the feelings that they evoked from the memories that they contained. He sat down on the floor and scrutinized everything.

He hadn't realized how long he had been up there until he heard his family arrive home. He stood up, feeling how stiff his back had become and looked out the window. Natalie was struggling to get Laney and Sean out of their car seats in her Black Denali, while Liam ran around the SUV. He never strayed far from his mother but, John knew that it was probably starting to stress Natalie out a little. He knew he really should go and help her but, he couldn't help but watch them without them knowing. He smiled. His son was so lively and spirited, and Laney standing calmly at her mother's side watching her brother run around, while Natalie picked up the baby. She was so beautiful, he was a lucky man.

He finally sprung into action seeing them move toward the door. Running down the two flights of stairs he managed to make it to the front door to open it for them.

"Hey my little darling", he said swinging Laney around as he picked her up as she came through the door. She giggle as her eyes lit up at the sight of her father.

"What are you doing home?" Natalie asked as she moved into the room and set Sean down in the playpen.

"I had some stuff I needed to do here so I left the station early," he told her as he helped Laney with her sweater. He still hadn't told her about the information that Patrick had given him. He really didn't know what to say.

"Oh?" she asked turning to look at him, "can I help?" She had asked so eagerly that he really hated to say no but, he couldn't have her help him with this. He was saved from answering by his son, who wanted to tell his dad about his day at preschool. Thankful that his son took after his mother in the talking department, John turned his attention to Liam. If Natalie noticed that he didn't answer her she didn't point it out, she just moved around the room hanging up Laney's sweater and the diaper bag by the door and straightening up.

As the days and weeks went by Natalie noticed John home more and more often when she would come home from picking up the kids. At first she attributed it to his new position as police commissioner. He said he would be home more but, she thought that meant not getting called out as often at all times of the evening and in the middle of the night.

But instead of him being less stressed he seemed more stressed than ever. Sometimes he would stare off into space and not have heard a word any of them had said to him. He would disappear for hours on the weekends and she found him coming down the stairs from the attic on several occasions.

When she asked him what was going on he just said nothing, that he had a lot on his mind. He didn't seem interested in anything going on in the house, and that wasn't like him at all.

He seemed to have an overall smooth transition into her uncle's old job. The guys at the station seemed pleased. Officer Davis had been promoted to Sergeant. Officer Fish, Oliver, had been promoted to Lieutenant and was next in line for the title of Chief of Police, John's old job.

But, he snapped at them all. The kids for leaving toys laying around, her for asking him if he was ok or any other little thing. The guys at the station for stupid nitpicky things. His poor new assistant, who was still trying to learn her job, Natalie ended up helping her quite a bit.

But, the biggest change has been the fact that he hadn't touched her in weeks. Since they made love in the bath the night Marty was in their house. It was unusual for them to go any length of time without, unless mandated by a doctor. After his accident, after each of their children were born and after his vasectomy. Otherwise they had a very health sex life. But lately he didn't seem to even notice if she was in the room. If she would try to touch him he would brush her off or ignore her.

She didn't understand. Did he realize he missed Marty? Did he realize he loved Marty and made a mistake by marrying her? Did it upset him to see Marty with her husband? Marty tried to kill her and she stole their son, twice. Marty was crazy, she was so out of her own mind that day she was in their home. Was he worried for her? Did he blame himself for the state she was in now? Unless he felt responsible for her condition, maybe that was it but, none of that was his fault. She didn't know what to do to get through to him.

"Blair's grand opening is tonight," Natalie said one morning several weeks later. They were sitting at the kitchen table. Finishing up breakfast with the kids. John was reading the newspaper and Liam had run upstairs to get his shoes. John was getting more and more distant with her. She was hoping to find a way to reconnect. When he didn't respond she tried again to get his attention.

"John," she said a little louder.

"What?" he said looking up from the paper annoyed.

She took a deep breath, it wouldn't do any good to start an argument with him. "Uhm, I said that Blair's grand opening is tonight," she said again, with all the patience she could muster.

"And I told you how I felt about that," he responded curtly.

"Well, I know but…it's been so long since we've done anything, just the two of us, I thought maybe we could go?" she asked hopefully.

"No," he said very matter a factly and turned back to the newspaper.

"We could just stay upstairs at Capricorn and have dinner," she tried again.

"Natalie, I don't want to go out," after folding the paper over he stood up and put his cup in the sink.

She sighed, feeling rejected. She watched him rinse his cup and walk out of the kitchen without a second glance at her. She felt the sting of tears at the backs of her eyes, she didn't have time to feel sorry for herself. She had to get Liam to preschool and Laney and Sean to her mother's so she could get to work. Typically John took one run or the other but, more often lately he'd been leaving the house without so much as a good bye let alone taking any of the kids with him.

John stopped at the foot of the stairs. 'Damn it', he thought, the look on her face broke his heart. He knew she had been putting up with a lot from him lately. He couldn't seem to snap out of it. She didn't deserve it.

She looked around the kitchen, the mess would have to wait. She unbuckled Laney from her chair and set her on her feet and giving her a kiss on the head, she turned to pick up Sean when she felt him reenter the room. She could feel his eyes on her. Natalie knew if she looked in his direction, she would probably cry so she avoided him by turning toward the sink to get a towel to clean Sean's face with.

Natalie felt him come up behind her and she froze when he placed a hand on her hip and his chin on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. Natalie tried to swallow around the lump in her throat. She watched his other hand come up and rub the top of Sean's head. It was the most affection she'd seen him give any of the kids in quite a while.

"I just…." She swallowed hard, and said shakily, "it's been so long since we've spent any time together," she took a deep breath before she said, "I….I miss you." She was acutely aware of how whiney that sounded but, she couldn't bring herself to care.

He could hear the tears in her voice and he knew it was all his fault. He'd been so preoccupied with this case for weeks. Trying to find Kaitlin was consuming all of his thoughts. John knew it was time he told Natalie the truth. He didn't want to lose her over this. They'd promised each other no more secrets. He wasn't intentionally keeping it from her but….he was keeping it from her.

"I know," he said. He reached up and tucked her hair around her ear, then he leaned in closer and spoke quietly into her ear, "we'll go….for dinner at Capricorn. Just me and you," He kissed Sean's head as the baby turned to smile at him. "There is something we need to talk about."

She turned quickly around in alarm, her blue eyes wide. "What about?" she asked, trying to not panic.

"Just…some things that have been going on, nothing to panic about," he told her as he looked into her eyes. She was holding Sean close to her and John had his arms around her, she smelled so good. He hadn't been this close to her in so long. And the way she was looking up at him, he knew she could feel it too. He leaned down to brush his lips against hers, he heard her gasp faintly as he pressed his lips more firmly to hers but, before he could deepen the kiss, he felt a tugging on his shirt tail. He broke off the kiss leaving Natalie's head spinning at the sudden departure of his lips from hers. She saw him looking down and she realized what the interruption was.

Their daughter was feeling left out and Natalie smiled as she watched John pick Laney up and place her on his hip. Laney had always been partial to John and was of the three of their children, the most like him. Quiet and observant, thoughtful and always analyzing her surroundings. Laney buried her face in her father's neck and stuck a thumb from one hand in her mouth and clutching his shirt in the other. Natalie knew that her daughter was afraid her father would disappear either emotionally or physically again and Laney was hanging on to him for dear life hoping it wouldn't happen. It broke her heart to see their kids so desperate for his attention.

She knew this distant side of him. She had seen it when they first met and throughout their early friendship but, he'd never been like this with any of the kids. Ever since Liam was a year old and they found out John was his father, not Brody, John had always been there. Open emotionally with all of them. He had thrown himself into fatherhood. Hopefully she could get some answers tonight. She was jolted out of her thoughts by his hand on her shoulder.

"You ok?" he asked

"Yeah," she answered, blinking away the thoughts, "I was…..just thinking."

"Did you hear me say I would take Laney and Sean to your mom's?" he asked looking into her eyes intensely. She could feel a shiver run down her spine. After all this time and all they had been through, she still loved and desired him so much. It amazed her.

"That would be really great," she said and despite each having a child in their arms, she reached out with her free hand and pulled his face closer to hers and kissed him. It wasn't a long kiss or an overly passionate kiss but, she poured all the love she felt for him in those few seconds, hoping he could feel it.

And he did, feeling her soft, warm lips against his made him wish they were alone in that moment. It had been far too long and he wanted his wife. He had to fix this, fix himself. He wanted his life back the way it was.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

Natalie knew she was pushing it but, it would all be worth it when he saw this dress. She was late coming back from lunch and he was waiting on a report she was supposed to have completed this morning. She didn't think she would be this long. She had run to every store in town looking for the right dress for tonight. She finally found it in the last place she went. She saw it in the window and she knew instantly it was the one. It was a beautiful form fitting, Persian blue, halter top style that ended an inch or so above her knees.

Natalie was brought up short at the door of her office.

"Hey Nat," Oliver was standing in front of her desk.

"Hey, I'm sorry, were you waiting for me?" she rushed in and hung the garment bag up on a coat rack behind her desk.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to be a pain but, John is crawling all over me about this report he was expecting this morning? I didn't think it was urgent but…"

"Oh, yeah right….I know. I'm sorry, I didn't think it was urgent either. I had to run out for lunch. I needed a dress for dinner tonight and I couldn't quite find what I was looking for until this last place. I saw it in the window-"

She was cut off by the phone ringing, holding a finger up to Oliver she answered, "McBain."

"I love to hear you answer that way," John told her, she could almost imagine a small smile on his face. He sounded like the old 'John'.

"I'm very happy to be able to answer that way," she said, she had to bite her lip to actually keep herself from giggling, her heart skipping a beat.

"Listen," he started, quickly switching gears, "I really need that report. I sent Oliver down there about ten minutes ago to get it, has he even been in there?" He sounded completely aggravated by the end of his question.

"Yes, I do. I had to step out for lunch….I had an errand to run. I didn't think it was….I know you said you needed it this morning but, I didn't realize it was urgent. I'm sorry. Can you give me like 10 more minutes? I just have to print it out, it's finished, " She cringed at how that sounded. He let out a deep sigh, clearly frustrated.

"Ten more minutes," he said and hung up on her.

She hissed through her teeth, trying to relax as she hung up her phone.

"I'm sorry Oliver, I didn't mean to put you in this position," she apologized, feeling a little dizzy at the abrupt about face he did on the phone.

Oliver smiled at her. "Hey it's alright. I'm not afraid of John. His bark is worse than his bite…..well I would imagine the bites are nice, too." He winked at her.

"Not bad at all," she laughed back.

"Well…let's see it," Oliver said.

"Oh yes, that report," Natalie moved around her desk to the labs computer.

"Not the stupid report. This amazing dress, you went all over town for!" he replied jokingly. Natalie smiled and went to the coat rack to unzip the garment bag to show him the dress.

"Wow Nat, you…are going to knock his socks off with that," Oliver told her, "you're right, that is amazing."

"Thanks," she laughed nervously, "that is kinda the plan. We haven't spent any time together lately and he has been so busy and preoccupied…I just wanted to have a nice night, you know…..reconnect."

" 'Reconnect', that is one word for it. I'll bet you lunch you don't leave your house," Oliver laughed turning to leave her office, he paused at the door, "oh and Natalie?"

"I know the report, right now," she put the dress away and started back towards the computer.

"Well, yeah but, I was going to say, hair down and nude heels with that…" he smiled to himself as he walked out. 'John McBain wasn't going to know what hit him when he saw that dress' was all he could think.

Standing in their walk-in closet, Natalie knew everything about tonight had to be perfect. She chose a pair of black lace panties she knew were his favorite and the matching strapless bra. She knew he was partial to any black undergarments she wore. Slipping on her silk robe she walked back out into the bedroom to find her oldest son standing in the middle of the room. She quickly closed the robe to cover herself.

"Hey, what in the world are you doing up?" Natalie asked Liam, crouching down to his height.

"I can't sleep," he said as he rubbed his eyes.

"You can't? Well, you know what? I am going to sing you your favorite song and you'll be asleep before Jody gets here. Ok?" She stood up and took his hand, walking back toward his bedroom.

"Where are you going?" He asked in a sleepy voice.

"Mommy and Daddy are going out to dinner...alone," she smiled at him, "we'll all do something special tomorrow, ok?"

"Dad and I are watching the game, he promised," Liam's eyes lit up.

"He did? Well, Dad never breaks his promises does he?" she smiled as Liam crawled back up into his bed.

"You don't need to sing to me, I'm a big kid," Liam laid down and Natalie tucked his blankets up around him.

"You are? Oh, well alright...if your sure?" She looked at him skeptically, feeling more than a little sad when he nodded his head yes.

"Well, good night then," she kissed him on the forehead and turned out the light on her way out of the bedroom. She turned at the door to look at him one last time only to see his eyes closed as if he was already asleep.

She walked slowly back to her room stopping to pick up a picture of her, John and Liam on Liam's Christening day. It seemed like just yesterday he was a baby. He would be starting school next year. They had been through so much since he was born. She knew they could make it through this too.

"Natalie! If we don't hurry up we'll be late." 'Damn it' John thought, looking at his watch. He really didn't feel like going out tonight but, she had seemed so down this morning so he gave in. And he realized he had to explain. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day. He knew he had to tell her what was going on. He had to.

"I'm ready," she said as she reached the bottom of the stairs. She stood nervously smoothing down the bottom of her dress. He turned and barely glanced at her.

"We need to get going," he said absentmindedly putting on his jacket, "you going to wear a coat? It's a little cold out." He said walking towards the door.

"Uhm, yeah," Natalie looked down at her dress and tried to hide her disappointment. She thought for sure he would loved the dress but, he barely looked at her. Boy had she misjudged that.s John grabbed her long black dress coat from the hook by the door and held it out to her. Not even bothering to help her with it.

Natalie stopped to make sure Jody had their cell numbers, then she grabbed her bag and followed him out the door.

They drove in silence, it was so loud Natalie thought her ears were ringing.

"Shit," she heard John say bringing her out of her thoughts. Looking up and seeing the mad house in front of Capricorn.

"Wow, this is crazy. I didn't realize that this night club would be this big of a deal," she said turning to look at him, trying to hid the disappointment in her voice, "we don't have to go if you don't want to."

"No, it's ok. We need to do this. How bout I drop you off and go park?" He said looking around at the crazy line, red rope and all. He shook his head.

"Yeah ok, at least they have separate entrances. That was smart of Blair," she mumbled as she pulled the handle on her SUV and slid out of the passenger side door when he pulled up to Capricorn's main entrance. If he responded at all, she didn't hear it.

Taking a deep breath she walked in the restaurant. She thought she would order them some drinks and get a table. There were lots of people having dinner and drinks but, the place wasn't packed. She moved around to the bar easily and waited for the bartender. She half-turned her back to the bar so she could watch for John to come in.

"What can I get you?" she heard a familiar voice ask, turning she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face.

"Christian?! What are you doing here?" She was genuinely happy to see him. Last time she'd talked to him he had gotten married to a woman he'd met in Barcelona. He and Erin had two boys. Two new Vega boys.

Christian smiled at her, obviously pleased to see her. "Blair needed some help for a couple of weeks opening Shelter, and I was between jobs so...I thought I would help her out for a while. A few weeks tops," he smiled at her. She always thought he had the best smile.

"That's so wonderful. I'm so glad to see you. Are Erin and the boys with you?" she asked him.

"No but, she'll be on her way soon. She wanted to spend some time with her folks before we decided on someplace permanent. Now that we have the boys, we really wanted to be back in the states, you know. We've both sent resumes to universities all over the country. It's like an adventure waiting to see who calls us back," he laughed as he lean his elbows on the top of the bar.

"That is so great. I'm so happy for you," she said and meant it. Natalie reach up and removed her coat.

"Are you here alone...dressed like that?" Christian asked her hesitantly, looking concerned.

"John's parking the car," she laughed and looked down at herself, "do you like it?" She raised her eyebrows and quickly twirled in a circle.

"Uhm...I'm wondering why John let you out of the house like that," he smirk at her.

"It's...a special night," she told him, a smile spreading slowly across her face.

"Yeah, I'll say. You look beautiful," he told her sincerely.

"Thanks." Natalie felt her confidence return, "can I get a couple of beers and a waitress to..." she turned and pointed to a table in the corner, "that table." She smiled at him when he nodded. Natalie made her way to the table and waited. She had just started to wonder what was taking John so long when he blew in quickly.

"Hey, what took you so long?" she asked him as he settled in his seat.

"You wouldn't believe it," he said cryptically and took a pull of his beer.

"Try me," she said, feeling hopeful again that her John was here.

"Vickers was out there...trying to get into Shelter, I guess...I don't even know what he thought he

was doing. He's ridiculous," he gave her a small smile.

"I didn't realize he and Dorian were back in town," Natalie said picking up her menu.

"You didn't see the paper this morning?" John ask her picking up his own, "you're mom had a whole write up today about some scandal Dorian Lord is involved in. Big surprise there," John finished as the waitress returned to take their order.

The slipped into silence and Natalie scanned her mind trying to come up with safe topics.

"Christian's here, he's helping Blair out during the night club's opening for a few weeks," she told him after the waitress left.

"Oh yeah," John said absently, looking around the room.

"Yeah," Natalie said back. They sat in awkward silence for what seemed to Natalie like an eternity but, was really only until the waitress brought them their meals. Which they then ate in silence. She was grateful to see Christian coming their way with fresh drinks.

"Hey, you guys looked a little low," he said with a casual smile, "how's it going McBain?" He asked John.

"Good," John answered absently, without looking up. Christian looked at Natalie who looked up and gave him a small embarrassed smile.

"I hear congratulations are in order for you guys," Christian said smiling back at Natalie.

John looked up at him, clearly confused.

"Tonio said you all had another son recently and that when Bo retired, you got a promotion?" Christian said, questioningly wondering if he got the story wrong.

"Oh, uh….yeah," John said taking a pull of his beer, looking out across the room. Christian looked toward Natalie quickly surprised by John's inattention. Natalie tried to give him a large happy smile but, he knew her well enough to see the fakeness in it.

"Thanks Christian," she said with a false brightness. He gave her a look that said he wasn't buying it but nodded once to her and walked away as the waitress brought out their dinner.

As she finished her meal, Natalie spotted Oliver and Kyle at the bar and waved at them. Prompting Oliver and Kyle to start over in John and Natalie's direction.

"Hey, didn't see you over here," Oliver said.

"Hi guys, how are you?" she asked them both, receiving a 'great' and 'wonderful' to her question, Natalie excused herself, "I'm going to run to the restroom, I'll be right back." John nodded but, she wasn't sure he really heard her.

"Wow, I owe her lunch. What were you thinkin' John?" Oliver asked John getting his attention.

"What do you mean?" John asked him clearly confused.

"I bet Natalie that there was no way you would let her not only out of the house in that dress but, not out of your sight! Boy, was I wrong," Oliver replied.

"Well not all men are neanderthals," Kyle spoke up, smiling, "I'm sure he wants to show her off."

John looked between the two men, still not sure he was following.

Oliver noticed John's confusion. "John," Oliver said exasperatedly, "tell me you noticed that dress."

John felt his heart sink, and when he didn't answer Oliver continued, "John, she spent all morning looking for just the right dress for tonight. She said tonight was special. You did notice how hot she looks? Right?...or the looks she's getting. Hell, I'm a gay man and I can definitely see it," Oliver nodded in the direction Natalie went. John turned to see her standing at the bar, talking and laughing with Christian and some guys from the station. Rice and Daniels. Their eyes were running all over his wife's body. The hair stood up on the back of his neck.

Turning his eyes to her himself he finally took her all in. Her dress clung to her curves. It was short and the blue color of her dress set her long hair on fire. Her hair fell down her back in waves, and the way the top was made, it left her shoulders bare. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen her look so sexy. And everyone was looking at her too, Oliver was right, if he would have been more focused on her...he wouldn't have let her out of the house.

"Shit," he muttered, setting his beer down and moved quickly across the room.

"Hey guys," John said wrapping his arm around her possessively. The officers nodded in return.

"Hey John, how you doing?" Christian asked him, as if they hadn't spoken earlier. Chris leaned his elbows down on the top of the bar and smiled know what brought about the change in John's attitude. Christian could clearly see John was staking his claim and he was pretty sure the other guys could too.

"Yeah, just fine. You?" John asked politely.

"Great, just great," Christian answered trying not to laugh out loud. Natalie was looking back and forth between the John and Christian confused since the just greeted each other not too long ago.

"That's….great then. Hey listen excuse us," he said quickly placing his at her elbow, gently pulling her back toward their table, glad to see that Oliver and Kyle had left so that he could be alone with her.

"What's wrong John?" She asked, her voice filled with concern.

"I...I am an ass. A complete ass," he said, running a hand through his hair and down over his face.

"Wh-why?" she asked not sure what he was talking about. He grabbed her hand and pulled her down into her chair and instead of taking his across from her, he pulled out the one right next to her, never letting her hand go.

Once he sat down he grabbed her other hand and held both of hers in both of his. She watched as he took a deep breath and looked up into her eyes, "I didn't tell you...just...how beautiful you looked tonight," he told her quietly.

She looked down and blushed, "oh, well…..I...it- it's ok-" she started.

"No. It's not. I'm so sorry. Truly," he told her as he looked into her eyes. All she could do was nod.

"Dance with me," he whispered. She laughed softly.

"John McBain does not dance in public," she teased with a small smile.

"I dance," he said, placing a hand on his chest pretending to look offended.

"In the privacy of our bedroom yes but, in public no." She spoke in a low tone and smiled at him.

"I have been known to dance in public...a couple of times...here and there...throughout the years," his smile grew as he looked at her, "and besides, I want to show everyone that you, in this dress...belong to me." His blue eyes smoldered as they looked into hers.

Still holding her hands in his, he stood up pulling her with him. He lead her over to where there were other couples dancing and John pulled her close. He slid one hand around her waist and curled his other hand around hers. Swaying so gently they were barely moving, she pressed her body even closer to his and rested their foreheads together.

After a they had danced one song and the next started, he said, "it's different you know, dancing with clothes on that is," John smiled. Natalie laughed and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love you, John," she whispered, then sighed and removed her hand from his so she could wrap both her arms around his neck..

"I love you and...I need to get you home. Desperately," he said winding his now free hand around her waist can caressing her back, pressing the side of his face to hers and she smiled at the roughness in his voice.

"But...we really need to talk first," he said regretfully, as he pulled back to look at her.

"What is it? Please tell me," she could hear the begging in her own voice and he could see it in her eyes.

"Come on, let's sit back down," he said as they made their way back to their table.

They settled back into their seats side by side, still holding hands, "Natalie, there's something I have to tell you," he looked into her eyes.

She nodded, "I'm listening," she said as she leaned forward.

"Ok, a few weeks ago, when-"

"Quick! Someone call the cops! Some chick OD'd downstairs!" John was out of his seat and half way down the stairs before the young man had even finished speaking. Natalie grabbed her purse and coat while she dialed for an ambulance and followed John, Oliver, Rice and Daniels down stairs.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs she saw John standing at the bar.

"Hey, I called an ambulance," she told him. John looked at the bartender, "can you call 911 and cancel that ambulance?" the bartender nodded and walked away. John turned back to Natalie, "listen uhm...they took her out the back door to the hospital already but, thank you."

"You're welcome...John, what's going on?" she could tell there was something he wasn't telling her.

"You uh, you might want to call your mom," he told her quietly.

"My mom, why? Oh my God, who was it?" she knew instantly she wouldn't like the answer.

John took a deep breath and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Sweetheart, it was Dani."

"What? No. Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yeah, the bartender said that Todd and Blair, Tea, Matthew and Destiny were all here and they took her to the hospital. I don't know anything else since they were gone when we got down here," he said, then continued, "listen, we are going to be here a while, why don't you go home? I'll meet you there later?"

"Well, I don't want to leave you, maybe I could help," she knew there wasn't anything for her to do here. Any dealers would be long gone, this was a matter of questioning witnesses. There shouldn't be any forensics involved.

"Go check on your mom then, and I will meet you at home...later," he said clearly dismissing her as he caught sight of Christian as he came down from upstairs, "Chris, we need to shut this place down right now."

"You got it John," Christian said as he turned to go back upstairs to lock the doors. John walked away to talk to the other officers leaving her standing there alone. Natalie knowing there were be no more discussion about it, turned to follow Christian to the doors.

"I'm sorry your night was ruined," he told her as he let her out.

"It's ok, see you later Christian," she smiled before she turned and walked through the parking lot to her vehicle and climbed inside.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

John left the nightclub and headed over to the hospital. He needed to see if Dani was awake and talk to Tea to find out what information he could about the overdose and who she got the drugs from. Entering the emergency room, he made his way to the front desk.

"Hey Gail," he greeted the night nurse. An older woman who reminded John of his grandmother, not that she was quite that old but, it was her demeanor and caring nature.

"Hi commissioner, your brother isn't on tonight," she said kindly.

John leaned down and spoke quietly to her, "I know. I'm here about an overdose that was brought in not too long ago. Danielle Manning."

"Oh," Gail said, "that poor girl. Family's in the waiting room fighting, your mother-in-law is in there by the way."

John turned around to face the waiting room. He couldn't see inside but, the thought of going in there wasn't pleasant until Gail continued….

"They were throwing punches in there earlier. Had to get security to break it up," she said, John turned around to look at her.

"Who was throwing punches?" He asked surprised by this news.

"Her father and his brother, trouble…both of them," she mumbled.

"Todd Manning? And his brother?" John asked. As far as he knew Todd Manning was still in Port Charles and Victor Lord was supposedly dead. He's learned over the last few years, that meant nothing in Llanview. If Victor was here maybe he could get some answers about Security Systems and Kaitlin from him.

"Yup, your mother-in-law was beside herself," she said as she walked away. John rubbed his hand over his face and walked over to look into the waiting room. He saw, Todd and Blair standing together on one side. Destiny and Matthew, Jack and some young man he didn't know, as well as Natalie's parents in the middle and sure enough on the other side stood Tea and Victor Lord all waiting for the doctor to speak. He stood in the doorway and listened. He saw the relief on their faces when the doctor told them Dani would recover.

John waited outside of the room for the doctor, he wanted to find out what it was she was on. After speaking to the doctor, John thought he should speak to Natalie's parents. There was no love lost between her father, Clint and himself. The men hated each other but, were civil for Natalie and Viki's sake. He thought he would speak to them then go in search of Victor Lord, he isn't going to be far from Dani's side.

He walked back to the waiting room and stepped in, not seeing Viki or Clint he was relieved. John turned to leave and was startled to see Victor standing behind him.

"You know….it's illegal to fake your own death," John told him, placing his hands on his hips.

"Yeah, I've heard that," Victor smirked back.

"Is there a reason I shouldn't take you in?" John asked him, as he casually leaned against the wall.

"I haven't done anything wrong. It wouldn't be worth it, I'd be out before morning," Victor said with an absent minded shrug, "besides, I'm not leaving my daughter."

John took a deep breath, and sighed. He knew what Victor said was true but, he realized he might be able to get Victor to help him, "believe it or not Lord, I don't want to arrest you today." John gave Victor a smirk of his own.

"Well, what the hell do you want, I don't have time for you," Victor said snidely as he crossed the hall and into the waiting room.

"Maybe just some information," John shrugged following him.

"Like what?" Victor said turning around, looking at John like he was crazy.

"Can't talk about it here," John said, standing in front of him.

"Where then?" Victor said.

"My office, one hour," John said and he turned to leave.

"Why not now?" Victor said aggravated.

John stopped and turned at the door, "I have to make a stop. It will give you time to check on….._your_ daughter?" John said questioning the use of the term Victor used. Victor didn't raise Danielle but, he had been lead to believe that she was Todd's daughter….only Victor wasn't Todd anymore. John rolled his eyes. It was almost unbelievable.

John turned without further discussion and left the hospital.

When Natalie returned home she paid Jody, the sitter and went upstairs to change her clothes. She took off her dress, put her silky, satin robe back on and went down stairs to wait for John. She knew he would be a while but, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. She settled onto the couch with an old afghan to watch the news. Next thing she knew, John was shaking her awake.

"Hey," she smiled sleepily up at him.

"Hey, why are you down here?" he asked her shortly.

Taken back by his tone, she answered, "I couldn't sleep." He stood up, grabbed the remote off the couch and turned off the television.

"How's Dani? Did you find out anything?" she asked sitting up.

"Nothing about who she got the drugs from but, apparently this wasn't her first time. Did you know that you didn't set the alarm or lock the door?" He asked her angrily.

"No, I didn't realize. Why are you so angry?" she demanded.

"We put all this money into this state of the art security system, not to mention there is a damn deadbolt on the door, if you couldn't think enough to set the alarm the least you could do is throw the lock. Jesus, Natalie!" He threw his keys down on the table near the entry way as he yelled at her.

She stood up slowly, "I'm...sorry? I don't understand why you're yelling at me," she looked at him in confusion. She knew she should have at least thrown the dead bolt but, she didn't think she deserved to be berated like a child.

"We see shit like this every day. Doors left wide open, people getting hurt because of it. I would have thought you would try a little harder to keep our children safe," he didn't know why he was taking this out on her. She didn't deserve it but, he couldn't stop the bull shit that was coming out of his mouth. She should hate him. He didn't deserve her. He never did.

He saw Victor Lord Jr. tonight at the hospital. That bastard was supposed to be dead but, instead that son of a bitch was walking around Llanview. John knew that that asshole was working for the same damn agency his mother used to run. The same one that Kenneth Fitzgerald runs now, with his two 'dead' daughters. With Kaitlin. He was prepared tonight to tell Natalie everything he had found out these last few weeks but, now he wasn't sure it was safe for her to know. Not until he talked to Victor.

He didn't like keeping this secret from her and it was driving a wedge between them, he could feel it. He didn't know what to do about it. He saw her take a deep breath and compose herself. She'd been doing that a lot lately. He picks a fight and she defuses it. She gives into him instead of fighting back. For any other guy, that would be what they would want to happen but, this was Natalie and Natalie fights back.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I should have made sure the door was locked," she said not meeting his eyes.

He rolled his eyes at her and huffed, "I have to go to the office," he said moving around the couch.

"What time is it?" she asked confused again, following him. He just got home.

"Around two," he answered rubbing his chin and turning to look for the keys he threw.

"Wait a minute, why do you have to go back? Just...come to bed. Finish in the morning, it will keep," she followed him to the entry way of their home.

"I can't sleep now-" he started.

"Well, I can't either," she slid her arms around his waist under his open jacket. Her thumbs rubbing his sides, "stay here with me," she whispered.

"Natalie...not now," he said not knowing if he could resist her. He tried to remove her arms but she only held on tighter.

She said, "why not now? It's been so long and earlier you said-"

"I know what I said but-"

"No," she said sternly, "no 'buts'. I want you John, and I know you want me to." She looked into his eyes as she brought her hands out from under his coat and slowly untied the belt of her robe reveling the black lace panties and bra she was barely wearing. She slid the robe off her shoulders and let it slide to the floor, then she stepped closer to him. Never breaking eye contact with him she ran her hands up his chest under his jacket again but this time over his shoulders, pealing the jacket off of him.

As it slid down his arms she brought herself up onto her toes and slowly put her lips to his. It was slow an sensual for only a few seconds. She quickly turned the kiss hard and passionate. Snaking one hand into his hair and the other grasping the collar of his shirt. As soon as his arms were free of that jacket, he planted a hand at the small of her back and one into her hair, fisting it to hold her mouth hard against his. She freed her hand from his hair and threw it around his neck holding on desperately. She could feel her lips bruising and she didn't care. She knew she was going to have to breathe soon.

John tightened his arm around her waist and lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he moved them to the couch. Her back hit the leather couch as his mouth left hers and found the place behind her ear that made her squirm, then moved down her neck. Her hands found the buttons of this shirt, and when she couldn't get them to work, she ripped the shirt opened sending buttons flying. He leaned up to rip the shirt from his body as she started on his belt buckle. Once he got his ruined dress shirt and t-shirt off, his hands joined hers in unbuttoning, unzipping and finally opening his pants. She pulled them down until they hit his knees. Since he was still kneeling on the couch over her, they stayed bunched there.

He pushed her roughly back down and slid his hand under her back to undo her bra. As he leaned down to attack her breasts, it was her turn to fist her hand in his hair. And she pulled hard, pulling his face up to hers so she could look into his eyes.

"I love you," she said willing him to see it in her eyes as well as hearing it in her words. "it's just you and me right?" she asked, using the words they'd used in their vows, feeling the tears prickling in her eyes.

He brought a hand up and caressed her cheek, running his thumb over her lips and down her chin.

"Just me and you. I love you too, sweetheart, so much," he whispered.

What started rough and fast turned slow and gentle as he made love to her. She felt closer to him than she had in weeks. As they slowly ran their hands over each other she couldn't imagine things going back to the way they had before. They had finally reconnected and she felt like things were different now. Back the way they were before. She could feel his heart. And at this moment, that was all that mattered. Not realizing her heart would be breaking sooner than she thought.

John was reclining in the corner of the couch, his slacks sorted back out and fastened. Natalie, clothed only in John's ruined shirt, was draped a crossed his chest as he ran his hand up and down her back. She was almost asleep when she noticed him look at his watch, then rub a hand over his face.

"I've gotta go," he said and he started to sit up.

"Go? Go where?" she said looking up at him not moving.

"I told you, I had to get back to the office," he said cautiously but, firmly.

"John, it's the middle of the night. W-we just made love, you have to leave? Now?" She asked feeling like she'd been slapped in the face.

"Natalie, I'm a cop. You knew that when you married me. I don't work eight to five," he said sternly as he physically removed her from him and stood up.

"John, you're 'Commissioner of Police', you're the boss. And as a station employee, I happen to know there are no pressing, open cases at this time. Don't give me this bull shit that you _have_ to go to the office to work," she stood up and faced him toe to toe.

"Don't pretend to know anything about what I do Natalie," he growled at her. He then seemed to realize even if he could get the shirt off of her, he couldn't wear it. He turned away from her without explanation and walked away. Through the dining room and kitchen to the laundry room on the other side. Grabbing a shirt off of a hanger and taking a deep breath, he made his way back to the living room.

She was sitting on the couch with her face in her hands. She wasn't making any noise but, he knew she was crying. He paused, he wanted to go to her, take her in his arms and make love to her again but, knowing he needed to leave. He was suppose to meet Lord almost an hour ago. He needed to find out what happened to Victor Lord, what he knows and what he's been doing all this time. So instead of following his gut and comforting his wife, he grabbed his jacket off the floor, he grabbed his keys off the table and set the alarm as he left.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

John walked into his office, he knew Lord wouldn't still be here but, he was hoping.

"Damn it," he muttered as he crossed the room, picking up his phone as he started to sit down.

"Where the hell have you been?" John heard, looking up he saw Victor Lord standing in his doorway.

"I had to run home and check on Natalie. You ready to talk?" John asked him setting the phone down.

"Ah Natalie…how is my favorite niece?" Victor asked him with a smug look, and slowly sauntering into John's office.

John looked at Victor, the idiot was out of his mind. "Natalie was never your favorite," John told him patiently , "that was Jessica. Jessica is everyone's favorite." John finished, mumbling absently. He respected Jessica as Natalie's sister but, he saw how the family treated Natalie and Jessica differently.

"Not yours I guess," Victor baited him by smiling snidely.

"I'm married to Natalie," John said shortly.

"Actually Jessica was Todd's favorite so I guess, I should make Natalie my favorite, that would only be fair," Victor muttered, not paying any attention to John, "hey!" Victor said, "that means I'm not the one that tried to sell her heart to her grandfather, that's gotta mean something." Victor pretended to ponder his revelation, chuckling a little.

"Look, can you help me or not?" John had just about enough of this game. It was the middle of the night, he'd left his wife crying on the couch he'd be damned if he would stand here and spar with Victor tonight.

"I don't really have much else to say. You can't touch me, the moment you arrest me, they are just going to swoop in and get me out," Victor told him. John knew he was right.

"Actually….I don't want to arrest you. I just need some information on the people you work with, that's it," John told him.

Victor looked John over and after a beat said, "naw, it's dangerous for you to know and I would hate to be the reason my favorite niece is a widow or dead."

Victor sat down in the chair opposite John's desk.

"I can keep Natalie safe. You don't have to worry about her," John told him as he sat down in his chair.

"It's so….cute that you think so," Victor chuckled and then sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes. He knew there was no way McBain was going to let this go. "What do you want to know?" he asked him.

John took a deep breath. "Evangeline Williamson and Jared Banks showed up last year alive and well and with blank memories of where they had been when they were supposed to be dead. Rumor has it, it was your pals at Security Systems that took them in the first place. I want to know why?"

Victor looked stunned. "Evangeline's alive?" He asked John, when John nodded. Victor swallowed hard, "I didn't know that."

"How could you not know?" John asked him confused. It hadn't exactly been national news but, if Victor was working for the same company, he should have known they were alive.

"I've been out of the loop for a while. I haven't exactly been working for them again for long," he said evasively.

"Well….where have you been?" John asked, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know.

"Let's just say….I've been tied up," Victor responded arrogantly.

"Yeah?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Are we done here? I'd like to go back to the hospital and sit with my daughter," Victor said and stood up.

"Only….she isn't really your daughter though is she?" John looked up at Victor, "actually no, I have another question. Have you ever met the guy that took over for your mother? Fitzgerald? Do you know where to find him?"

"A couple of times. Seemed like a nice fella and no I don't at this moment," Victor sniffed, clearly over this conversation.

"What about his daughters?" John asked.

Victor studied John a moment before he answered him, "I thought you were married to Natalie?"

Victor mocked him.

"Just curious. I think I might have met them once," John said as he leaned back in his chair.

"Uh-huh, I'll see what I can find out, how 'bout that?" Victor said as he turned to leave the office.

"Yeah….you do that," John muttered to his back, watching him walk out. John spun his chair around and sat back so he could look out the window. 'What a mess,' he thought as he stared out into the night, he snorted 'morning,' he thought. The occupants of his home would be stirring soon. He closed his eyes and for the first time ever, he dreaded the thought of going home. John stood slowly, grabbed his cell and keys and left the station. Thoughts jumbled in his head. Concern for Dani, Where the hell had Victor been and how the _hell_ was he going to find Kaitlin.

John disabled the alarm as he entered the house. He noticed that Natalie hadn't moved from the couch since he left but, she was obviously asleep. He walked over to the couch and he closed the front of his ruined shirt, tucked a blanket around her and sat back on a chair to watch his wife sleep.

Natalie was a beautiful woman. She looked like an angel when she slept. He hated that he was hurting her but, he didn't know how to stop. He was so angry. He felt betrayed. Used. Humiliated. And he was taking it out on her and she certainly didn't deserve it. Suddenly a noise from the stairs startled him. Looking in that direction, Liam stood peeking around the corner.

"What are you doing buddy?" John spoke quietly as he stood up and made his way to the stairs.

"I'm hungry, I think mommy forgot to wake me up," Liam said looking up at his father.

"Well….uhm…..mommy isn't feeling too well. We need to let her sleep a little longer," John responded, looking over at the couch to make sure she was still asleep, "let's go get dressed. Then we can get your brother and sister and have breakfast, how's that?" John asked as he maneuvered Liam up the stairs.

One, two, thee….she counted. One, two, three…what was that? One, two, three…tapping. One, two, three…on her nose. One, two, three…she opened one eye and quickly closed it. One, two, three…and a giggle. She opened both eyes this time to see her son kneeing down next to her. Giggling.

"Were you tapping my nose?" She asked him groggily, rubbing her eyes and sitting up.

"Yes," he giggled again.

"Why?" She realized she was on the couch still. The events of last night hitting her in a wave of despair. Remembering how she had been dressed she looked down quickly. John's shirt was pulled closed and a blanket was tucked tightly around her.

"To wake you up," Liam said matter of factly.

"Oh…ok," Natalie rubbed her face again, "are you hungry, buddy?"

"Nope, Dad made breakfast. I ate fast cause he said I couldn't wake you up until I ate," Liam said proudly.

"Daddy made you breakfast?" Natalie asked confused. Not that John didn't ever make the kids breakfast but, he hadn't in so long. And with the way he had been acting lately- he must have been up all night.

"Are you guys fighting?" Liam asked her in a low, serious voice.

"No buddy, we aren't fighting. Why do you ask?" Natalie looked at him closely.

"Cause, Joey Davis says that his mom and dad fight a lot and his dad is always sleeping on the couch," Liam told her. He was looking at her the way John does when he wants to discuss something serious.

Hoping she was keeping her features neutral she said, "well, Dad and I didn't have a fight. I wasn't feeling good so I slept down here," she told him.

"Is that why you are wearing his shirt…..were you sick on yours?" Liam asked her innocently.

Trying not to laugh, she said seriously, "yes honey. Uhm….where is your dad?"

"In the kitchen with Laney and Seany. Seany doesn't want to eat. I'm supposed to be getting my shoes on," Liam said, he sat back and looked at his mother.. Natalie looked at him and raised her eyebrows, "I'm gonna go do that now," he said as he jumped up and ran upstairs.

Natalie waited until she knew Liam wouldn't be able to see how she was dressed before she threw the blanket aside and ran upstairs. Looking at the clock she only had about twenty minutes before she had to leave the house. 'Damn it' she thought, why the hell did he wake her up earlier.

She was standing in the middle of the room, facing away from the door, trying to decide whether or not she could make it if she took a shower, when the bedroom door opened. She knew immediately it was John and not one of the kids. Her body had always instantly reacted to his presence no matter where they were or what was going on.

"Hey," he said softy, sounding as if they hadn't argued, "I'm going to take the kids to school and your mom's. You should take your time, I'll cover for you."

When she didn't move or answer he said, "did you want to throw on a robe or something and see them before we leave?"

Natalie tore the shirt from her body not caring that she had nothing on underneath and walked into the bathroom and threw the shirt angrily into the trash and grabbed her old ratty terry cloth robe from the hook on the back of the door. She shrugged it on and she stomped past him and down the stairs.

Sean was in the playpen in the corner of the room and she picked him up first before she sat on the couch and just held him close, kissing his head. She watched Liam explaining something to Laney about the toy car he was holding. She couldn't focus on his words. She was just marveling at how wonderful her children were and wondering if her family was about to fall apart. She didn't even realize she was crying until Laney came over, crawled up onto the couch next to Natalie and wiped her cheek.

As John sat waiting for Victor at the docks, he ran the events of the morning over in his head. Liam must have asked him fifty times if he and Natalie were fighting. He hated to for his kids to think that they were when they weren't. Well, he guessed they kind of were. Actually it was more that he was an ass last night and she wasn't going to let him forget it anytime soon. Rightfully so. He wanted to take her in his arms this morning when he saw her crying. She doesn't have any idea what it does to him when she cries.

"McBain," Victor said bringing John out of his thoughts.

"Lord," John said back, "you have some news for me?" John asked.

"Depends on what you mean by news," Victor smirked at him. John had always wanted to smack that smirk off his face. Instead he just sighed and turned to look out over the river.

"I can get you in if you want," Victor said.

John spun to face him, narrowing his eyes, "get me in?" he asked. John's heart had skipped a beat, surely he wasn't serious.

"Into the building, into the ranks, whatever you want," Victor said. "Your friends, the Fitzgerald's…they'll be in this general…..vicinity of the state at the end of the month or so. Might be a little longer," Victor told him waving his arm around.

"In Llanview?" John asked, wondering just how often they were here.

"What? Of course not in Llanview…geez, no," Victor scoffed, "but, close. Lancaster-ish." Victor said vaguely.

"Lancaster-ish?" John parroted, and looked at Victor with distrust.

"Yup," Victor sighed, obviously bored, "you want in or not?"

John thought it over for a minute, he'd been searching for Kaitlin or anyone from her family for weeks now and all he found was dead ends. This might be his only chance to confront her.

"Oh and before you answer, you need to know that everyone's being watched," Victor said as though he was talking about the weather.

"Being watched?" John asked.

"Is this how you carry on interrogations? You just repeat what someone says to you cause, I have to tell you, I can't image how they go with-"

"Alright, alright. Maybe if you would give more than half the information, I wouldn't have to prod you to keep talking. Who is being watched? Who is everyone?" John snapped back.

"Everyone, the family. Tea, my kids, Viki, Jess, Blair and yes, you and Natalie," Victor said tiredly, "and you can thank my brother for that."

"What does Todd have to do with this?" John asked.

"I'm not really sure yet but, I intend to take care of it," Victor told him ominously.

"Don't go getting yourself in trouble," John said, not really caring what the brother's Manning were up to at the moment. John was running this new information over in his head. "Are they in danger?" He finally asked Victor.

"I don't know but, I plan on disappearing again to keep my family safe, I'll be traveling with the Fitzgerald's and their group out of the country then from there….." Victor said letting his voice trail off, and John thought that this was the first time in his life he'd ever seen Victor with a look of regret on his face, "you can come with if you want. I can get you in."

"When are you leaving?" John asked him.

"I plan to disappear in a couple weeks, then from there….I don't know. You think about it, I'll be in touch," Victor said and he walked off.

John stood staring out over the water. How would he ever explain this to Natalie and how would she ever understand. Victor said he'd be leaving in a couple of weeks, then in a month they'd be in Lancaster. He'd missing Halloween for sure and it would be very close to Thanksgiving. 'Shit', he thought, and Laney's birthday.

If the roles were reversed, he didn't think he would understand. Holidays had become so important to her since Laney was born and all they had gone through that year. She would insist on being a part of this and he needed her to stay as far away as possible. She's been impulsive and reckless in the past. And they couldn't afford for her to fly into this headfirst now. Their relationship was bigger than the two of them now. His children needed her. He had to keep them safe if he did this but, how?

John made his way back to the office. He sat down at his desk, running things over in head.

He was brought out of his fog by the slamming of his office door. He hadn't even realized someone had been in here with him. He was so tired. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. He couldn't concentrate on anything. He was consumed with finding Kaitlin and nothing made sense. He saw her body in the casket, he saw it leave the chapel and go straight to the cemetery, and he saw it lowered into the ground. He barely took his eyes off of it, how the hell did they get her out?

He spent his days searching through memories and pictures, trying to remember something he'd missed. And most nights calling on old contacts and informants looking for any information on her where-a-bouts. Something out of the ordinary that would have tipped him off that she was alive.

He should have known she was alive. He hadn't noticed how many days had passed since he learned the truth from Patrick Thornhart. He would go with Victor. He had to get answers. He couldn't live without knowing the truth about what happened. How would be able to leave Natalie and the kids? He didn't know how long they would be gone. How far would he have to travel? Lancaster wasn't that far but, did Victor expect him to travel with them out of the country? Would he travel with them? To get to Kaitlin, he might have to.

So many questions and no answers.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 7

It had been a week since John had spoken to Victor and knowing Lord was leaving in a week or so was weighing on his mind. Knowing that he would have to make a decision soon was eating him up inside. Leave his wife and kids and find out the truth or forever live in the dark.

As usual, John barely spoke to any of them at dinner. Liam tried desperately to get his attention and finally gave up and sulked until Natalie finally told him he could go get ready to watch the baseball game on television that John had promised to watch with him. She thought she would cry when Liam told her he didn't want to watch it anymore and went to his room. John never said a word. Like he never heard any of the exchange. He was lost inside his head.

"John," she said looking at him.

"Yeah?" he said back but, the look on his face clearly told her he wasn't paying attention.

"John," she said a little more forcefully.

"What?!" he snapped at her, finally turning to look back at her.

"What is wrong with you?" she hissed, trying to keep her voice down.

"What?!" he growled at her again.

"You promised to watch that game with Liam," she said angrily trying to be quiet.

He looked at his watch, and then around the table, "well where the hell is he? It's getting ready to start."

"He is up in his room because you ignored him all through dinner. You hurt his feelings," she said getting up to clear the table. She knew he wouldn't help, he hadn't in weeks. Slamming the plates together as she cleaned up, she was fed up.

"Well for Christ's sake," he mumbled as he got up and trudged upstairs.

She stood stunned. What the hell was happening? This was not the man she married. She managed to get the table cleared, and the dishwasher loaded before heading upstairs to give both Laney and Sean a bath.

Passing through the living room on her way to the stairs she noticed that neither John or Liam were talking or even sitting next to each other. It broke her heart to see her lively, happy little boy so sad.

She worked as quickly as she could getting Laney and Sean bathed and in their pajamas and into bed. She walked down stairs and watched John and Liam for a few more minutes. Liam was watching the game but, not enjoying it in the least. Usually it was question after question nonstop talking and laughing when they watched a game together. John looked like he would rather be anywhere else. She wasn't even sure he was paying attention to the game.

"Liam," she said in a soft voice. He turned to look at her and she motioned for him and he got up and walked slowly over to her. She reached a hand out for him to take, this time she did tear up when Liam looked forlornly back at his father who never acknowledged him getting up. Sadly he took her hand and followed her upstairs.

"Grab your pjs and meet me in the bathroom, ok?" she asked of him gently. She ran his water and sat down on the closed toilet seat to wait for him. When he came into the room she could tell he had been crying.

"Hey buddy, you ok?" Hoping he would open up to her.

He looked at her for a moment and said softly, "Daddy doesn't love us anymore." He started crying again and Natalie pulled him to her and held him tightly.

"Oh baby, Daddy does too love you," she told him.

Liam shook his head, "no, he doesn't. I don't feel loved by him anymore, I know."

"Hey now, you know that your dad has a very stressful job. It's really, really hard sometimes to catch bad guys. Remember I told you that sometimes it's like a puzzle? And sometimes, he can't stop thinking about it but, that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. You just wait and see, whenever he figures out this puzzle, he'll feel better. I promise, ok?" She said hoping she could keep this promise.

When Liam was finally down for the night, Natalie went downstairs. She decided to try to talk to John again only find the television off and all of the lights except for the one she leaves on if he is out. She went to the front door, the alarm wasn't set. She looked out the window and his truck was gone. She set the alarm, turned off the light, went to bed and cried herself to sleep.

If he came home that night, he didn't leave any evidence of it. She got her kids fed and ready to go the next morning. Dropping Laney and Sean off at her mother's and Liam at preschool she headed to the station. Wondering how single mother's do this all the time. She had a new found respect for Jessica and Destiny.

After several days of running things over and over in her head, Natalie decided there was only one person that could help. She hated what she was doing but, she didn't know where else to turn. She knocked on the door and waited nervously for someone to answer.

"Natalie?" Marcie said as she opened the door.

"Hey Marcie," she had been hoping Michael was home alone, "uhm…is Michael here?"

"Yeah, come on in. Let me go get him for you," Marcie said as she left the room. She was only gone a moment.

"He's coming, he's been working from home a lot more these days, you know on paperwork and stuff, it's been really nice to have him here. Well I am sure you know all about that and-"

"Hey Natalie," Michael said coming into the room, interrupting his wife. Natalie gave him a small smile, "hey, are you busy? Can we talk?" she asked him nervously. It had been so long since she's done this, come to Michael for help with John.

"Uh, yeah. You ok?" He asked her, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Yup…uhm. Could we maybe talk in private?" she looked at Marcie, giving her a small smile, hoping that she wouldn't offend her sister-in-law.

"Oh, sure, don't mind me. I have to go and pick up Gabe from soccer practice anyways," she turned to Michael and he gave her a kiss on the cheek, "I'll be back later." She said as she grabbed her jacket and headed out the door. Natalie gave her a small wave as she closed the door behind her.

When she turned back around, Michael was leaning one hip against their dining room table, pinning her with a look that instantly made her feel guilty. She stood twisting her wedding ring around her finger.

"What?" she asked him, "just say it," she said exasperatedly.

"What are _you_ doing?" he asked her, with narrowed eyes and a smirk on his mouth.

"Michael-" Natalie started already aggravated by his amusement but, he interrupted her.

"Why do I feel a strange sense of déjà vu here? I remember that look on your face, I remembered it the second I saw you," he said as he crossed the room to sit down on the couch. "That look usually was accompanied by one question….I can tell you that, yes, my brother does love you as evidence of your children and your marriage. There you go."

"No Michael, this is more serious than that," she came over and sat down next to him.

"Really? Ok. So tell me, what's up with my brother?" Michael said still slightly sarcastically, he leaned back.

"I was just wondering if you had talked to him lately? He's been acting…..off. And I'm not sure what's wrong."

"Well, and this is a novel idea…have you tried asking him what's wrong?"

"Yes smart ass, I have. He won't tell me," she said getting irritated. She hesitated before starting again, "how he's acting….it reminds me of…how he was after his accident. It's like….he's bi-polar or something," Natalie paused, not being sure how to continue.

"Michael…..Marty was at our house a few weeks ago," she said.

"Wait….what?" Michael said confusedly.

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this," she mumbled, "but, God, I don't know what to do. He's been like this ever since she was there. Do you…do you think he misses her? I mean, it's just…..the last time he acted like this he navigated towards her. Maybe he realized he missed her or….." Natalie ran her hands through her hair, "damn it I just don't know," she took a deep breath and continued in a soft voice, "he's so angry and so distant, except for these tiny little glimpses of normal occationally and then it's 'bam' back to crazy. And the kids….they don't understand. He sits around and does all of that brooding crap like before. Remember? And he gets lost in his head and you can't bring him back," she looked up at Michael and her eyes filled with tears, "earlier in the week, Liam said 'Daddy doesn't love us anymore'. And I'm scared that I'm losing him." A sob escaped her and she put a hand up to her face and covered her eyes.

"I didn't realize…hey, hey listen," Michael put an arm around her in support, "I'll check it out ok? Don't worry. There is no way he is pinning for Marty Saybrooke. I can promise you that. He told me once that he never felt half of what he feels for you, for her. There's gotta be something else."

"Before, it was just me…you know but, the kids…Liam is so lost," Natalie swiped at her eyes, "we have so much more to lose this time," she whispered.

"I won't let that happen, I promise," he told her.

"John, man…what are you doing?" Mike asked taking the seat across from him at the diner a few hours later.

"What are we talking about?" John asked him as the waitress poured them both cups of coffee.

"I talked to Natalie yesterday," Mike responded.

"Yeah and?" John said absently.

"She's worried about you brother, and frankly after talking to her….so am I," Mike said, adding, "I'm actually worried about both of you."

"Listen, Mike…..there's just a lot going on right now," John said staring into his cup, rubbing his neck.

"Yeah, like what? You don't have anything going on that everybody else doesn't. Kids, work….life is always moving forward," Michael looked at John closely. It didn't looked as though he'd been eating or sleeping much. Something more was definitely going on.

"Be straight with me man," Michael told him.

"Just stay out of it Mike," John told him irritably, pinching the bridge of his nose, this was definitely not helping his headache.

"You didn't see her Johnny, she was beside herself. Natalie doesn't rattle easy. So tell me…what is going on with you," Michael said.

John rubbed his face, he was so tired. He might need Michael's help. He couldn't tell him everything.

"Listen Michael, I need you to do something for me," John said as he leaned forward resting his elbows on the top of the table.

"All you have to do is name it," Michael responded without hesitation.

"I need you to look after Natalie and the kids," John said.

Michael sat back against the bench and looked at his brother for a moment before he spoke, "why would I have to do that?" He asked slowly.

"I have…..something I have to do. Something I have to take care of and…..I need you to watch out for her. She'll need help and she won't ask anyone to help her…you know. She'll say she can handle it all on her own and…well, hell she probably can but, I need to know that you're here helping her if she needs it," John finished.

"Where you going John?" Michael was suspicious and had a sinking feeling he wasn't going to like the answer.

"I've just….there's something I've got to do and I won't be around for a while," John said, he couldn't even look at his brother.

"And she knows all about this…thing you have to do?" Michael asked.

John didn't answer him, he sat back against the bench himself and threw his arm up along the top.

Looking his brother dead in the eye but, refusing to answer the question.

"No. No-no-no-no….I'm not a good liar John, I can't do that. Don't ask me to lie to her," Michael spoke quickly.

"Mike, I need you to do this. I need to know that they're safe," John finally spoke.

Michael sighed deeply. "Is this dangerous?" Michael asked finally.

John shrugged slightly and said, "it could be, I just don't know yet. Probably."

"John, you have to tell her. Just tell her the truth, she'll understand," Michael pleaded with him.

"I don't know, you know. I've been over this and over this in my head and I'm not sure she would. Natalie hears danger and she runs right to it without thinking. She conned Brody into letting her drive the get-away car for me and almost died in the accident. Look at what happened with Barber and the killing club murders, she was almost killed," John took a deep breath, "way too close to being killed," he mumbled. "I think…..I think I need her to believe that I left on purpose. Just in case anyone is watching us."

"Do you have any idea what that is going to do to her? Do you? You're going to break her heart….again!" Michael was furious. "You always do this. You find _something_ that you just have to obsess over and you take it too far. Dad's murder, Barber and the killing club, Haver and his involvement with the white rose murders, the music box killer, and Kaitlin's murder," John stiffened at the mention of Kaitlin knowing that she wasn't dead, "John, you've almost lost Natalie to _almost_ all of those obsessions. And you have children now. You can't be doing this anymore. If not for her…do it for them."

John sat silently for a moment, thinking of all his brother had said. He was right but, he had to see this through. When Lord contacted him and said he could get him into the organization if John wanted him too. He knew he had to try to find Kaitlin. For his own peace of mind. He had to see her or he couldn't move on.

"I can't let this go Mike. I can't," John said finally.

"And what happens after you've done….whatever this is? You think she's going to forgive you again? Not even Natalie is that stupid," Michael told him, looking him straight in the eye. Michael was furious.

"No actually. I don't expect her to forgive me. She shouldn't. Do I hope she will and she'll understand? God you have no idea. But, I need her to be alive and safe and if that means I've lost her….well…I- I can live with that," John was silent for a moment, trying to control his emotions but, when he spoke Michael could hear it in his voice, "she saved me Mike, from myself. She is _the_ best thing I never saw coming all those years ago. I never expected her, you know. She is….She's everything. She keeps me sane, she keeps me grounded just by loving me…..SHE_loves_ me" John sounded astonished even to himself. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, "but, those kids….God, those kids, my children. They need her more. And I _need_ my children to have their mother. Even if she hates me." John down his coffee in one swallow and stood up. "So, do I expect her to forgive me? Nope, am I prepared to lose my wife, nope but, I can't let this go. I've let it go for too long now and I can't move on until I get some answers."

Throwing a few bills on the table to help cover the ticket, he turned and walked out without looking back and headed for the station.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8

Since John opted to keep his old office and not move into Bo's old one, she entered through the visitors entrance, skipping the precinct floor altogether and went straight to the lab. It was a while later that she heard him. Berating someone for something. She brought a report down to Fish, who was in Bo's old office now, for him to look over.

"What's wrong?" she asked Oliver.

"Who knows," he said sounding tired, "he was like that all morning and all afternoon, dinner doesn't seem to have done him any good."

"I'm really sorry, I don't know what has gotten into him, " she said feeling embarrassed that she didn't know what was wrong with her own husband.

"Hey, you're his wife. Not his mother or his conscience, don't you feel like you need to apologize for him," he said putting a hand on her shoulder in support.

"I just don't know what to do. He's like this at home too. When he is home," she felt the tears well up, she tried to keep them from falling but a few escaped.

"Oh Natalie," Oliver said softly and pulled her into a hug, feeling sorry for her.

"And what's going on in here?" She heard John say from the door, she tried to wipe her eyes before turning around so he wouldn't notice she had been crying.

"Nothing, we were just talking," she said nonchalantly.

"You don't get paid to stand around and talk," John glared at both of them and stalked off.

Natalie shook her head and turned to Oliver.

"See? I don't know what to do," she felt fresh tears threatening to spill over. She placed the palm of her hand against her forehead, she was starting to get a headache.

"Natalie-" Oliver started.

"No, I'm ok, I'm just exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night. John never even bothered to come home so….." She wiped her face again, took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders, "I'll see ya later, ok?" She turned and walked toward the door,

"Hey Nat, if you need anything. I'm here for you," Oliver said, she turned and smiled at him.

"Thanks Fish," she said, giving him a small smile as she closed the door behind her.

She knocked on his door and waited for him to answer, it was more of a growl then a 'come in' but, she would take it.

"We need to talk," she said evenly, slamming the door behind her.

"I don't have time," he said without looking up from his computer.

"Well, make time," she said forcefully, placing her hands on her hips.

"You know what Natalie, I have a job to do and the last time I checked, so do you. Why don't you go do it?" He snapped at her, standing up and moving to the file cabinet.

"John, we can't go on like this," she said desperately, as if she hadn't heard him.

"Like what Natalie?" He said moving back to his desk, "like I'm busy. Working, Something you should be doing instead of cuddling with Lieutenant Fish, who by the way is in a relationship already."

"Yeah, and he's also very, very gay. You can't be seriously jealous? My God, it's not like you've touched me in weeks anyways, What do you care?" She said angrily, her voice raising as she struggled to control her feelings."You are being a dick to everyone, including your children. What is your fucking problem? Is this some sort of mid-life crisis? Why don't you just go buy yourself a fucking sports car? or a motorcycle? That's what other men do!"

John rubbed a hand over his face and back through his hair, clearly as aggravated as she was.

She hadn't intended to yell but, she ended up doing it anyways and she knew that was the wrong tactic to take with it. He was going to shut down and fast but, honestly it felt good to yell.

"Get back to work, Natalie," he said a deadly quiet voice he usually saved for her father or her Uncle Todd.

She took a step closer, and looked him straight in the eye and said in an even tone of her own, "not until we talk about this. Where the hell were you last night?"

He leaned over his desk, placing his hands flat against the top and took a deep breath. "I was here," he said in a softer tone.

"You were here?" She repeated, her tone disbelieving.

"Yeah, I was here," he pointed to the couch in the corner of his office, "right there. What? You don't believe me?" He sounded like he really didn't care if she did or not.

"John…..just tell me what's going on," she said desperately, then whispered, "please."

John sighed and said irritably , "Natalie, please just let this go."

When he turn away to face his desk, when she spoke he barely heard her ask, "are you having an affair?"

John whipped back around, he couldn't help but, laugh at her, "are you out of your mind?"

"I don't know what else to think! My God John, you're never home and when you are you ignore all of us. We haven't had a civil conversation in weeks," Natalie felt the tears well up again, "you don't sit with me, you don't hold me…..you don't sleep in our bed anymore, you don't, you don't even sleep anymore!"

"So this is about sex then?" He asked her, in a falsely surprised, mocking tone.

"What?" she said quickly, confused.

"Well, you said we don't sleep together and before you said I hadn't touched you in weeks so this is about you…not having sex, is that it? Is that what you want…to have sex?" John threw down the papers he was holding onto his desk and moved quickly to the side door of his office and locked it, then quickly walking across the room to the other door. "John," she said almost warningly as he moved to stand in front of her forcing her to back up, the backs of her legs hitting the against the desk.

He leaned over her bracing his hand on the edge of the desk and said in a raspy voice, "cause honey, I can do that all day."

Natalie looked at John in confusion and sadness, "what's happened to you?"

"What? Isn't this what you want?" he said closing the distance between them until their bodies were touching, his tone suddenly turning rough and seductive but, his eyes said that was the last thing he felt. One hand reaching out to wrap around her waist. The other, cupping her cheek gently at first but, roughly burying itself in her hair at the back of her head.

Natalie shook her head no but, couldn't take her eyes off of his as he slowly lowered his mouth to hers whispering, "what? This isn't what you want?" He kissed her hard and fast, she knew her lips would be bruised after.

John pulled her up against his body and kissed her roughly, almost punishingly.

She had thought to fight him but, the moment his lips touched hers, she couldn't pull away. After a moment what started out as rough turned gentle.

He ran a hand up her leg and under the hem of her skirt. He wanted to touch her so badly. She wrapped her arms around his neck burying one hand in his hair. As he slid his hand up higher she seemed to come back to herself.

She pulled her mouth away from his but, he continued down her neck, "John," she gasped out.

"Mm," was all the acknowledgement he gave her, pulling her closer still.

"We need to stop," she said softly but, when he gave no indication he'd heard her she spoke louder, "John...please stop."

He pulled away from her, stunned by what she said. Somewhere in that kiss he forgot he was angry with her. He needed her so badly.

"Stop?" He asked incredulously, he couldn't believe she was putting a stop to what was happening between them. He didn't think she had ever said that before.

"Yes," she said looking up into his face, pleading with her eyes for him to understand, "we need to figure this out. We need to talk about this." Pulling away from him slightly.

John shook his head and said coldly, "just trying to give you what you want."

"What I want," she said, pausing to try to control her growing anger, "is to talk about this and figure out what the damn problem is with you."

He took a deep breath and gave her a gentle shove away from him.

"I don't have a damn problem and there is nothing to talk about, would you….just….get off my back!" He ground out in a yell at her, "and while you are at it, stay the hell away from my brother. You don't go off and talk to him about me, if you have a problem with me, you come to me! You leave him out of this."

She narrowed her eyes at him and lifted her chin, she'd be damned if she would cower under his glare. She was his wife, not someone he could kick around. She deserved more respect than that.

"I have and you won't talk to me…." She started, shaking her head and knowing it was no use, she sighed. "You know what? I'm going home," she said, she let her glare linger as she turned to leave.

When she reached the door he said angrily, "don't you have work to do? I would prefer you stay here and get it done."

She gave a slight humorless chuckle as she turned around and continued to glare at her husband, "there is nothing pressing," she started sarcastically, then finished snidely, "I'm sick. I get sick time, I'm taking it." She shrugged one shoulder and stared at him defiantly.

When he said nothing, she let the door slam so hard on her way out, she thought the glass might shatter but, she never stopped to check.

John sat at his desk, facing the window looking out over the city. He rubbed his face with his hand, his eyelids felt like sand paper and his throat was so dry. He picked up a cup of coffee that was on his desk, he didn't see anything floating in it, he gave it a sniff. It seemed ok, so he took a drink and promptly spit it back into the cup. John was still gagging on it when someone knocked on his door.

"Yeah," he hollered out.

Oliver stuck his head in the door. "Hey John, you got a minute?" he asked.

"Uh..yeah, I guess," he answered absently, looking through the papers on his desk at a loss as to what he was looking for.

"Hey, uhm….I'm worried about Natalie. Are you…ah, going after her or…." Oliver stumbled over his words.

"Going after her?" John asked, looking up at him confused.

"Well, she left here pretty upset. I'm not sure she should be driving," Oliver started, he took a deep breath and decided to just be blunt, "look, you two weren't exactly quiet a few minutes ago and….well, we all know that you have been under a lot of stress lately but, so has she and….she is my friend and….well, I think you owe it to her to go after her and make sure she is alright," Oliver finished quickly and stood his ground crossing his arms over his chest.

He was surprised by the look John was giving him. He expected him to be angry, yell at him but, John just looked confused.

"Where did she go?" John asked.

"She told _you_ she was going home. Didn't you hear her?" Oliver didn't know how he couldn't have, the whole office heard her. He was concerned for John now, he looked pale. Like he might be sick, "John, are you sure _you're_ ok?"

John had froze when Fish had told him that Natalie went home, their fight slowing coming back to him. He was in such a fog, hadn't even realized they'd had one. All the things he said to her, "damn it!" John mumbled, scooping up his keys and phone.

"I'm leaving," John mumbled to Oliver as he passed him on the way out of his office.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9

Natalie was so angry, more at herself then him at the moment. She knew yelling at him wouldn't work. She would have to try again when he got home, if he came home, to talk to him calmly. She walked upstairs to their bedroom, thinking a hot bath would help. She stopped when she saw the door to the attic stairs at the end of the hall.

Not really being sure why, she made her way down to it and went up. She knew John had been spending a lot of time up there. She caught him coming down more times than she could count and heard him moving around up there a few times when she couldn't sleep.

Natalie turned on the light and stepped into the room, nothing looked out of place. There wasn't that much up here. 'What was he doing up here?' she thought. She walked past the rows of stacked boxes to the point in the room that turned. A person couldn't see back here from the stairs.

When she had seen what he had done, her breath caught, she stood stunned. It was like a shrine in the back corner. Photos taped to the walls and spread out on top of boxes along with mementos, newspaper clippings, a few miscellaneous items and a black ring box. She took a step closer, looking at each picture individually. John and Kaitlin's lives were spread out all over this corner of the attic.

Natalie was so confused, she didn't understand why John would do this. Did he still miss her that much, did he wish _she_ was Kaitlin? Did he imagine she was when they made love? Natalie swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. The images blurred when she started to cry. She closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands, she couldn't look at it anymore.

She heard a car door slam, she looked toward the window. Wiping her face and straitening her spine, and swallowing the rest of her tears, she stood right where she was and waited.

John swung the front door open.

"Natalie?" He hollered as he came in. When she was home she would answer back with her location in the house. And even though he knew she was here she didn't answer. He looked through the dining room to the kitchen, she wasn't there or in the living room so he headed upstairs and to their bedroom.

"Natalie?" he hollered again, she wasn't in the bedroom or the bathroom. Walking back out into the hallway, he was wondering where she could have gone. One of the kids rooms? The basement, maybe?

He turned to go back down stairs when he realized the door to the attic was open. 'Damn it', John thought. He didn't know how long he stood there staring at it. Slowly he made his way up the stairs. Coming to the top, John saw Natalie standing at the other end of the room, facing him.

They took each other in. She noticed his mussed hair, his pale face. He stood ridged like he was waiting for her to snap. He could tell she'd been crying even though she wasn't now, her arms crossed over her chest, and her eyes. He loved her blue eyes, they were so expressive. They sparkled when she was laughing with the kids, or joking around, they turned dark and smoldered when they made love. Right now though, they were dead and emotionless. And that sent shivers down his spine.

"Natalie, sweetheart-" he started. She lifted her hand out in front of her and motioned for him to stop.

He did and waited for her to speak. All she could think was she had to get out of that room. She started to walked pass him but, he reached a hand out and grabbed her arm as she passed whispering her name. She spun around and jerked her arm out of his grip. She was seething with anger.

"Don't touch me," she hissed and glared at him.

"We need to talk about his, there's something you don't understand," John said desperately, willing her to listen to him.

"Now you want to talk?" she scoffed, "I have to go pick up my children," she said in a low angry tone, glaring at him.

"Natalie-"

"And I suggest the _two_ of you find somewhere else to sleep tonight. And you _better_ make damn sure you take her with you because if she is still here when I get back, I'll set the whole thing on fire," she ground out. Natalie turned stomped down the stairs .

"Natalie...wait!" John said running after her. He caught up with her at the bottom of the attic stairs.

"No, I don't want to do this now," she said not slowing down.

"We promised each other we wouldn't do that again and-" Natalie stopped and whipped herself around cutting him off.

"We promised each other a lot of things!" She screamed at him, "But apparently none of that matters anymore." She whirled back around and continued to the stairs to the main level of their home.

"Hey," he said harshly following her down, "HEY!" He yelled, reaching the bottom of the stairs, grabbing her upper arm and spinning her around, "you don't understand," he said.

"I understand enough," she said trying to wrench herself out of his grasp. He reached out and grabbed her other arm, holding her facing him with both hands.

"Listen to me," he hissed through his teeth.

"I don't want to hear anything right now," she dug her nails into his arms but, through his jacket he barley felt it.

She was struggling to free herself from his grasp, so when he finally let go she stumbled backwards a few steps but caught herself before she fell.

"Damn it!" He growled at her. This was exactly what he was afraid of. There was no way she would ever understand.

He chose his words carefully, he knew what he was saying. "This has been a...huge….mistake," he mumbled turning away from her, running a hand through his hair and placing both hands on his hips. He wasn't prepared to do this now. He'd hoped he would have a better handle on his emotions before he did this to her.

"A mistake," she repeated lowly, "what exactly do you see as a mistake? Our marriage? Our children? Our lives? Huh? What exactly is the mistake here? Trusting you?"

John whipped around, knowing what he was about to say would hurt her so much, he looked up over her head before looking back into her face. John knew he had to do it now. He might as well start if he was going to see this through, he clenched his jaw and struck where he knew would hurt the most, "trusting me? That's rich coming from you." He shook his head and scoffed. This was going to rip his heart out. He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. He walked passed her toward the couch. He didn't think he could go through with it.

"What?" She whispered. Natalie stepped back as though she'd been slapped.

John took a deep breath and exhaled, "nothing. I-I didn't mean it. I was just lashing out," John said quietly, rubbing a hand over his eyes to hide the tears surfacing there. "Fuck Natalie, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that." He shook his head and sat down, he couldn't even look at her. He didn't know how he was going to be able to do this. He felt so ashamed. He had to quit waffling, going back and forth between emotions was going to tear them both apart.

"But, you must really feel that way or..." Natalie swiped at the tears that were running down her face, she hadn't even realized she was crying, "you wouldn't have said it."

"Shit!" John said, his head in his hands. This was spinning out of control, he thought maybe he should let it. He was flying blind here. When he was with the FBI, he could think quicker on his feet. Natalie and the kids were going to be safer without him. And Natalie needed to believe he was leaving otherwise this wouldn't work. Before he could think it through the words were flying out of his mouth.

John stood up abruptly, "you know what? I am not cut out for this. This was never what I wanted," John crossed the room to look out the window, careful to keep his back to her, if he had to look into her eyes or see her face he wouldn't be able to do this.

"What are you talking about?" Natalie asked confused, quiet voice, she wasn't sure if she was following him.

"This-this life here, a father and a husband. I didn't want any of this but, I got stuck in this damn, god forsaken town and now…...I was a special agent with the FBI, with the FBI! I traveled the world. I caught some of the world's most horrific criminals. And look at me now...working for the local pd," John closed his eyes and swallowed hard. His gut was churning. He didn't know if she would ever understand or ever be able to forgive him after this but, he'd rather have her hate him than for her to be dead. It was better she hate him, it was better this way. "Tied down in this podunk town, there's nowhere to go from here."

"John-" Natalie whispered.

"I tried…you know, I did, for you. I tried to do this but, the bottom line is, this is just not for me. You would have been better off with Jared or Christian, those guys wanted this life," John said as he closed his eyes.

"You cannot be serious," Natalie whispered harshly. She couldn't breathe, she stood there staring at his back wondering if she was going throw up.

He huffed, "oh sweetheart, you have no idea," he whispered back, his heart breaking, tears stinging his eyes.

"John..." Natalie started in disbelief, her heart had shattered. She didn't know what she wanted to say to him.

"Go get your kids Natalie," he said in a stronger voice than he felt, "When you get back, I'll be gone just like you asked."

Natalie couldn't believe what she was hearing, none of this made any sense. Her heart was breaking. She felt like it might actually snap in two. "And what _exactly_ am I to tell your children when they ask for you?" She asked him, hissing through her teeth. He stood staring out into the back yard. At the swing-set they bought and put together, remembering how it took forever and they laughed the whole time but, with Michael's help they got it done.

_"__Oh my gosh….John, I don't think this is right," Natalie said trying to hold her laughter in._

_"__No, this has to be right, I'm following the directions," he said as he tried to stand the swing set up onto its legs. Both watching as it toppled over. Natalie tried not to laugh but, she failed, the legs were clearly on backwards._

_"__Maybe-Maybe we should call Michael, he put Gabe and Dillion's set together.__Maybe he can remember how it went," she snickered._

_"__No, I can do this. I am a man. I can do this, I certainly don't need my brother coming over here to help," John was confused, he'd followed the pictures, how should this have happened.__He picked the directions back up looking them over. He felt Natalie come up behind him, she snatched the directions out of his hands._

_"__John! These aren't even in English!" she roared with laughter, causing him to laugh with her. Her laughter was contagious. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, kissing her lightly on the nose, "ok, call my brother.__Let's see if he can put that fancy college education to use."_

_"__I don't think they give degrees in 'toy assembly'," Natalie laughed again. _

_"__No?" He asked jokingly._

_"__No," she responded, both of them laughing at the situation._

Liam's bike was out there where his son left it. Toys littered the back yard but, he never cared. It looked lived in. Like a happy home.

"John? You have three children. Are you just going to abandon them? What exactly do you want me to tell them?" Natalie said more firmly than before.

Without saying a word he turned and went upstairs, leaving Natalie standing in the living room alone. She stood there for a moment, taking in what had happened. Should she follow him upstairs? He said he was stuck here, did he really feel that way all this time? Natalie wasn't sure how long she stood there in disbelief, unsure of what to do. She turned, grabbed her bag and keys and left the house. She couldn't be there anymore. She couldn't see him leave her. But, she knew she also couldn't go pick her kids up in this state.

John bowed his head, running a hand through his hair. He watched out the window as she left, then went over to the corner of the room and started plucking the photos off the wall. He had started putting them up in chronological order so see if anything stood out to him. Nothing did. He had no more idea now where she was than he did before. Natalie thought he was up here pining for Kaitlin, when really all he was doing was looking for clues. But, with her finding this and the way he'd been treating her and the kids, it was going to be too hard to convince her of that.

Victor said he could get him into the Securities System organization. Victor would be leaving soon and told John if he was coming with, he needed to decide quickly. Taking the box to their bedroom, he stopped to take the room in. Their wedding portrait hung above the fireplace, she was so beautiful that day. He walked to the mantel and snatched the photo that sat there. It was taken by Gigi, he'd just told her something and she had her head thrown back in laughter. He stuffed the picture in the box and set the box on the bed while, he grabbed a duffle bag from the hall closet. He'd only take what he needed. He traveled with less when he was a younger man. Hopefully, he hadn't gotten too soft in his old age and from the lifestyle he'd lived the last few years.

He stopped next to the bed and touched her pillow. He knew he'd broken her heart again. This time, he did it on purpose. Lifting the pillow he put it to his face and took a deep breath, filling his nose with her scent. He would have to try to remember how she smelt, how she felt, how soft her skin was. John turned quickly and left the room before he lost his nerve. Stopping in the hallway, he entered each one of his children's rooms and did the same thing. Trying to hold on to the memory of them all.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, he looked around the living room of the home they'd live in for 3 years. Tears stinging his eyes he memorized the room. Taking a deep breath, he started for the door, stopping short in front of the bookcase next to the stairs. He grabbed a small photo of the three kids that sat there and swiftly walked out of his home. He got into his truck and drove away without looking back.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10

Mommy!" Liam yelled from the other room.

"Yeah buddy, can you come in here," Natalie called from the kitchen. They had just gotten home for the day and it was time to start dinner. Usually John would help keep them occupied with something while Natalie got dinner going or he would offer to pick something up. She should have just gotten a pizza or something, she was so tired tonight. 'Kids can't live on pizza, Natalie,' she thought to herself.

"Mom," Liam repeated coming into the room.

"Yes Liam, what is it?" Natalie asked hoping she had enough lettuce to make a salad for them.

"Where's Daddy?" Liam asked in an irritated voice, causing Natalie to turn around in surprise.

"He's working," Natalie said firmly, looking directly at him. Hoping he would let it go like he'd done the other times he'd asked this week.

"No he's not, where's Daddy?" Liam demanded again in a defiant tone.

"Your father is working Liam and I don't appreciate the way you're talking to me. What do you need?" Natalie said trying to be patient. She knew John's absence was taking its toll on her children as well as herself.

"No he isn't working. I wish you'd stop lying to me, I'm not TWO," Liam yelled at her and turned on his heel and left the room. Natalie could hear him stomping upstairs then slamming his bedroom door. She considered going after him and punishing him for yelling at her but, she could hardly blame him for being angry. She sighed and sat down.

John was working, at least he was at the station when she left. That much wasn't a lie but, he hadn't come home in week. She took a deep breath, stood up and finished making dinner. She would talk to him later when it was time for bed. Maybe after he ate he would feel better. Natalie felt the sting of tears behind her eyes. Dinner wouldn't make her feel better, why would she think it would help her son.

A week later Natalie was bracing herself. She hated walking into his office. Lately, she just walked in dropped whatever on his desk and walked out without saying a word. And he normally doesn't even look up or acknowledge her when she comes in. Opening the door she was shocked at the sight that greeted her.

"Hi, Uncle Bo," she said hesitantly.

"Hi honey," he looked up and smiled at her, "how are you doing?" He asked coming around John's desk to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Uhm, ok. Where's John?" She asked him. She had a feeling in her gut she wasn't going to like the answer.

'Damn it', Bo thought. John was a good friend but, lately he'd just as soon kill him as look at him. And once again, John left it to him to deliver bad news to his niece. Bo took a deep breath and said, "sit down honey."

"No, I don't need to sit down. Where the hell is John?" Natalie demanded.

"Quantico," Bo answered quickly.

"Virginia," Natalie stated angrily.

"Yes," Bo answered her non question.

"Where the FBI academy is? That Quantico?" Natalie was furious.

"Yes honey, I thought he had told you. I told him to talk to you before he left but, I guess he….didn't," Bo was devastated for his niece. Natalie sat down slowly. He was truly gone. He'd left her and he'd left town.

"He's not coming back," Natalie said, it wasn't a question.

"Well, now I don't know about that. He left it open ended," Bo said. He knew most of the truth. John left her because he felt he didn't have a choice. He had a case he was working on and he didn't want Natalie or the kids around it. He told John he didn't agree with what he was doing but, if it were to keep Natalie and the kids safe, he would keep John's secret – for now. He made no long term promises.

"No, he made it pretty clear that he didn't want to be in Llanview any longer," Natalie swallowed the tears that were threatening to fall, "I just didn't think he would leave the kids behind."

"Listen honey, I think that John just needs a little time-" Bo started.

"A little time!" Natalie scoffed, instantly angry. All hints of sadness gone, "what are you talking about? We have three children that are so...confused. Devastated. Liam is so angry all the time and Alana, she is so clingy and she doesn't sleep. Sean, he's too young to know what is going on but, he can feel it, he's so unusually fussy. I don't know if I'm coming or going...he needs some time, what does that even mean? No, no...he's a selfish bastard. That's what this is. Selfish," Natalie spat out the word and ran her hands over her face.

"I'm ah...going to be watching over things here for a while," Bo told her, "why don't you take the rest of the day and try to relax a little before you have to pick up the kids, huh? Try to get some rest."

"I don't need to rest, I need to keep busy," Natalie said trying to control her anger, "this is the report on the robbery that John was working on. I got a match on the print. It should be enough for a warrant," Natalie handed the folder to her uncle, "I'm going back to the lab if you need me." She turned and left the room.

Natalie laid in bed, wide awake as she had every night since he'd left. John had been gone for a few weeks now. She'd had to learn to sleep without him before so she knew that she could do it again, she just didn't want to.

She'd adapted to functioning on very little sleep these days. As she laid there she found herself again wishing he'd never left, wishing he'd come home, wishing he'd call and hoping he didn't. She'd stopped crying every night but, she still couldn't sleep. She heard a noise from the doorway and sat up quickly, turning on the light. There stood her daughter looking as lost as Natalie felt.

"Can't sleep?" Natalie asked her, receiving only a nod in return. She knew that Laney could hear and understand every word that was said to her, yet she rarely spoke. Like John, Laney didn't feel the need to talk if there was nothing to say.

She was so quiet John and Natalie had been worried at first but, after having her tested the doctor concluded that she was fine. And as long as she could get her point across by the nod or shake of her head, she would. When Laney did speak her voice was like a soft whisper. Her laughter was joyful and boisterous, so Natalie knew she had the potential inside her to be as loud as her brothers if she ever needed to someday.

Natalie held out her hand, "well, come here then." Laney paddled across the room in her pink pajamas, her red curls bouncing as she moved. Natalie leaned over the bed to help her climb up. She held her little girl tightly in her arms for a moment before releasing her.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Natalie asked her, even though she knew.

"Daddy," Laney whispered. She looked up at Natalie with her father's blue eyes. Natalie's heart hurt.

"Yeah, Daddy...would you like to sleep with me tonight? On Daddy's pillow?" Natalie hoped Laney would feel secure enough to get some sleep on John's side of the bed. Laney nodded vigorously.

"Ok then, let's get you tucked in with me," Natalie said with a smile and with a brightness she didn't feel, pulling down the covers on his side of the bed. Once Laney was settled, Natalie turned off the light and snuggled in close to her daughter hoping that the closeness would help them both.

Waking in the morning, Natalie found both her and Laney sharing John's pillow and realizing that they had both slept through the night.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11

Natalie poured herself another glass then offered the bottle to Destiny.

"You know, I thought to myself the other day...I thought...I have a whole new respect for you and my sister. Raising your kids by yourself. No help from their fathers. I don't know how you do it," she said as she downed the glass.

"It's not easy but, you have three kids. I only have one. AND John has always been in their lives and helped out. Mathew..." Destiny scoffed, "he's around when it suites him. When he feels like playing daddy or when he wants to ingraci...ingrashi...make himself looked good in front of his parents," she hiccupped, "excuse me." Destiny giggled.

Natalie nodded her head absently and said wistfully, "yeah, he's always helped me. Done more than his share really. He'd let me sleep in, take feedings...God it turned me on. He's so sexy when he's giving a baby a bottle, in the middle of the night, his shirt off, his tattoos-" Natalie let her voice trail off as she took another drink from her glass.

"Yeah ok, I get the picture," Destiny interrupted, giggling at the faraway look in her friends eyes.

"Sorry," Natalie said sheepishly and sighed, "I just miss him."

"I know but, I don't need those images of my bosses going to town on one another...it's not fair," Destiny said picking up the bottle and pouring more wine for them both.

"What about you," Natalie asked her with a smirk on her face, "is there anyone you're eyeing these days? "

"Oh, no. No I am in complete 'mommy mode'. I don't see that changing any time soon," Destiny answered.

"More wine?" Natalie asked her then poured more at her nod, "we are not in 'mommy mode' tonight. No, tonight we are two adult women doing whatever we please," Natalie said with confidence. Both were quiet for a moment.

"What do you want to do?" Natalie asked with much of the confidence out of her tone.

"I don't know. What can we do? We have to get up in the morning and go to work and be mommies," Destiny answered in a disappointed tone, "I'm already going to have a pounding headache."

"Well..."Natalie thought for a moment, "I know first..'poof'...you have tomorrow off," she said pretending to wave a magic wand.

"Really?" Destiny said smiling, "ok...what about you?"

"Mmmm...who cares, I'm not going in either. What's he going to do? He's not even there, right? Fire me long distance, huh? Fire the wife he left with his three children? Let him," Natalie paused, "I don't think I can stand to see him there now anyways." She finished quietly, then mumble, "Uncle Bo won't fire me." Destiny patted her hand then sloppily finished her glass.

"He was sleeping there you know," Natalie told her, "He tried to hide it but, I could tell when I went into his office."

"Natalie, I thought we weren't going to talk about John anymore?" Destiny said.

"I just can't believe he's left...or I kicked him out, I'm a little fuzzy on how this happened exactly, either way, he left town," Natalie looked down at her wedding rings. There were three total. One was his mother's engagement ring, then there was a channel set diamond eternity wedding band and last was a ring John had made for her. It matched her wedding band but, the stones were the birth stones of all three kids and one for both him and her.

"We need to do something daring," Destiny said out of the blue.

"What?" Natalie looked up at her in confusion.

"We need to do something we are afraid of and overcome our fears," Destiny said matter of factly.

"Like...what?" Natalie asked.

"Well", Destiny paused, "I want a tattoo," she answered with a nod as if it were decided.

"A tattoo? Why do you want a tattoo?" Natalie asked again, her head spinning just a little at the change of direction in their conversation.

"Yeah, I've wanted one since I was sixteen," Destiny told her, her slurring becoming more pronounced.

"Then why don't you have one?" Natalie asked, giggling and filling her glass again.

"Because my parents would kill me and mostly because I'm afraid needles...and pain," Destiny explained.

"You've had a baby, how much more pain could it be?" Natalie said draining her glass. "Ok, ok I get the needles and the pain but, aren't you a little past caring what your parents would think?"

Reaching for the bottle and finding it empty she stood up and walked into the kitchen to get another.

"You're never past that," Destiny mumbled, " and I know but, labor is kinda different then having a needle sticking you a bazillion times," Destiny said when Natalie returned with another open bottle.

"Alright fine so, what do you want?" Natalie asked filling her glass yet again.

"Well for years I wanted a rose but, after Drew was born I changed my mind," Destiny said absently, she'd picked up her phone to search for a picture, then handing the phone to Natalie to see.

"Oh, a butterfly. I like it," Natalie said.

"They symbolize new beginnings," Destiny told her while picking up the bottle and filling their glasses.

"Where do you want it?" Natalie asked, handing Destiny her phone back.

"Tramp stamp of course," Destiny said causing them both to giggle.

"I've always wanted one since I was a teenager, too but, I don't know, I just never got one. If I did it would have to do with the kids. To represent them in some way," Natalie said running it over in her mind.

"What comes in threes….."Destiny mumbled tapping her finger on her chin.

"Four," Natalie said sadly and drained her glass again.

"Four?" Destiny looked at her in surprise.

Natalie fill their glasses again and sat back in her chair. "Yeah," she answered, "it was a long time ago."

"What happened?" Destiny asked, filling her glass with more wine.

"Oh well, life I guess," Natalie took a large drink before she continued, "well, you know about John's accident?" At Destiny's nod she continued, "well you know that we had been dating then and a few months after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. I had been…hoping that eventually we would get back together you know. I thought that maybe we both just needed some time and that we would find our way back to each other. That he still loved me," Natalie paused to take another drink. "When I found out I was pregnant I really thought it was a sign that we were meant to be and all of that, you know. That someone somewhere thought so too." Natalie sighed and fell quiet.

"So…what happened?," Destiny asked again softly.

"Ah, well…..it took a few days but, I finally worked up the nerve and I went to the station to tell John and when I got there…..Marty Saybrooke was in his office. All over him and he…..didn't seem to mind. So….I lost my nerve and I went home. That night I started cramping and bleeding. I got myself to the hospital but, by the time I got there…..it was too late," Natalie drained her glass, trying to hide the tears that had sprung up in her eyes.

"You went through that alone?" Destiny asked saddened that her friend would have to go through that.

"No actually, that is the interesting part. Michael was there. He was the doctor in the emergency room that night. He sat with me while I was going…..through….all of that. He was really amazing, he held my hand and cried with me. He was mad at me for a while cause I asked him to not tell John but, after I explained, like a hundred times my reasons…..he agreed it was for the best," Natalie poured them both more to drink. "Neither of us were ready back then, you know. It would have been a disaster. He would have felt responsible for us and stuck with us. Funny how years later he admits to feeling that way anyways, isn't it?" She said thoughtfully, Natalie looked at her friend.

"Ironic," Destiny mumbled and gave Natalie a sad comforting look back, "so….you never told him?"

"Oh yeah, he knows now," Natalie sighed. She wiped a few stray tears off her face, remembering the conversation, "after Laney was born we had this 'no more secrets-no more lies' come to Jesus moment you know. For as much good as that obviously did for us, I told him then. He was mad for a while….well disappointed in me, I guess is a better word, for not telling him but, we talked about it. For a long time. It wasn't an easy conversation but he forgave me. It brought us closer…..or so I had thought." Natalie chuckled but, there was no humor in it then finished her glass yet again.

"He blamed himself as he always tends to do. If only he'd been there and all of that. Michael explained that it would have happened whether John was there or not. Sometimes…. Sometimes it's just not meant to be," Natalie finished sadly.

"I'm sorry Natalie," Destiny said sadly.

"I'm ok. Anyways…..John...got a new tattoo," Natalie said changing the subject and trying to brighten her voice, "right after Sean was born. The kids' birth dates, in this antique-y looking script. Wrapped around his bicep under another one he had there," Natalie pointed to her own as if to show Destiny the tattoo John had. Then filled their glasses up, "it's so sexy. I love touching it, and kissing-" Natalie smirked at her, trying to lighten the mood once again and get off the subject of their baby.

"Natalie!" Destiny couldn't control her laughter.

"I'm sorry!" Natalie tried to be serious but, found herself laughing along, "we happen to have…..had a very healthy sex life. We do…did it all the time and...he's been gone for a month!" Natalie said correcting herself and laughing along the way, then rubbed her face in frustration.

Destiny burst out in laughter.

"I'm serious. The only time we've gone without for any length of time was after the kids were born. He planned his damn vasectomy around my recovering from having Sean so we wouldn't have to wait anymore than necessary, " she said. The wine had certainly loosened her up, she realized. "I probably shouldn't have told you that," Natalie said thinking if she should have been embarrassed but she wasn't . She was sure it was thanks to all the wine they had consumed.

"No it's fine honestly," Destiny tuned serious, "I hope I have that someday."

Natalie could have kicked herself for not thinking of her friends feelings, "You will. You'll meet the perfect guy and he will sweep you off your feet," Natalie told her.

"Like John swept you off of yours?" Destiny gave her a pointed look that included a raised eyebrow.

"Well, let's hope not exactly like that," Natalie said and both women got lost in a fit of laughter again.

"I think I'm drunk," Natalie said, her head was spinning a little.

After a moment, Destiny stood up, "call a cab." She told Natalie.

"What?" Natalie asked, again confused by the swinging direction of the conversation.

"Call a cab, we're going out...and neither of us is fit to drive. And it would suck to get pulled over by your husband," Destiny said, picking up her glass and finishing it off.

"He's gone remember," Natalie mumbled, looking up at Destiny confused.

"Oh!" Destiny hissed, "yeah right."

She giggled and turned to Natalie who hadn't moved and handed her her own glass to down. Natalie shrugged and finished off her wine, picking up yet another empty bottle she stumbled gracefully into the kitchen to deposit the bottle and her glass. Returning the living room she found that Destiny had already called and a cab was on the way.

"But, don't I need to change?" Natalie looked down at herself.

"Nope, for where we are going jeans and a t-shirt are just fine," Destiny told her, then asked, "how do you make wearing just jeans and a t-shirt look so good?"

"Shut up!" Natalie said laughing as the cab pulled into the driveway and honked.

"Let's go," Destiny said grabbing both of their purses and running out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 12

A few weeks later, Natalie sat down on the couch exhausted. She knew as soon as she went to bed she would have three kids in there with her. She'd just settled back when there was a knock on the door. Heaving a exaggerated sigh, she got up to answer it. She was surprised to see her brother-in-law on the other side.

"Hey Michael, what are you doing here so late?" Natalie asked after opening the door.

"Oh well, I...uh, just stopped by to check on you guys," Michael answered, "see how you're doing."

"How we're doing?" Natalie asked suspiciously, she looked at him hard for a moment, then with a sweeping gesture indicated he could come in.

"Yeah, well you know. Uhm...I just wanted you to know that I uh...I called the Parker boy down the street about clearing the sidewalk and drive way for you. They are calling for bad weather next week," Michael said nervously.

"Why would you do that?" Natalie asked, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly.

He knew this wasn't going to go over well. "Well, you know, just to help you out and...stuff," Michael stumbled around reluctantly.

"What are you talking about? I don't need any help, I have it under control," Natalie said moving passed him into the room.

"Yeah, I know but-" Michael started, following her into the room.

"But, what Michael?" Natalie demanded, turning to face him.

Michael sighed, "John would want me to." Michael had the sense to duck his head.

"John would want you to?" Natalie repeated sarcastically, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Ok look, John asked me to alright?" Michael said, not being able to look her in the eye.

"John asked you to?" Natalie asked angrily, cocking her head to the side.

"Well, yeah," Michael fidgeted.

"Why? What the hell does John care? I don't want or need his help or concern. He walked out on this. He can go to hell," Natalie was furious. How dare he?

"Natalie, look John was just trying to-" Michael tried again.

"I don't care. He walked out. He doesn't have any right to stick his nose into what goes on in my home now. You can tell him that," Natalie walked to the window that faced the back yard.

"You know, Nat...I don't...believe that John would leave you really, without a really good reason," Michael said cautiously. He wasn't a good liar and Natalie was really good about asking the right questions.

"He was bored Michael," Natalie tried to keep the tears from falling but, Michael could hear them in her voice.

"He loves you Natalie, all he's ever wanted was for you to be safe. He just always goes about it in the wrong way," Michael said. He'd grown to really love Natalie as a sister and hated that she was hurting because his brother was an ass.

Natalie turned her suspicious eyes to her brother-in-law. "What are you trying to say, Michael?" Natalie demanded.

"I just think that maybe, you know just maybe...he was still trying to do that," Michael told her.

Natalie was surprised by Michael's thoughts. After running them over in her head for a moment, she shook her head, "no, absolutely not. He would have told me if there was something I needed to know. We agreed. No more secrets. I'm not some kid anymore, we were partners, equals. He would have been honest with me. So don't go blowing this crap in my face about how much he cares about us and loves us. Someone that loves you doesn't walk out without a backward glance," Natalie turned and crossed the room.

"I'm just saying, you know that John doesn't always go about things in the right way sometimes. Who knows what he's doing-"

"Michael, we were partners in this. John respected me, he wouldn't have lied to me about something like that. No," She told him.

"So...you'd rather believe that John just wasn't interested in being a husband and father but, he had the integrity to not lie to you than to think that maybe, just maybe John is out there trying to protect you from something," Michael realized he'd said too much this time.

Natalie narrowed her eyes at her brother-in-law. "What do you know Michael?" She asked him, "if you know something you need to tell me. Right now."

"I didn't say I knew anything, I'm just trying to tell you how I see it," Michael said. He really hoped she could forgive him when John finally turned back up.

"He's missed Laney's birthday and Thanksgiving. I don't care where he is or what he is doing at this point. And I don't want or need any of his help," Natalie crossed the living room to the front door and flung it open, "you tell him all that too Michael." Natalie stood next to the open front door with her arms crossed over her chest, obviously waiting for him to leave.

Michael stopped next to her on the way out the door. "We love you too Natalie, and your still family….we just wanted to help. You don't always have to do everything on your own you know. You don't always have to be so tough," he said regretfully, then quickly left.

Natalie slammed the door angrily behind him. Not at all mad at Michael. She was furious with John and he wasn't here to take it out on. She'd be damned if she would cry one more tear over him and what he did to their family.

John knew what he was doing wasn't right but, it felt really good to be doing this kind of work again. He'd been following Victor Lord around for close to two months now and the jackass hasn't gotten him anywhere close to where Kaitlin was. Victor kept saying soon but, soon never came. So far they hadn't been involved in anything illegal but, John was sure it was bound to come to that. This 'company' or 'agency' or whatever they touted themselves as walked a very thin line. So far it had just been helping move some foreign double agents in and out of the country, providing them with the proper documents they needed to enter the country they were headed to.

He'd missed so much with his family, he physically ached for them. Maybe this was a mistake he thought. Maybe Victor is playing him and never really has any intention on helping him find Kaitlin. Wouldn't be the first time his instincts were wrong.

He saw their faces when he closed his eyes. He could hear their voices and their laughter. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He'd missed Halloween, Laney's birthday and Thanksgiving. At this pace he was going to miss Christmas too.

He couldn't think about them anymore right now, he had a job to do and then he had to meet up with Victor to see what information he had for him today.

Natalie answered her phone quickly seeing it was the preschool that Liam attended.

"He did what?" She asked the director to repeat herself. Hearing it again didn't change the story, "I'll be right there." Natalie said as she hung up the phone. It wasn't like Liam to fight at school.

She left the lab and headed to John's off- no her uncle's office. John was gone. Back to the FBI apparently. Without a word to her, after everything they've been through and he just left town. Left his wife and his children and disappeared. Natalie would never understand and she doubted she would ever forgive him.

The door to the office was wide open. Natalie gave a knock on it anyways just to announce herself.

"Hey Uncle Bo," Natalie said walking into the room.

"Hi sweetheart, how are you?" He asked her, coming around the desk to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, not so good. The school just called and Liam got into a fight today and I need to go pick him up," she said quickly.

"Is he hurt?" Her uncle asked.

"No...no apparently he's ok but, they have zero tolerance and all that so...he has to go home for the day," she answered apologetically.

"Well, that's not like him. You said he's been angry a lot since John left, has he been acting out at school too?" He looked concerned.

"Yeah, you know a little bit," she said with a smile that she guess probably looked more like a grimace. 'A little bit' was definitely an over exaggeration. "He's just...angry at me I guess or maybe at John but, he's taking it out on me as I am the only parent at home," she chuckled a little bit trying to act like it was fine but, in truth it hurt so much.

"Well he's had a lot to deal with lately. You take the day if you need it sweetheart. In fact you take any days and as many days as you want," Bo told her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"This is why you are my favorite uncle," Natalie laughed and he gave her a hug that she so needed. "thanks." She told him as she left for the day to pick up her son.

Heading to her SUV in the lot, Natalie tried to mentally rehearse what she was going to say to Liam when she got him into the car. Trying to channel her mother. Viki Buchanan always knew what to say for every occasion. Natalie hoped she could help her son through this as she was having trouble getting through it herself.

Natalie pulled out into traffic, setting her phone down in the seat next to her. John had gotten the hands free thing on the SUV when they bought it saying if she HAD to talk on the phone in the car this was safer. The roads weren't too bad for a Pennsylvania winter. Patchy ice here and there but, not too bad.

She had only been in the car a few minutes when Michael called to check in and she told him about Liam's fight.

"So, now I have to go pick him up from school because, he can't be there for the rest of the day. And I am really hoping they let him come back tomorrow. With the way he's been acting lately, I'm not sure what they'll say," she told him. She sure hoped they would let him come back. He would have to straighten up first and stop the fighting and picking on other kids.

"Well, Liam's a good kid, he's just….lost right now. They should understand that. They're a school for crying out loud, they should be able to help," he told her, concerned for his nephew.

"Yeah, I know," she said coming to a stop at a red light, "I need to find us all some help I guess." She was so tired. They all were, maybe someone they could all talk to would help.

"We are here for you, you know. Anything you need," Michael said. She could hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Thanks, Mike. Despite how I've acted the last few weeks, I really appreciate all that you've done," Natalie said as the light turned green, she immediately took off through the intersection, "look, I'm almost there-"

Michael heard her get cut off, then he heard her scream and the crunch of metal. Panicking he tried to get her back on the phone.

"Natalie! NATALIE! Are you there? What happened? Natalie answer me!" Michael realized the line was dead. She had said she was almost there, the preschool Liam and Dillon went to was just a few blocks away from the house. Michael grabbed his keys and dialed 911 as he rushed out of the house and into his own vehicle. Trying to speed carefully, he found the accident at the intersection right before the school.

He could hear the siren's, they were close. Michael ran to her SUV, it was tipped to the side and pinned between the truck that hit her and a concrete partition. It looked bad. He ran to her vehicle frantically calling her name.

Michael back out of the way while the EMT's tried to assess the situation. He knew one of the EMT's pretty well from the hospital, and when Michael asked what he thought the EMT told him it was pretty bad and that they were actually going to have to wait on fire and rescue to cut Natalie from the SUV. Natalie was unconscious but, other than that they couldn't tell him anything else. He'd just have to wait.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 13

John finally arrived at the address that Victor had sent him. It was a warehouse in Lancaster. He followed Victor's instructions on how to slowly find his way inside, and found Victor waiting for him inside.

"What is with the cryptic message Lord?" John demanded," and where the hell are we?"

"Keep your voice down McBain. I'd hate for this to be over before it begins," Victor snidely, "especially since I am going out of my way for you. This could get me in a lot of trouble you know."

"I might be grateful, if I knew what we were doing," John told him, sounding more like he really didn't care.

"We're going into this room at the end of the hall for now," Victor indicated a door and John followed him through it.

"Ok, now what?" John asked as soon as the door was closed behind him.

"Well, in about 5 minutes, the Fitzgerald's are going to be in the room next door. All three of them. That was what you wanted right, to see one of the daughters? Well, here's your chance. Your welcome." Victor took a seat in one of the two chairs in the room.

"Are you sure?" John asked. John's hear pounded, he could hear a rushing in his ears. He thought there was a good chance he might be sick. Was Kaitlin really going to be on the other side of the door?

"Positive," Victor responded, "they're leaving the country, this might be your only chance for a long time to see them. From what I understand, they won't be back anytime soon. I'm sure you'll be welcome to join us if you want to." At that moment, the men heard movement in the hall.

Several sets of footsteps, then a door closing. He could hear voices but, between two doors, he couldn't make out anything that was being said.

Victor looked at his watch, "ok, you're up. You've gotta go now," Victor stood up and moved to the door.

John's phone started to vibrate in his pocket, he pulled it out. "It's my brother-"

"You don't have time for a family reunion, you have to move now," Victor hissed.

The churning in John's gut told him something was wrong, "hold on," he told Victor, "McBain," he answered.

"John, thank God," Michael said breathlessly.

"Michael, I can't talk right now," John told him.

"No John you've gotta listen to me-"

"I can't right now, I'm in the middle of something here and-"

"There's been an accident, John. It's Natalie. It's bad man," Michael said, trying not to scare his brother.

"An accident?" John repeated. His heart stopped.

"Yeah, it's...it's pretty bad John," Michael said again.

John swallowed the lump in his throat, he couldn't seem to catch a breath, "how bad?" He asked.

"Truck ran a red light, hit some ice and plowed into the SUV. We're in the emergency room, they won't let me in since I'm family but, John, I am telling you, this is bad. They had to cut her out of the vehicle," Michael said.

"The kids?" John asked swallowing thickly, Michael could hear the emotion in his voice.

"They weren't with her, they're fine," Michael answered.

"McBain, we gotta go. Now!" Victor said from the door.

"I gotta go Michael-"

"JOHN!-"

"Take care of her Michael. Please," John hung up the phone. He took a deep breath and swallowed the tears that had welled up in his eyes.

"Let's go," he growled at Victor, walking out of the room not caring if Victor followed or not.

"Michael?" Marcy said as she stood behind him. Michael was stunned. He wasn't coming, he really wasn't coming. "He's...he's busy," Michael said quietly so that Viki couldn't hear him.

"He's what?" Marcy whispered, not believing what she heard.

"He asked me to take care of her," Michael told his wife, "he's not coming."

"Oh my God," Marcy shook her head. She started to speak again but, the doctor that had been assigned to Natalie suddenly appeared.

"Hey, Marcus, how is she," he asked his colleague.

"Well, Natalie has a lot of severe cuts and bruises, a sprained wrist. But, she also sustained a pretty substantial head injury. This is what has us most concerned at the moment. We are running some tests now and I'll let you know what we find out," the doctor said before he left.

"Thank you doctor," Viki said quietly, and watched the doctor leave, then turned quickly to Michael, "so what isn't he saying?"

Michael looked at her and knew nothing but the truth would satisfy her. "Natalie needs to wake up. The longer she is unconscious, the more serious her injury could be and the longer it will take her to recover," Michael told her, leaving out the fact that there was a possibility that Natalie might never wake up, "head injuries are...tricky."

"Oh dear," Viki was visibly upset, Michael helped her to the nearest chair.

Marcy took the seat next to her and held her hand, "I called Roxy and Jessica," she said to Viki, looking to her husband, "I called your mom too, they are all on their way. What are we going to do about the kids?" Marcy asked, "I would be happy to take them to our house," Marcy offered.

"Mom will help," Michael added.

"I would like them to stay at Llanfair but, I would love it if your mom would stay with us, there is plenty of room. And of course you are both welcome anytime," she added.

The group was silent for a moment. "What about John?" Viki asked.

"I called him," was all Michael offered but, didn't say anymore, "listen why don't you both go back to Llanfair and look after the kids, they are going to have a hard time with Natalie not being around. I'll stay here with her and I promise to call you with any news," Michael offered giving his wife a pointed look.

"That's a good idea. I'll call your mom and have her meet us there," Marcy offered, she knew Michael wouldn't want her to say anything about his conversation with John.

"Those children have been through so much," Viki said thoughtfully.

"They have and right now they need to be surrounded by as many people that love them as possible, I will take care of Natalie. I promise you," Michael told her.

Viki reached a hand up and touched Michael's cheek, "I know you will, thank you Michael," she turned to Marcy, "let's go shall we, I'll call Jess and Roxy too and see if they just want to come to the house. The more people there the more there are to distract the kids." Viki shook her head.

After Viki and Marcy left the hospital, Michael went immediately into Natalie's room.

"Hey doctor," the nurse greeted him.

"Hey Linda, how you doing?" He replied.

"I'm ok, is there anything you need?" she asked kindly.

"Yeah, I uh, could use a extra pillow and a blanket, I'm going to stay in here tonight," he answered.

"You bet," the nurse left to get him the items he requested and hurried back. Everyone had heard the story behind Dr. McBain's brother and sister-in-law.

Michael sat by her side for a few hours and had finally just sat turned down the lights in the room and sat down on the small inadequate couch that was in the room when the door burst open. Michael breathed a sigh of relief, he knew his brother would come but he admitted, John had made him nervous for a while.

Michael watched as his brother stopped dead in his tracks taking in the sight of his unconscious wife. The cuts and bruises that were visible. The two black eyes she had, the large blood soaked bandage on her head. John moved slowly closer to the bed, he seemed oblivious to his brother's presence in the room. John finally sat on the stool that Michael had vacated moments ago for the couch.

John was devastated at the sight of his wife's injuries. He reached out and gently touched the fingers of her bandaged hand. Michael thought he hear his brother whisper her name. John was silent for a moment then, "the truth Mike," John said finally, his voice rough and breaking.

Michael was startled, he didn't believe his brother even knew he was in the room.

"She needs to wake up...soon," Michael said not moving from his place on the couch.

"And if she doesn't?" John asked barely choking out the words.

"Then she might not at all," Michael answered getting up to leave, stopping at the door Michael asked snidely, "how'd your case go?"

John shook his head and swallowed around the lump in his throat, "I-I blew it. Nothing matters but, Natalie." John said not taking his eyes off his wife's face. Michael nodded and left the room. 'About damn time, you ass,' Michael thought as he left.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 14

"It's been three days, John. You need to eat and get some sleep," Michael said to his brother after once again finding John slumped over on the edge of Natalie's hospital bed.

"I'm fine Michael. I'm not leaving her," John told him, sitting up and trying to stretch the kink out of his neck.

For three days, John had barely moved. He sat on the stool next to her bed to her left, never taking his eyes off her face and holding her hand. Trying to will her eyes to open. Family members have come and gone but, John never moved. Most times he acted like he didn't even know they were in the room. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone.

"She's not going to be happy if she wakes up and you're dead," Michael said.

"I have to be here when she wakes up. She has to see me when she wakes up," John said. Michael just shook his head, he knew that was what John would say. Michael set down a take-out bag from Rodi's on the table next to the bed, "eat," he said sternly to John before leaving.

The thought of food turned John's stomach but, he took a few bites anyways and threw the rest away. Sitting back down and grabbing Natalie's hand, he continued to look at his wife's face. It wasn't long after that her head jerked to the side. He reached up and gently smoothed her hair back.

"Natalie," John said to her, "Natalie wake up sweetheart, I'm here. Please, please wake up.

Natalie felt like she was underwater. She could hear people talking to her but, their words were so garbled she couldn't make out what they were saying most of the time. She'd heard her mother, father and sister. She knew she'd heard Michael and Eve, her Uncle Bo and Roxy. And John. She was afraid that if she opened her eyes she wouldn't hear him anymore.

"Natalie, Natalie wake up sweetheart please, please wake up," she heard him say. It's the most clear thing she'd heard yet. She tried hard to open her eyes, it felt like they were glued shut. Finally she blinked one open.

"Natalie? God sweetheart," he kissed her fingers, "Natalie?" Finally opening both eyes, she was looking at him with a blank stare, "Natalie, can you hear me?" He asked. Getting no response he pushed the call button. Within seconds his brother and a nurse that had been taking care of her, rushed into the room.

"She's awake Mike," John said needlessly, his voice sounding more like a child's.

"Yup, I see that. We've done this before, you have to wait in the hall," Michael said pushing his brother to the door.

"No but, she's my wife. I can stay," John argued.

"No, I need you in the hall. I'll come get you in a minute," Michael said firmly but, gently.

John looked over at Natalie who was still watching him with an unreadable blank look on her face. He reluctantly left but, only took one step outside the room. He leaned on the door frame as the emotions ran through him. 'Did she know who he was? Did she understand what he'd said to her' he thought. Michael said head injuries could be difficult to diagnose, a person could look perfectly fine and not be aware of their surroundings. Tears stinging his eyes. He pulled out his phone and called her mother.

Natalie hadn't moved while the nurse took her vitals. She watched silently as Michael ushered John out the door.

"How you doing kid?" Michael asked her looking into her eyes with a small light.

"John?" She finally managed to say hoarsely. She was so confused.

"Yup John's here, he's in the hall. Listen, do you know where you are?" Michael asked her. She just nodded her head 'yes'. He had been growing more concerned with each day that Natalie hadn't woken up. Noticing her limited responses, was worrisome as well.

"Can you tell me what year it is?" He asked, again receiving a nod in return. Natalie didn't really seem to be paying attention to him.

"Natalie, I need you to answer me. Can you speak?" Michael leaned down into her line of sight.

"Yes, it hurts….so much," she whispered, tears stinging her eyes.

"I know it does honey, Linda's giving you meds for that right now," he nodded to his side indicating the nurse that was injecting something into her iv.

"Do you know who I am?" Michael asked her softly.

Natalie smiled slightly, "A wonderful brother-in-law," she answered. He smiled at her. "What do you remember, Nat?" He was torn by the doctor in him that needed her to remember everything and the brother in him that certainly hoped she didn't remember the accident or having to be cut out of her car.

"Uhm...I remember talking to you, on the phone, in the car," she paused. Racking her brain, trying so hard to remember but, it just wasn't there, "I don't know. Then waking up here." She closed her eyes trying to concentrate. It was making her head hurt.

"Listen, don't try so hard to remember now. It will come back to you in time. That is exactly what was going on when you got hurt ok. Don't worry about it right now," Michael told her. He knew that her Uncle was waiting to talk to her about the accident. The other driver walked away with hardly a scratch. Knowing that John was involved in something made Michael suspicious of the wreck to begin with.

"We have to run some tests, alright? Then we will know more and I'll be able to answer more of your questions, is that ok?" He asked. She nodded again.

"John's here?" She asked him again, wrinkling her brow still feeling confused. Michael nodded, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Yeah, John's here. He hasn't left your side in three days. Not to eat or sleep or...shower," he held up one finger, "be prepared for that," Michael said with a small smile.

"Why?" Natalie asked, her voice rough from being unused, "why is he here?" Michael shook his head, "Other than, you're the love of his life, his wife and the mother of his children? I don't know, you want to ask him?"

She looked at him hard for a moment, then nodded. Michael stood up to let his brother back in but, before he could reach the door she asked, "the kids?" He turned and gave her another reassuring smile, "your mother, your sister, my mother, my wife...under control. You worry about getting some rest ok?" She gave him a small nod.

Opening the door quickly, John practically fell through it. "Sorry brother," Michael tried not to laugh. John slowly entered the room as the nurse left. "If you need anything Nat, push the button, ok?" Michael said leaving. She nodded.

"Hey," John said coming to her side and sitting down on the stool he'd occupied for the last three days.

Natalie looked around the room, anywhere but at her husband, "hey," she said back, then cleared her throat. He grabbed her hand and rubbed his thumb over the top of her fingers. "Why are you here?" she asked him harshly.

"Michael called and told me you were hurt. I came as soon as I could," he answered hurt by her tone.

"I'm fine now," she said shortly, trying to move her hand but it felt like lead, "you don't need to stay."

"Natalie, I'm not leaving," he told her firmly, finally catching her eye.

"Why are you here?" she snapped as best she could given how she felt.

"Sweetheart-" John started.

"No. Don't call me that," she hissed through her teeth, snatching her hand back and bringing up to her forehead, she had a horrible headache. "You left. You left me here alone. You left your children," Natalie felt the tears slipping down her cheeks, "You-" Natalie was interrupted by the door to her room swinging open. Clearing her throat a second time, Natalie swiped the tears away when she saw her mother come in.

"Hey mom," she managed quickly with a shaky voice.

"Oh honey, I'm so glad to see you," Viki said coming up to the other side of the bed. Anyone that had come to see her the last few days realized if they wanted to get close to her, they had to go to the other side as John never moved from his spot to her left.

"I'm glad to see you too," her mother kissed her forehead, and Natalie asked, "How are the kids?"

"They'll be ok. It's been hard for them to not see either of their parents recently," Viki tried to say it gently but, John still heard the accusation in her voice.

"What did you tell them?" Natalie was so worried about them. They had all reacted to John's absence in different ways, she could only imagine how they felt not being able to see their mother, too.

"Just that you were sick and didn't want to make them sick, too. That their father was here taking care of you and that you would be home soon," Viki gave her son-in-law a stern look, hoping to convey how disappointed she was with him. John didn't need her to tell him, he knew it. "Between Jess and her kids, your father, Eve and Marcy and Michael's family, we've managed to keep them pretty busy the last three days," Viki said.

"Thanks mom," Natalie said tiredly, "Michael said they had to run some tests before they could give me any idea of when I could go home."

"Well, you'll stay with us and-"

"No," John interrupted, "I'll take her home." Both Natalie and Viki snapped their eyes to John. "She'd be…..she'll be more comfortable there," he said softening his tone.

After a moment of awkward silence, Natalie looked away from him and back to her mother, "I want to see the kids," she said.

"Oh honey, we should wait a bit for the bruises to heal a little," Viki told her as she gently touched the side of her daughters face.

"Oh, yeah right," Natalie conceded, "well, tell them I love them." Natalie couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. She couldn't imagine what her babies were going through.

"I will," her mother smiled at her, "you rest and I will see you soon."

Natalie tried to smile back, "ok thanks. Bye," she mumbled as her mother left.

John and Natalie sat in silence for what seemed like forever to her. Finally he said, "are you hungry? I could get them to bring you something," he offered, he wanted to help her in any way that he could.

"No," she said quickly, "I'm getting tired." She still couldn't look at him. She wasn't sure if the pain in her chest was from the accident or her broken heart.

"Then you should rest," John told her, wishing he could hold her.

"You don't need to stay," she said closing her eyes, trying to block him out.

"I know," he said but, he didn't move.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 15

It was another two days before Natalie's doctors felt she could go home. Most of her cuts and bruises were healing nicely and they were confident she would have no long term effects from her head injury, even if she couldn't remember the accident itself.

John and Natalie barely spoke but, he never left her room for long and she allowed him to take her home. He wouldn't let her walk from the car into the house, she tried to argue with him but, he wouldn't listen. Picking her up and carrying her through the front door gave them both flash backs to the day they moved in.

_Standing on the front porch, John stopped short causing Natalie to practically walk into his back. "What are you doing?" She laughed. _

_"I don't know," he said, "it just feels like one of us should say something." _

_"What?" She laughed again. _

_"Well this is a pretty momentous moment for us don't you think?" he said._

_"The great John McBain, all domesticated. Yeah, I'd say that is a pretty big moment for us," she smiled at him. _

_He leaned forward and captured her lips in a slow sensual kiss. Pulling back he said, "you know, we haven't really talked about this again but...uhm well," he stammered while fiddling with the pocket of his coat, then smiling at her __and slowly falling down to one knee. _

_"I love you, Natalie. I still want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he swallowed hard, "please say yes," he whispered. _

_She smiled down at him through her tears, "yes," she whispered back. John stood back up and quickly took her lips again and swept her up into his arms. _

_"I think you only carry the bride over the thresh-hold after your married," she laughed. _

_"When have we ever done anything the right way," he chuckled as they walked through the door to their new home._

"I think I'd like to go upstairs," she said softly bringing him out of his memory.

"Yeah, ok," he headed for the stairs. He set her down on the bed and reached for her shoes.

"I can do it," she snapped. He sighed and stood up to stand awkwardly by the bed.

"I'm not crippled John, you don't need to hover anymore," she said tiredly, struggling with her shoes. After laying around for days, she had no energy.

"That's not what I'm trying to do," John told her, it hurt that she wouldn't let him help her but, he understood.

"Well that's not how it feels," she said finally getting both shoes off.

"I'll get you something to sleep in," he said, going into their closet.

"Seriously John," she mumbled more to herself than to him, she didn't have the energy to fight with him. She flopped herself backwards onto the pillows.

John grabbed a pair of her favorite flannel pajama pants and an old Philadelphia Eagles t-shirt of his and walked back into the bedroom.

"Here, I thought..." he stopped and sighed, she was already asleep.

Slowly, so as to not wake her, he gently changed her clothes. He knew he could do it, he'd done it before. Once she was asleep, she didn't wake very easily. Unless it was a baby's cry, once she was out, she was out. And given the fact that she was exhausted from non activity she would be hard to wake at this point. Once he got her changed and tucked a blanket from the end of the bed around her, he took a seat in one of the chairs in front of the fireplace in their room.

He couldn't count how many times he'd sat here over the years and watched her sleep. She was beautiful. He'd missed her so much. When Michael called and told him she had been hurt, he felt like his world was ending. He'd been so close to finding Kaitlin. Just a door away. But, in the end, getting to Natalie was more important. He couldn't ignore the pull to get to her. Kaitlin would be long gone by now. He'd never have the answers he wanted.

'Wanted,' he scoffed out loud, that was just it. He had thought this whole time that he needed those answers. He needed those answers so he could move on but, looking at Natalie laying in that hospital bed...he realized, he _wanted_ those answers. Knowing now, without a shadow of a doubt that he would never get them, he could live with that. Not having those answers was not the end of the world. Loosing Natalie was a different story. He was a selfish man.

He watched as Natalie rolled over and reached for him. He realized that no matter what Kaitlin had to say, he loved his wife, he loved his children and despite how long it took for he and Natalie to get their acts together, he wouldn't trade that for the world. She could hate him for the rest of her life but, he wasn't leaving Llanview again. He wasn't leaving his children and he would never stop hoping Natalie would forgive him.

John didn't know if he would ever be able to forgive himself for not realizing all of this sooner. He could have prevented all of this hurt. He hurt Natalie and the kids and he didn't know if he would ever be able to make up for it. But, he'd known that when all of this started, didn't he? If he would have been here, Natalie wouldn't have been in this accident and hurt either.

He watched as she wrinkled her brow at not finding him when she reached for him. She moved her hand back and forth searching for him, then giving up and rolling back over.

His phone started to vibrate. Walking out into the hall he answered softy, "hello."

"Hi Johnny, we're here," his mother said.

"I'll be right down," he said and moved to the stairs.

"John," Eve said quickly, " all three are asleep, we'll need to carry them in."

"Oh, alright, no problem," he was disappointed, he had hoped to see them tonight but, given the late time it was probably for the best. Not to mention the fact that he hasn't seen them in months, he wasn't sure how they would react. Luckily, the mothers had put the kids in their pajamas before they brought them home so, between Viki, Eve and himself, they managed to get all three children tucked into their beds.

John returned to his chair in the bedroom after Viki and Eve left but, not before promising to call if they needed anything - no matter the time. And not without receiving two disappointed motherly looks from them both. He sat for hours watching her sleep. After numerous times of watching as she reached for him, he couldn't take it anymore. He slipped off his shoes and unbuttoned and removed his shirt. The moment he laid down next to her she reached for him once again and finally after months of not sleeping, John fell into a deep, contented sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 16

Neither knew who started it, neither knew when it started but, both of them found themselves furiously kissing the other. Him on top of her. John's shirt and t-shirt flung to the floor, his jeans unbuttoned, unzipped and hanging off one hip. Her hands running over his back and chest desperately, one finding the exposed skin at his hip and clutching it desperately.

Her t-shirt was gone as well, her legs wrapped around him as he ran one hand through her hair and her back then back up to her head keeping her mouth glued to his frantically, his other hand running down her back, the side of her breast and finally into her sleep shorts to her hip and grinding himself into her body.

This last action actually jolting them both fully awake and into consciousness. Natalie pulled her mouth away from his, he let her but, he rested his forehead against her shoulder. She turned her head to the side so he wouldn't see the tears that were already falling.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, she sniffed and he pulled back to look at her. Seeing her tears, he quickly moved off of her, "did I hurt you?" He asked concerned that he had.

"Not like that," she said in a small voice. Coving herself, she sat up and looked for her shirt. Finding one of John's t-shirts on the floor she crawled off the bed, grabbed it and slipped it on.

"That is the last thing I wanted," he said sadly, rubbing his face with both hands, "Natalie, I have so much to tell you."

"I'm not sure I care anymore," she glared at him, then turned her back to the bed where he still sat.

"Let's go downstairs and talk about this so we don't wake the kids," he said. He knew she was going to be angry. He had a lot to make up for. He hoped that they had enough love for each other that she would forgive him. He'd asked her to forgive a lot over the years and John was fully aware that this time she might not.

Natalie went to the closet and grabbed a hooded sweatshirt of his. Natalie looked into the full length mirror that was in there. She was a mess, green and while plaid flannel pants, an old grey Philadelphia Eagles t-shirt she had recognized as John's and a blue 'LPD' zip up sweatshirt. Her hair was thrown up in a sloppy pony tail and bed ragged now. Fashion model she will never be but, she was comfortable and warm and she hoped that was enough to get through the next few hours. Coming out of the closet she saw that John hadn't waited on her so she made her way downstairs.

John was coming from the kitchen with two beers, handing her one he passed by where she stood on the stairs and made his way to the black leather couch.

She looked at the beer he handed her, "how many of these am I going to need?" She asked.

"More than you have in the house," he replied, "and….probably more than you can handle with the meds you are on." She took a deep breath and walked around the side of the couch and sat down next to him, making sure they didn't touch. She opened her beer and took a long drink of it.

"Ok," she said, after she swallowed, "go."

"Well, I….damn I don't even know where to start," He said rubbing his face. He was so ashamed of how he'd dealt with all of this, he didn't know how to tell her.

"The beginning," she mumbled sarcastically , taking another drink.

"Right," he said, "I guess, I should start by telling you that…..I've been lying to you." His voice sounded rough.

Natalie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, sat the beer bottle down and walked into the kitchen. Reaching up into an upper cabinet she grabbed the bottle of Jack she knew he has stashed up there. Not bothering with a glass, she took a large gulp of it as she returned to the living room, this time opting to sit in the chair as far away from him as possible.

Neither moved or spoke for several minutes. Natalie had nothing to say, she waited to John to finish.

She stared at the Christmas tree her and the kids had just put up. Well, actually Mathew, David and her Uncle Bo put the tree up but, she and the kids decorated it. She let them do it however they wanted, so most of the ornaments and such where only in the few feet Liam and Laney could reach, the upper portion was practically empty of decorations. She didn't care, her children did it and it was beautiful.

She wondered if John even noticed it.

"Uh.." he started, stopping to clear his throat, "it started back with Marty was here." Natalie took another drink straight out of the bottle.

"You should probably take it easy with that, you're on some heavy pain killers and that is a lot stronger than beer," John said gently.

"They're not nearly heavy enough," she responded angrily not looking at him, she could feel the pain in her heart to acutely for her liking.

"Yeah," he said, "the thing is….see it started out, I was investigating Evangeline and Jared's disappearances-"

She cut him off, "and I don't understand why. Neither of them are even around here anymore. Evangeline is in New York with her mother and Jared is in Texas, if they don't care why is it any of our business?"

"Because Natalie, people shouldn't be able to just disappear and reappear with no memory of where they've been. There was something wrong with that," he told her evenly, setting down his beer. He stood up and walked to the fireplace, composing himself before he turned around and started again, "Patrick Thornhart works for the same company that Irene Manning was running when she pulled the 'Todd switch'. The same company that is involved with Evangeline and Jared's disappearances."

"What does any of this have to do with why you are here now? I really don't care what you've been up to the last few months or so," Natalie said dejectedly, slouching down into the chair.

John walked over to the coffee table that held his beer and took a long pull off of it. "Natalie…..when Patrick was here he told me a man by the name of Kenneth Fitzgerald was running Security Systems now…..with his daughters," John said, looking at her expectantly.

"And I care because…" She shook her head not understanding what he was trying to say.

"I used to know a man by the name of Kenneth Fitzgerald," he said, looking down at his wedding ring and turned away from her for a moment.

"Ok," Natalie shrugged and wished he would just get to the point.

"You've actually met one of his daughters," John said finishing his beer, and turning to look at her.

"I have? Who is his…" Natalie looked at John, fully for the first time as well. Her heart sped up wondering if he was saying what she thought he was. She closed her eyes and shook her head, "I don't understand what you're saying." She said finally, hoping the fuzzy feeling in her head was because of the whiskey.

"Kenneth Fitzgerald's daughters are Katherine, whom you've meet and….Kaitlin," John sat still waiting for what he'd said to sink in.

Natalie shook her head and sat forward, setting the bottle on the coffee table. She shouldn't have drank so much of that damn whiskey. She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. Before looking back up at him.

"What are you saying John?" Natalie said with tears in her eyes.

"Kaitlin…..she's been alive…this whole time," John finished in a whisper with tears of his own, from anger and frustration, exhaustion and disappointment in himself.

Natalie sat still, running his words over and over in her head. Kaitlin was alive, everything made sense now. Why he left, why he felt trapped with her, why he left town without saying good bye.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 17

"Well," she said finally, swallowing her tears and swiping what was left off her face and laughed strangely, "that's good news then right?" She wiped her hands down the legs of her pants.

"What?" he asked her confused by where she was going with this.

"Well, you're not stuck here anymore. You wanted more excitement then Llanview was giving you. I guess then that you're working for them now too?" She said screwing the top back on the whiskey bottle, she didn't need any more of that.

"No Natalie, I'm not working for them," he sighed, "listen, there's more-"

"I don't want to hear about your reunion thanks," Natalie yell at him standing abruptly, and turned away from him. She really thought she was going to be sick. The tears she had been holding back came flooding out.

"No. No-nothing like that," he rushed to her placing his arms around her from behind and burying his face in her hair, "sweetheart," he said softly, turning her around to face him and stooping down to look her in the eyes, pushing her hair back so he could see her face, "nothing like that happened I promise. Natalie." He pulled her to him, holding her tightly, he thought about how stupid he was to start out saying that the way he did.

She sobbed into his shoulder, not being able to control it. It took several minutes for her to reign in her emotions but, when she did she pulled out of his arms aggressively and walked, almost stomped to the other side of the room, swiping at her tears.

"Listen I don't want you to think this about my feelings for her, it's not, not really," he said, wincing at how lame that came out.

"Oh really, John, then what the hell is this about? Huh, you've turned our attic into some sort of shrine to her, you've walked out on our marriage, you've walked out on your _kids_…..how the hell is this not about _your_ feelings? _You_ felt trapped, _you_ felt cheated. You, you, you!" She spun away from him and put her hand to her forehead. God her head hurt, from her injuries or stress she didn't know.

John rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. "Natalie please, just listen for a minute," he pleaded with her. He closed his eyes and struggled to find the right words. "When he first told me, she was alive…..I was so angry," he started. Taking a deep breath, he cleared his throat. This wasn't going well. He didn't expect it to but, the reality of how hurt she was, was crushing him.

"Angry?" she asked confused, "why would you be angry?"

"Why?" he raised is eye brows and chuckled with no humor, "are you kidding? I thought she was dead and I blamed myself. For years, I blamed myself for that. I was the one that taunted Haver, I was the one he was after, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it hadn't been for _me_, he wouldn't have come to our apartment to begin with. I turned my back on my family, I turned my back on everyone and everything," John started pacing the length of the room, "I lost contact with my brother for years, I wouldn't return my mother's phone calls. Look at the way I treated you when we met. I treated everyone like they were expendable. Because I couldn't get close to anyone." John was getting more agitated as he talked.

"You got close to Evangeline," Natalie mumbled angrily through her teeth, watching him pace.

"Because of you," he mumbled back and sighed, his shoulders slumping.

"What?" she scoffed.

"You made me see that I needed to start living again," He said. She was lost in this conversation.

"Just not _with_ me, right?" It still hurt to think about that time, years ago. He was willing to be in a relationship with that snob but, not her…..because of her.

"I knew Evangeline and I were going to go nowhere. I cared about her, I do still care about her but, I knew that we weren't going to…..grow old together but, it was a start. You know I was messed up about how I felt back then," he was ashamed to say the words out loud. They sounded shallow and just plain wrong.

"John, I don't understand what you're trying to say to me. You just found out that your fiancé was alive. Someone that you loved and cared for….why wouldn't you just tell me?" Natalie asked, feeling that he still didn't trust her, "we promised each other, you _promised_ me, no more secrets. No more lies. _You_ said that, you're the one that started that whole conversation. Remember? After Laney was born…you promised and you made me promise."

"I don't know, I just couldn't. I didn't know how," John said agitatedly, started pacing again, "I was so angry that she let me believe all this time that she was dead, I mean, who does that? She knew that I would blame myself and she stayed silent all these years. When Victor told me he could get me in the back door of that firm-"

"He what?" Natalie interrupted, anger taking over again. John stopped pacing and turned around to face her.

He took a deep breath, "Victor said he could get me a job with the firm and once I was in….I could confront her," John said.

"Victor's dead…..they found his body weeks ago floating in the river…." Her voice trailed off, she narrowed her eyes at him, " and Uncle Bo said you went to Virginia," Natalie said quietly.

"Victor faked his death…and Bo lied for me," John said. Natalie's eyebrows rose with this bit of information.

"So is every person we've ever known to die, actually alive?!" Natalie said with a humorless laugh, none of this was funny .

John shrugged, "we live in Llanview." He said in way of explanation.

"Uncle Bo lied, _to me_, for you?" Natalie sadly, "you have my uncle lying to me," Natalie couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"I told him….that I had to protect you….and….that is why I left," he said, "that was all he knew. He wanted to keep you safe."

"Protect me?" Natalie shook her head, hoping something would start making sense soon.

"Protect you and the kids….I had to. I couldn't take the chance any of you would be hurt," John said. He stood facing her with his hands on his hips, willing her to listen and understand.

Natalie stared at him for a moment, taking all of this information in and it dawned on her…..

"And Michael knew," she said quietly, it wasn't a question.

"Michael knew," he confirmed, nodding once.

"Michael knew what exactly? You have to protect us from what…_exactly_?" She asked loudly, getting angry all over again. She felt betrayed by not only John but, Michael and her uncle too.

"Victor said they were watching us, you had to believe that…..I left you," he said cautiously but, he stood his ground and looked her in the eye.

"I had to believe…." She let her voice trail off quietly while she processed this information.

"If they were watching us, they had to believe that I really left you so you wouldn't know anything, they wouldn't come after you if I'd screwed up, and you'd be safe-" he said slowly, knowing how it was going to sound.

"You did this…..on purpose," she whispered, "you put another case in front of us…again." Tears back in her eyes. Natalie felt as though her heart had been ripped from her body.

John could see the disbelief in her face, the betrayal in her eyes. He wasn't surprised, he knew she would feel betrayed by him but, he hadn't prepared himself for how he would feel seeing her this way. He couldn't answer her, he simply nodded again feeling the tears sting his eyes.

"Do you have any idea, what you've done?!," she yelled, gasping in surprise. Her hands flew to her head which she was convinced would explode at any moment.

"I know that I've hurt you sweetheart and-" John started, taking a few steps closer to her.

"Hurt me?! Oh my God!" she yelled, she walked past him pacing the room, "John, you've…you've…..you've broken us! The kids," Natalie could barely breathe, "they are so…..broken, what you've done…how could you just…completely disregard our feelings? My feelings?" Natalie was crying so hard she was close to hyperventilating, she could feel her heart slamming in her chest. John was worried about Natalie passing out. She stopped pacing to brace her hands on the back of the black leather chair.

"Natalie, I'm sorry. I know that you're angry but, you need to sit down for a minute," he told her, he reached out to help her to the couch. Knowing she was still on some pretty strong pain killers, he thought she needed to sit down before she fell.

"No! Don't touch me," she visibly recoiled from his outreached hand. "You did this, knowing what it would do…you promised, _promised_ you would never ever put another case in front of us again," Natalie could hear the pounding in her ears. She felt sick. Trying to get herself under control, Natalie walked around John to the couch slowly and sat down. Tears falling uncontrollably down her face.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 18

It took her several minutes of deep breaths and sitting still with her eyes closed to get her emotions under control. She was finally able to breathe without taking in big gulps of air and she managed to get the tears under control.

Speaking quietly, spinning her wedding ring, she said, "after you left, Liam kept asking where you were. I didn't know what to tell him you know, I couldn't tell him the truth," Natalie stared at something in front of her as she remembered the look on her little boys face, "I told him….I told him you were working. And eventually you know he figured out that wasn't true. So….I told him you had to go out of town, he didn't believe that either but…." She shrugged, "he stopped asking so…..He's been _so_ angry. Getting into fights at school and picking on Alana. It's just so not him. And Laney….God you know all the kids idolized you, they did but, she.…..she adored you," Natalie swallow hard, trying to stop the fresh tears that fell anyway, "she's stopped eating and she doesn't sleep. She's probably up there right now listening to all of this. And Sean you know he's so small but, he used to be so happy all the time, he never cried, never, he never fussed and now.….he's _so_ fussy all the time now. He cries all the time," Natalie took a deep breath, placing a hand to her forehead and said, "and you did this all…..on _purpose_." She didn't know which hurt worse the words he'd said that day or what he was telling her now.

John spoke quietly, his heart breaking for his children, "I was trying to keep you safe-"

"_Safe_?!" She looked at him in surprise.

"Natalie-"

"You need to leave-" she said quickly looking away from him. He needed to leave and she needed to think. How and what was she going to tell the kids? 'Well your dad baled on us for a few months but hey, he's back now so no worries'.

"What?" He wasn't sure he heard her right.

"You need to leave before they get up," she said quickly standing up.

John shook his head, not believing what he was hearing, "I'm not leaving," he said firmly, they weren't done talking about this and he wanted to see his children.

Natalie turned to look at him angrily. "You left, you walked out without discussing any of this with me. What makes you think you have any say in how we handle this with the kids? You're here, you're not here, you're here, they are confused enough. We're not going to add to it by you being here this morning," she turned her back to him crossing the room.

"Your mother already told them I was here, taking care of you. They're going to expect to see me," he tried to reason with her. She kept her back to him.

"Just like when you left before, I'll handle it," she said firmly without turning around. He could hear the fatigue in her voice.

Her words stung and he flinched when he realized she was right. He didn't have any say in how she handled his return. John heard a shuffle and looked towards the stairs. There stood his little girl peaking out around the corner, her big blue eyes full of tears, her thumb in her mouth. Her little pink pajamas and the sunlight spilling in through the window set her red curls on fire.

"Natalie," he said softly, almost pleadingly, never taking his eyes off Laney and her staring right back.

"What?" Natalie responded heaving a sigh and turning around. Seeing John's focus on the stairs, she turned to look in the same directions.

"Damn it," she whispered. Her heart breaking for her little girl. Seeing the look in both their eyes, she knew she couldn't keep them apart. She squeezed her eyes closed, choked back a sob, and heaving a deep sigh, there was no way out of this now.

"Come here, honey," Natalie said mustering the softest voice she could and she held out her hand. John could hear the anguish in her voice. Their daughter came slowly into the room, and walked to her mother's side as Natalie knelt down to her level. She never looked away from her father.

"Can you not sleep?" she asked keeping her voice soft. Laney shook her head, her red curls bouncing along, still not taking her eyes off her father.

Natalie ran a hand threw her daughter's hair. It had gotten so much darker in the last year. It was much more blonde or a strawberry blonde when she was born. Natalie thought maybe she would be a blonde like Jess and Bree but, now Natalie could tell it was going to be an auburn like hers.

Natalie sighed, giving Laney a kiss on the cheek, she whispered, her voice cracking, "Daddy's home." Laney nodded her head 'yes' and stuck her thumb back in her mouth. Natalie had almost broke her of that habit until John disappeared. "You wanna go say hi?" Natalie asked her rubbing her back. Laney nodded again. Natalie tried to smile at her, "well go ahead then."

John knelt down also and held a hand out to his daughter, she was hesitant for only a second , then launched herself at her father. John wrapped his arms around her little body as she wound herself around him as much as she could afraid he would disappear again. He stood with tears falling down his face. Natalie turned away, seeing John cry was too much for her. She could hear him talking to her softly, how much he loved her, how much he missed her.

Natalie had hoped to gain some control over the situation, some time to think and some time to prepare her children. Maybe the truth was she was the one that needed more time to prepare herself for him being here. To come to terms with what he had done to them. Purposefully. Kids were resilient, they bounce back faster than adults. They forgive easier…..

Crying from upstairs got Natalie's attention, she turned to see John sitting on the couch with Laney on his lap looking at her, pleading in his eyes. "Damn it," she muttered again, shaking her head in aggravation as she headed upstairs to get Sean. Looking at her watch she saw that it was no longer the middle of the night but, very early morning. She missed noticing the sun come up. No wonder Laney and Sean were awake.

Once her baby boy saw her he stopped crying but, started frantically reaching for her, like he was afraid she would leave him alone. This anxiety for her was also new since John left. She could hardly leave a room when he was awake or he would get upset. She ran her hand over his dark hair and picked him up.

She pressed her lips to his head, intending only a kiss but, she noticed he felt a little warm. Thinking she was sure it he was only cutting teeth but, quickly taking his temperature anyway. Making a mental note of the temperature and the time. She would check him again later.

Natalie returned to the living room with Sean to see John and Laney talking quietly still on the couch. John looked up as she came further into the room. His youngest son had always been more partial to his mother but, he couldn't help but notice Sean's eyes light up when as they came closer.

"He has a small fever," Natalie said softly, her voice still rough from the yelling and tears earlier.

"Is he ok?" John asked anxiously, reaching his free arm out to indicated they he could hold both kids on his lap at once.

"Uhm…yeah, I think so, it's probably just his teeth," Natalie said, she hesitated before setting Sean in John's arms.

"I'm sorry," John said softly, "I know you wanted me to leave but-"

"It's ok," she said back, "it was more for me I guess, then for them. I just…..need to think before we talk anymore." She turned to stand at the window that over looked their back yard.

"Yeah…and we should talk alone," John said, not being able to take his eyes off his kids.

"Yeah," Natalie replied.

"I'm hungry," Natalie heard a sweet, tiny voice whisper, it made her smile.

"You're hungry?" John said brightly to his daughter. Natalie was sure she wouldn't answer out loud, she would probably just nod and she was right when she heard him say back, "well, we should probably get you something to eat then, huh?" Again she envisioned her daughter nodding.

"Is that alright Mommy?" John said hesitantly addressing Natalie.

Natalie turned to look at her family, tears stinging her eyes, plastering a large fake smile on her face, "of course it is," she replied, "would you like fruit or cereal?" Natalie asked as she walked over to sit on the coffee table facing her husband and her two youngest children.

"Banana," Laney said and Natalie smiled at her.

"Do you want me to take one of them?" She asked, looking John directly in the eye for the first time in hours.

"No, I got them. You shouldn't with your wrist anyway," John said looking back just as intently.

Natalie stood up and led the way into the kitchen. She turned to Sean to buckle him into his chair while John tried to help Laney. She didn't want to be put down. Natalie was sure Laney was afraid her father would disappear again. Laney began to whimper and in the end, John sat with her on his lap while she settled in to eat banana slices and grapes. Natalie had started a pot of coffee and sat down to feed Sean oatmeal when they heard a knock on the door. Natalie sigh wondering who it could be so early.

"It's probably one of our various parents or siblings coming to check on you," John said trying to lighten the mood but, his tone turned serious when he asked, "do you want me to get rid of them?"

Natalie knew that if it were her family, they wouldn't leave so easily, "no I'll just go answer the door. They might never leave if they don't see me," she said as she handed John Sean's spoon and stood up to slide his chair closer to where John and Laney were sitting so John could reach to feed him.

Natalie strolled through the dining room into the living room and swung the front door wide open quickly and said, "come on in. As you can see I am fine-" Natalie had been expecting a family member on the other side of the door not a stranger this early in the morning.

"Can I help you?" She asked the woman, confused. She placed a hand on her hip and stood more squarely in front of the door to block it.

"Hello Natalie, it's nice to see you again, I hope you're feeling better," the woman said cordially with a pleasant smile.

It took a minute but, Natalie finally placed the woman's face, "we've never met." Natalie said flatly, narrowing her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.

"No we've never met formally but, I've known of you for years. I've….kept tabs you could say," the woman said cryptically.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 19

"I wonder if your mommy's coming back, it's probably Grandma Viki out there, you think?" John spoke to his kids. Laney nodded vigorously making John laugh. He hoped Liam would wake up soon. He didn't know if Natalie would ask him to leave again or not. She let him stay this long hopefully she would let him stay to see Liam, too. After wiping Laney and Sean's faces and cleaning up the breakfast dishes, he thought he might as well head out there to the living room , 'no sense hiding in here', he thought. Maybe he could take the kids upstairs and help them get dressed.

With Sean on his hip and holding Laney's had John went through the house to the living room.

"Natalie, do you want me to-" John stopped, frozen in place.

Natalie was standing in front of the open door, her arms crossed over her chest. He'd seen it before, it was her defiant stance. Someone or something, had pissed her off, thanking heaven it wasn't him this time, "Natalie, what's wrong?" He said not knowing if he should continue in with the kids.

Natalie looked to her left to see him standing in the doorway of the dining room, she took a deep breath and with one finger swung the door back all the way as John came closer to the door.

The three adults, stood still for a minute staring at each other. Finally the woman spoke, "I heard you were looking for me," she said to John, who started moving forward as she spoke, coming to stand next to Natalie.

"I was," was all he said. They stood for another awkward minute until Natalie turned and gently grabbed Sean out of John's arms and took Laney by the hand and started toward the kitchen again.

"Natalie-" he started nervously, not really sure what he was going to say to her.

"I'm fine," she said without looking back.

John watched her until she was out of sight before turning and staring for another uncomfortable moment before gesturing for the woman to enter their home. She nodded and walking in past him. She turned to face him when she reached the middle of the room. He stared at her hard.

She looked the same but, completely different. Her hair was darker, shorter….her face was older, not that she looked old but, crinkles had appeared at her eyes and around her mouth. When they had been younger she lived in sweats and jeans, now she stood here polished in a black suit and heels. He couldn't stop staring.

"What….what are you doing here?" He asked her regaining his mind and realizing that he was staring.

"I was expecting you at the warehouse," she said with a small smile.

"You knew I was there?" he asked surprised.

"Of course I did, there isn't much about your life I don't know," she smiled sadly and nodding slightly. Her answer only angered him.

"Well that's funny since you didn't want to be a part of it apparently," he said snidely, rubbing his face he walked past her into the room.

"That's not true John. There's so much you don't understand and a lot I can't tell you but, that was never the reason all of this happened," she said in a soft voice. Pleading with him to understand.

"You let me think you were murdered and you let me think it was my fault, what else is there to understand Kaitlin," he passed her to cross the room again. He was worried about Natalie in the other room with the kids. He hoped she was ok.

"Well…what did you want to talk about then? You were the one to come looking for me, what did you want?" Kaitlin said patiently as if talking to a small child, she was aware of how combative John could get when he felt cornered.

"I want to know why. Don't you think I deserve an explanation?" He said angrily.

"You do, you honestly do but, I can't give you one. Only to say that this is the way it has to be. You did just fine…eventually. And the moment I saw Natalie, I knew she was the one for you. To help you get over-"

"What do you mean when you saw Natalie?" He narrowed his eyes at her.

"I saw her long before you were assigned to her case, John. She was meant for you, you just took too damn long to realize it," she scoffed, " I mean…..Evangeline Williamson John _really_, I always swore if I ever got the chance I would ask you what were you thinking? She is such a snob and a _bore_. And you let Natalie go for Marty Saybrooke, good Lord, I don't even know what to say about that one. Crazy, loony and psycho all come to mind ."

"I don't really need a review of my love life thanks, and a lot of that happened because of you," he said angrily, pointing a finger at her.

"Me?" She sounded genuinely surprised, "you don't seriously believe that?"

"You being murdered in _our_ bed was _my_ fault, and I couldn't get close to anyone for years because of it. I blamed myself for what happened. I taunted Haver, I goaded him into shooting the both of us. _I_ killed you but, that's the funny part isn't it….you're not dead!" He yelled. John was so angry, he clasped his fist in one hand and started pacing the living room.

"John that was going to happen whether you goaded him or not, he already had it planned out. It just so happened that you gave that press conference when you did, that's all," she said calmly as if it were no big deal.

"And just how did you know?" John placed his hands on his hips defensively, stopping to look at her in surprise.

"My father told me," she said nervously, they were getting into territory she could talk much about, "he had an opportunity to work with the government but, that would have meant that none of us ever saw him again and, you know I was very close to my father. I had already lost my mother and I couldn't live without him in my life," she said.

"So instead of….oh, I don't know maybe just breaking things off with me and disappearing you let me think I killed you?" He said sarcastically, this was really too much, "how was I supposed to know you planned to fake your death? How was I not supposed to blame myself?"

"People had to believe I was dead John, that's how this works. If I had just disappeared, would you honestly have left it alone, or would you have looked for me?" she asked, then added, "much like you getting Natalie to believe you left her, she wouldn't have accepted you 'just leaving' would she? You had to make her believe that you weren't in her life, it's no different."

He looked at this woman that he used to love so much that he turned his back on everyone in his life because he didn't want to lose any of them.

"Except, I lost my family, I pulled away from them. I lost touch with my mother, Kaitlin all because I couldn't let them get close to me…so they didn't end up like you," John was seething with anger over her nonchalance over this feelings. "And that woman in there," he pointed to the other room where Natalie had taken the children, "do you have any idea how much I hurt her….when we first met….." John turned away, letting whatever he was going to say go, rubbing a hand over his face.

Kaitlin smiled, "well, I always knew she was the one for you, always. I loved you John…..I did…..but, we would have never have made it John, we both know that. We were too different. You didn't love me _enough_. You never would have," she told him.

"Didn't love you enough? I mourned you for years, God do you even hear how this sounds?" He said loudly, starting to lose patience.

"John, when I saw her playing pool for the first time and heard about the plan to use her to get Walker Lawrence, I knew you wouldn't let her get hurt…physically anyways, I know you both went through a lot after," she clasped her hands in front of her waiting for what she knew was the next question.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 20

"You got me assigned to that case?" he asked shocked, turning back around.

"Yes, I was also a part of the team that fished Christian Vega out of the Lake. We were to recruit him, like Evangeline and Jared but, Carlo double crossed us and hid him on that ship," Kaitlin told him.

"You were working with Carlo Hesser? This is….none of this can be true," John shook his head.

"Well….yes, until then. We work with a lot of….undesirables, so to speak," she answered, "I did everything in my power to make sure you two ended up together."

"Like what?! Are you saying that you planned my life for me?" John asked her, every time he didn't think he couldn't be any more shocked by what she was saying, she said something that shocked him even more.

"I wouldn't say that I 'planned your life' for you John but…..I wanted you with her, she's who you should be with. You complement each other. They way she looks at you and the way I know she makes you feel ," she told him firmly and decisively, hoping he would understand.

"What other aspects of my life have you interfered in?" John demanded, was any of his life his he thought.

"Interfered? It wasn't like that John-" she started.

"Then what was it like?" He interrupted her .

She was losing patience with him, "I didn't _make_ you fall in love with her, I didn't _make_ her give you a second chance after you lied to her about Christian Vega and I didn't _make_ you give her a second chance after the paternity issue…that was all you and her. But, I _did_ request you be assigned to the Vegas case and I was involved in the search for her when she was kidnapped by Potter. In fact I was right there at the well and you….._never_ even saw me," she said sadly, even though it was the right thing at the time, she couldn't help but be hurt at the memory of it, "You only had eyes for her. I was trying to take care of you," she told him.

"Take care of me? By hand picking your replacement?" John scoffed angrily.

"Are you saying…..that you don't love her?" Kaitlin asked snidely, cocking her head to the side.

John was silent for a moment. Did he love her? No question, he thought. It went all the way back to the day they met. He thought back on everyday they ever spent together, moments in time flashing through his mind.

_"__You're Natalie?"_

_"__Yeah, why?"_

_"…__you cooking something? I-is th-…don't even tell me that's macaroni and cheese."_

_"__I picked up a box on my way up here….want some?"_

_"__How long of a night were you planning?"_

_"__All of it."_

_"__What I wanted to tell you was….what I wanted to tell you was…..I love you."_

_"__Are you gonna take your shot?"_

_"__Right now." _

_"__I'm pregnant…well…say something."_

_"__I need a drink"_

_"__Are you coming home later?_

_"__Coming home?"_

_"__Yeah home."_

_"__Yeah….home"_

_"A girl"_

_"Just like your dream"_

_"Just like my dream"_

_ "__Looks like we missed one"_

_"__Where did that come from?" _

_"__Santa left it"_

_"__There's no tag, how do we know who it's for?" _

_ "__It's for you." _

Did he love her for any other reason than for who she was? , "no, I love her more than….life itself."

"Then….what is the problem with me being there for you? I was at the airport. When you tried to stop her from going to London. And I told you, I've seen the way you look at her. So why would you dredge up our past and put your marriage in jeopardy just to yell at me? Are you leaving her for me? Are you going to fake your death and come work for us? You would be an amazing asset, that's true. There is no denying that and by the way….you _were_ a target once but, I exchanged you for someone else," she told him.

Memories flooded his mind, "my accident," he said, it wasn't a question.

"I was at your funeral John, I saw her greave for you. She was….devastated isn't even a strong enough word. I couldn't take you away from her. You need her more than you've ever needed me. You need each other," she said pausing before she said more.

"Hugh Hughes has been a wonderful colleague and a pretty good friend. We've gotten….pretty close in the last few years. He has decided that when his time with us is up. He's headed to Asia. He visited there once on an assignment and decided that was where he wanted to live for a while…..I'm….I'm thinking of joining him there," she paused letting the details she reviled sink in,

John sat on the couch with his head in his hands while Kaitlin stood there awkwardly. Both were silent for a moment.

"John," she said gently, "if there is anything you want to say to me….you need to say it now. We won't be seeing each other again."

"Were you behind her accident?" John asked, he was starting to suspect it was true to get him home.

Kaitlin took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, "no John, I would never allow that to happen. It was truly a drunk driver that ran a red light. I believe Natalie's uncle will be here later in the morning to tell you that."

John nodded and stood up, placing his hands on his hips he turned toward her. "I don't have anything else to say," he told her softly, looking at her one last time. He could feel the tears at the backs of his eyes.

She smiled at him and opened her mouth to speak when he felt a tugging behind him on his shirt tail. Only one of his children did that. He turned around to see Laney standing behind him. Her red curls in her blue eyes as she looked up at him. He picked her up and placed her on his hip, her head instantly finding the space between his neck and shoulder, and placed her thumb in her mouth.

"Laney?" He heard Natalie say in a panic from the kitchen, "Laney?" She appeared in the doorway holding Sean before he could say anything.

"Oh….I'm sorry, she got away from me," Natalie said to no one in particular but to the room in general, not making eye contact with anyone.

"It's ok Natalie, I think we are done here," Kaitlin said kindly as Natalie made her way to John's side, "you have an absolutely beautiful family Natalie,"

"Oh…uhm, thank you," Natalie said nervously. Not really sure what had been taking place in their living room. She wasn't sure what to say or how to act. How does one address their husbands back-from-the-dead fiancé?

"I hope you both realize how bless you are to have all that you do. A lot of people envy you," She told them both, John nodded once but didn't reply.

"Dad!" came a shout from the stairs.

Both John and Natalie turned around to see Liam bounding down the stairs toward them.

"Hey buddy," John said kneeling down on one knee to greet his son, setting Laney on her feet next to him.

Except Liam ran to his mother, "what are you doing here?" He asked John hesitantly, Natalie put a hand on Liam's shoulder, trying to comfort him.

John looked up automatically to Natalie, she was usually that was better with words when it came to the kids. Natalie looked back at him intently, she had no intention of helping him with this. He sighed and tried to come up with the right words.

"I missed you so much, you and your brother and your sister. I had something I had to take care of but, that is over now. I won't be leaving you like that again, I promise-"

"John!" Natalie hissed quietly, "I don't think you should be making any promises-"

"I'm not leaving Natalie," John said sternly, "never again….not like this."

Natalie looked away from him wishing what he said was true, that he could make a promise like that and mean it. John looked back at Liam wanting nothing more than to hold him, he held a hand out to his son who immediately took it and ran into John's arms. He held him tightly feeling the prickling of tears behind his eyes.

"I have so much to tell you," Liam pulled away and started as if no time had passed between them, "mom signed me up for soccer and Dillion is on my team. Uncle Mike is our coach and…" Liam went on and on and John hung onto every word.

Natalie remembered that they weren't alone and turned to back to Kaitlin, not sure what to say or do but, finding the front door wide open and Kaitlin nowhere to be seen. She walked slowly to the door, looking out before she closed it but, not seeing any sign of a person or a vehicle. It was as if she vanished into thin air.

When she turned back around expecting John to be interested in what she saw when she looked outside but, he hadn't moved. Natalie didn't know if he hadn't noticed that Kaitlin had left or if he didn't care.

She watched as he sat down on the floor, Laney immediately sitting on his lap but, he never took his eyes off Liam. He was listening intently to their son go on and on about all he had missed in the last few months.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 21

The events of the morning were finally catching up to her. Natalie sat in the heavily in the living room chair.

"Hey, why don't you go upstairs and go back to bed. I'll take care of the kids," John said coming over to pick up Sean off her lap.

"I just need a nap, I think," she said sleepily.

He crouched down so they were face to face. "Let me help Natalie, please," He said pleadingly.

"Ok but, don't let me sleep more than just a couple hours," she said sadly, she was too tired to deal with all of this now.

"Ok. Do you need help upstairs-" he started to ask.

"No," she said quickly, she couldn't have him touch her. She stood slowly and started to make her way across the room when Liam stopped her, suddenly remembering that his mother had not been feeling well.

"Mommy? Grandma Viki said you were sick. Are you really?" He asked her, concern written all over his face.

"I was honey but, I feel better now. Just really, really tired. See, sometimes even grown-ups need to take naps," she tried to give him a reassuring smile. He hugged her tightly, something she desperately needed.

"Daddy's going to get you some breakfast then you get dressed ok and you can come wake me up in about an hour. Deal?" She asked him, not wanting to sleep too long. She and John had a lot to talk about, and a lot to sort out.

"Deal!" Liam yelled and ran off toward the kitchen, Laney toddling along behind him. John and Natalie stood staring at each other for a moment before he followed the kids into the kitchen and Natalie made her way upstairs. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

When Natalie woke, the room was dark. She rolled over and looked at the clock, 'shit,' she thought. He'd let her sleep all day. Dragging herself out of bed, she went into the bathroom to wash her face, brush her teeth and hair then wandered downstairs.

The television was on and there were toys strung out all over the floor. She sighed at the mess. She heard laughter coming from the other room and followed it into the kitchen. The room was a disaster. In addition to the mess John made making dinner. all of the lower cabinet doors were open, pots and pans lay out all over the floor, the pantry door was open and packaged food had been knocked to the floor.

"I'll clean it up," she heard John say from across the room. She snapped her eyes over to him, he was smiling at her.

"I thought it would be easy to make their dinner if I just brought them in here with me but…..as you can see…..they kind of took over," he said at least having the decency to look ashamed.

"They tend to do that," she replied, "uhm….I thought you were going to wake me up after an hour or so at the most?"

John looked away for a moment, he didn't exactly promise that but, he didn't exactly tell her he had no intention on not waking her either. "I just thought you looked like you needed to sleep a little longer," he told her, " Michael said you needed as much rest as possible."

Natalie just nodded. They stood awkwardly for a moment until Natalie spoke up, "they need to start getting ready for bed." She crossed her arms over her chest, balancing from one foot to the other.

John's heart sank as he realized she was going to ask him to leave again. He thought it would be best to beat her to it.

"Hey how 'bout, I help you get them upstairs then, I can clean up in here and…..you can get them to bed?" He looked at her trying to convey his willingness to help, hoping she would let him.

She looked at him, hesitating before answering, "ok…I uhm…I'm not up to talking tonight."

He gave her a small smile. "Yeah, I know," he rubbed the back of his neck and leaned back on the counter, "I should come back in the morning though and help-"

"Yeah, ok but, nine-ish maybe," she said quickly cutting him off . He looked at her confused.

"They'll be up before nine. I can come earlier and help you-"

"I…don't need your help!" She said in frustration, raising her voice and flinging her hands out on each side of her. She saw that he'd jumped slightly when she yelled, bringing her voice down she said, "I've been doing this on my own for a while now."

"I know but, you've also been in a major car accident and are on some heavy medication. It wouldn't be a good thing if you fell down the stairs carrying one of them," he told her, hurt by her words but, knowing he had no one to blame but himself.

"We'll be fine," she said in a small voice, then turning to find Laney's eyes fixed on her face. She plastered on a big smile, "come on guys, let's get you upstairs." She grabbed Laney by the hand as John picked Sean up off the floor.

They worked together as they used to. He cleaned up the kitchen as she started their nightly routine. Baths and pajamas and stories and kisses good night. Natalie immediately headed downstairs and John followed.

"Thanks for helping me out today," she said as she headed for the door.

"You don't have to thank me for spending time with my kids Natalie," he said, picking up his jacket and following her. She opened the door and stood next to it waiting for him to catch up. She didn't respond even though a snide remark was on the tip of her tongue.

John stopped when he came next to her at the door.

"I love you Natalie. I know you don't believe that right now but, I'll prove it to you. I promise," he said looking into her eyes.

She looked away quickly staring out into the living room. "Don't make me any promises John. I don't need them," she said quietly.

She closed the door after him and leaned against it. She might have slept all day but, she was still exhausted. And she realized as she slid down the door to sit on the floor, after weeks of not crying over him anymore, she bawling once again.


	23. Chapter 23

Epilogue

August 2016

This isn't exactly the way she thought she would be spending her first wedding anniversary. She rinsed the last bowl and put it in the dishwasher, closed the door and turned it on. Flowers and dinner out maybe. Actually, this should have been their third anniversary. What they had thought was their first was spent naked on the floor in front of the fireplace in their bedroom.

She leaned back against the counter and thought back over all they had been through in the last thirteen years of their relationship. They had been through so much.

She sighed and looked around the kitchen. It was free of clutter and surface dirt, so as far as she was concerned, it was clean enough.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. The first time she had heard him knock on his own door, she cried all night. It wasn't right, and she told him he didn't have to knock but, he said it didn't feel right not to.

She cried all night that night, not only because of that but, because it was the first night he took the kids away. She'd stopped crying. Oh, she would tear up occasionally but the truth was, she didn't have time to pity the situation they were in anymore. Her kids needed her.

Straightening her shirt, she made her way to the door.

"Hey," she said opening it wide and sweeping her hand out indicating he could come in.

"Hey," he said back. She still took his breath away. After all these years, her blue eyes and her fiery hair….

"They're still upstairs packing their things. I'll go get them," she said. The sight of him, made her heart pound, she could smell him. Leather and soap. She willed her heart to stop beating so hard, she was afraid he could hear it.

He smiled at her, and put a hand out not intending to touch her. He hadn't touched her in so long, he missed it. He only hoped she would wait a moment.

"Actually, if you have a minute….." he let his voice trail off, not really sure what he wanted to say.

She just nodded and looked at him expectantly, wondering what he wanted. They hadn't had a real conversation that wasn't about the kids in months.

"Well….I just," he started, shook his head and cleared his throat nervously, "I uh…..I just wanted to say, uhm," he stammered, then pulled a small blue box out of his pocket, he took a deep breath and said quickly, "happy anniversary."

He held the box out to her, she was like a fish opening and closing her mouth, not sure what to say.

She swallowed hard, her eyes filling with tears, "John," she said, "I….I-I-I didn't…."

"No…no it's…..you've given me…three of the best presents ever….for the rest of my life," he could feel tears prickling behind his eyes, "it's ok. It's just something…..just something I thought you would like," he shoved the box closer to her hoping she would take it, afraid she wouldn't. She hesitantly reached out and took it in her hand.

She looked up into his eyes for the first time in a long time. His beautiful blue eyes, she knew how they sparkled when he was happy and how dark they could smolder when they made love but, she hadn't seen anything but, flat blue in a long time.

She slowly opened the box. It was a small delicate, silver bracelet. "Oh John. It's beautiful," she said, with a small smile. She could feel her heart swell up.

"Yeah?" He asked nervously, and smiled a small embarrassed smile at her. He was glad that she liked it.

She carefully picked it up to see that there was a small charm attached. A emerald set into a silver charm of a four leaf clover.

"Yeah," she smiled up at him, "it really, really is." She couldn't tear her eyes away from his if she wanted to, "help me?" she said softly.

He looked up at her surprised she'd ask him.

She nodded enthusiastically, set the box down on the coffee table and held out her arm. He gently took the bracelet from her and took a few steps closer so he could reach properly. They hadn't been this close in months. He could smell her perfume, her skin….he swallowed hard. God did he miss her.

He slid the clasp in place, and watched as her eyes sparkled as they ran over his gift. It wasn't much but, it made him happy to see how happy it made her.

"I love it…thank you," she said softly. They found their eyes locked again. He reached up and ran the backs of the fingers on his right hand down her cheek. Turning his hand he copped her cheek and ran his thumb over her jaw. Her heart speed up again. She felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room.

His fingers were burning where he touched her face. Her skin was so warm. They moved at the same time slowly drawing closer, he couldn't wait to feel her lips on his again. He rested his nose against hers. He wouldn't kiss her if she didn't want him to but, he could feel her melt against him. He leaned down and-

"Dad!" Liam yelled from the stairs. John and Natalie jumped apart guiltily. John rubbed his hand over his face, trying to recover quickly.

"Yeah?" He said turning to face his five year old son bounding down the stairs. He couldn't see her but he felt Natalie move away from him.

"I've been waiting for you all day," Liam said with a giant smile on his face.

"Oh well…..I had to work today but, I'm here now. Are you ready to go? Hey, what do you guys want to do tonight?" He said focusing on his son.

"I'm ready but, Laney is still packing," Liam shook his head in disapproval, "I told her there was no reason to bring that many dolls." John chuckled and seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, looked toward the stairs. There stood his three year old daughter, her long, red curls shining in the fading sunlight. He loved all of his children but, this one….this one right here, she had him wrapped around her tiny little finger.

"Hey there darling, you ready to go?" he asked her. He couldn't help but smile at her, she looked so much like her mother. Alana shook her head 'no'.

"How come? What's wrong?" He said moving around the couch to the stairs.

John and Natalie had gotten used to the fact that unless their daughter had something to say, it was only nods and shakes of her head they would get. Occasionally they would get a shrug of one or both of her shoulders.

Lately, Laney had started using facial expressions to express her feelings about something as well. And the facial expressions she displayed was starting to show her personality so much. She had a wonderful sense of humor but, if she didn't need to say it out loud, she didn't.

At this time, she only struggled to hold up the bag she was attempting to carry. Apparently, it was too heavy.

"You want me to get that for you?" He asked, she nodded but, he was already headed up to her. Picking up the bag and taking her hand they walked down the stairs together.

"Do you really need this many dolls for just one night?" John asked her, she looked at him like he had two heads and nodded vigorously. He chuckled and looked up at Natalie. She was looking at them wistfully, he could tell she was a hundred miles away.

"You ok?" he asked her, concerned that he had upset her earlier. He knew she wanted that almost kiss as much as he did.

She took a deep breath and shook her head as if to clear it, "yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Uhm…by the way. Sean isn't feeling well."

"Again?" John asked. His youngest son, at eighteen months, seemed to be sick a lot lately.

"Yeah, you know, just another small fever. I thought it would be better to keep him here just in case he's up all night. An-and that way he won't keep all of you up all night," she said, then lowered her voice a little, "or any of the other guests."

John had been staying at the hotel for the last few months. Roxy was kind enough to give him a suite this time. Really the only difference was there was a door separating the living area from the bedroom and a small kitchenette. She gave him a couple of camp beds he could take out when the kids came for a visit and pack away after they left.

"I thought if he was here in the morning, I could take him to the doctor first thing," she twisted her wedding band nervously, "I'm not trying to keep him away from you," she said softly.

"No, I know. I'm just…..he's been sick a lot lately, hasn't he?" John asked perplexed. Liam was never sick as a baby, and Laney, having been born premature was at risk for several illnesses but, luckily she only had the occasional ear infection or fever associated with cutting teeth. However, Sean seemed to just recently have a rash of ear infections and fevers every time they turned around.

"Yeah, I know. But, these little virus' just have to run their course I guess, that is what the doctor keeps saying anyway. I really don't want to have to give him a bunch of medicine but, what if it's something else and I didn't take him….you know," she looked at him with a 'what do I do ' look, shrugging slightly.

"No, yeah you should take him but, will you just call me when you're done and let me know what they've said?" He asked, still concerned.

"Of course, I will. And you know I'll be in after I take him so…if that's ok?" She added nervously. She sometimes forgot he was her boss too.

He smiled at her, "of course, take your time with him." John turned to locate his two oldest children finding them standing directly behind him, almost at attention and completely ready to go. John and Natalie both chuckled seeing them standing there.

"Well, ok…I guess we are ready to go then," he smiled and turned back to Natalie, "if you need anything in the night, no matter what time, call me."

"I will. We should be fine," she smiled back and followed them to the door.

Opening the front door and ushering the kids out onto the porch, John turned around, leaned back against the open door and looked back at Natalie, "happy anniversary Natalie," he said.

She had walked to the door and placed her hand on the door knob, leaning against it in the opposite direction and gave him a small smile, "happy anniversary John."

She watched them pull out of the driveway then closed the door. Leaning against it, she held the bracelet John had given her up so she could look at it more closely. It's was a beautiful, silver charm. A four leaf clover with and emerald gem in the center. She flipped it over and saw that it was engraved. Her breath caught as she gasped.

_'__You and Me_

_I love you,_

_John'_

She slid down the door to sit on the floor and cried for the first time in a long time.

John breezed through the doors of the diner after dropping Liam and Laney off at preschool. Liam was set to start kindergarten in a few weeks. John was having a hard time believing he was old enough already.

"Hey brother," Michael said when John approached the table.

"How's it going there Mikey?" John said, turning the cup over as the waitress appeared to pour him some coffee. Mumbling his thanks, he took a sip of the hot liquid.

"Ok, you?" Michael asked in a general tone.

"Yeah," John answered absentmindedly.

"So?" Michael asked, leaning forward putting his elbows on the table.

"So...what?" John was confused.

"So...what happened last night?" Michael said slyly.

"Ah…I went and picked up the kids, we watched a movie, had pizza and went to bed. Pretty typical night," John said taking another sip of his coffee, "well Laney and Liam anyway, Sean was sick again."

Michael narrowed his eyes at his brother, "he was?"

"Yeah, Natalie took him to the doctor this morning and they told her he had another virus and that it just had to run its course," John noticed the way his brother was looking at him, "what, do you think it's more than that?"

"No, no it's not that but, he's been sick a lot in the last few months. It's not necessarily unusual but, well he's my nephew and it makes me a little uneasy," Michael said pondering this information

"Yeah, me too," John said thoughtfully, wondering what his brother was thinking.

"Anyways...it was your anniversary man," Michael said, then mentally kicked himself, "ugh…wait you did know that right?"

John chuckled, "yeah, I knew that." They were silent for an awkward moment before Michael could take it anymore.

"Ok...SO?" He said somewhat loudly.

"So what? I picked up the kids and we went back to my room and that was the end of it," John said starting to get annoyed.

"John, did it ever occur to you...that _this_ would have been the one day of the year that you would have been able to break through and get her to talk to you. So you guys could work this out?" Michael said exasperated with this brother.

"I promised not to push her Mike...and I won't. I want my wife back, my family back but, I'm not going to pressure her. I want her to want it too," John said sadly, rubbing his neck.

Michael shook his head in disbelief.

Another silent few moments passed before John mumbled, "I bought her a gift." He quickly took a drink to hide his embarrassment.

A slow knowing smile split across Michael's face, "u huh..."

"It was just, something…nothing really," John said nervously, taking a deep breath and leaning all the way back in the booth.

"U huh…." Michael said again, still smiling like a loon.

"I had it made actually...uhm...engraved so..." John stuttered around uncomfortably, he shrugged as if it were no big deal.

"Right but, no pressure-" Michael started sarcastically.

"No," John interrupted, "no pressure." John smiled sadly at his brother.

Michael shook his head and laughed.

"What? Just...if you have something to say, just say it," John wasn't in the mood for this this morning.

"You two have never done anything slowly, I don't understand why you've chosen now to try it," Michael said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" John asked indignantly.

"Well _come on_, every time you've gotten together, you've jumped in all the way, right away," Michael scoffed, "I mean, have you ever even been out on a date with her-"

"A date,"

"Yeah a date...you know, you pick her up, you bring flowers, you have dinner, you bring her home and walk her to the door with a kiss good night...you know a date,"

"I...no we've never, I don't think we've every went on a date like that," John thought for a moment, "we were supposed to...once but, I stood her up." John laughed a little remembering that day, it had been so long.

"What?!" Michael asked sure he had heard wrong.

John smiled, "it was….a really long time ago...jeez and, we were supposed to meet at Rodi's for dinner. I got caught up in something and I forget what...I know I was getting ready to leave town," John finished with a quiet, "she didn't want me to go."

"Oh, I bet that went over really well," Michael laughed knowing Natalie would have had a fit.

"No...in fact she showed up at my door," John said nodding at his brother, remembering how she stood there with the bag of burgers in her hand.

_John opened the door, she stood there holding up a brown paper bag.__He held the door open for her and she walked in. They both chuckled softly._

_"__Huh, no wonder you forgot," she said at the bed then looking up at him, hurt slightly that he would._

_"__I'm sorry….I – I lost track of time. I hope you're not mad," he said and he really meant it._

_She shook her head slightly, "so uh…does this mean you made a decision about Uncle Bo's offer?"_

_"__Yeah, I don't think so Natalie," he smiled at her._

_"__You should take it," she looked at him pleadingly. She didn't know why she wanted him to stay so badly._

_"__Yeah, why is that?" His smile grew at her nervousness, 'she was beautiful', he thought._

_"__I-I don't know," she mumbled not being able to voice her thoughts of 'please don't go._

"Right, that sounds like Natalie," Michael laughed, pulling him out of his memory.

"Yeah...we had our first kiss that night," John said wistfully, rubbing his chin remembering that too. He hadn't wanted it to end but, he didn't think he was good enough for her.

"Really, and?" Michael asked curiously.

"Ah well... the usual, you know….I pushed her away. The usual. I was starting to realize that if I let myself, I could care for her," John said, "then...mom showed up." John tipped his cup at his brother before he finished his coffee.

Michael crinkled his nose, "ew, mood killer."

"No. I single handedly did that but, yeah that effectively ended the conversation," John smiled at his brother.

"So you guys don't do the 'date night' thing then?" Michael wasn't sure why he wasn't surprised. They weren't that type of couple.

"The 'date night' thing?" John asked confused, looking at his brother like he had two heads.

"Yeah, you know they say that married people should go out on dates to keep them ...interested in each other or something like that," Michael said, with a shrug.

"Do you take Marcy out for 'date night'?" John asked sarcastically, even though he was genuinely curious.

"Well we've been known to go out to dinner without the kids, if that counts, she said she thinks it's important," Michael said with a sniff, clearly caught between making fun of it and the fact that he did enjoy the time alone with his wife.

"U huh...No, I never needed to take her out on dates to keep either of us interested. We've always been plenty...'interested' enough," John said, giving his brother a wink.

"Yeah, I didn't need to know that," Michael crinkled his nose.

John signaled the waitress for another cup of coffee, while Michael sat silently watching his brother for a moment and seemingly coming to a conclusion.

"You need to ask her out," Michael said seemingly out of the blue.

"What?" John wasn't sure he heard right.

"You need to ask her out on a date,"

John laughed, "right. She's already my wife."

"No really. Listen to me," Michael said seriously, "you need to ask her out on a date and get to know each other again. Get her to trust you again, prove to her that you're sorry, that you love her and you aren't going anywhere again. _You_ need to pursue her man."

John scoffed and shook his head. His first thought was that that was a stupid idea but, the more he ran it over in his mind the better it sounded.

'A date,' he thought. For the first time in months, John felt hopeful about the future.


	24. Chapter 24

Note: please don't kill me, next story is started-

Excerpt:

Stepping into the hall Natalie looked concerned all over again, "are you sure nothing's wrong you look like you're going to be sick."

"Oh, yeah, it's just...they were all staring..." John looked over his shoulder to the room where everyone had resumed their work.

"Well it's not very often the boss comes blowing into the room like that," she smiled.

"Yeah right...uh, hey listen…uhm" John started and rubbed the back of his neck like he did when he was nervous.

"You keep saying that nothing is wrong John but, the way your acting is really making me wonder what is going on," Natalie looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing's wrong really, I just...don't know where to start,"

"The beginning,"

"The beginning, right," he said taking a deep breath, he braced his palm on the wall behind her and leaning in close he said, "ok here's the thing. Do you want to go out with me?"

Natalie shock her head once, trying to make sense of what he said, it didn't work. "What?" She asked.

"Will you...go out with me?"

"Like on a...date?" she asked confused.

"Not like a date. A date," he said with more confidence.


End file.
